ΑΓΧΟΣ

As usual I am approaching the unapproachable in a back-handed way. The title (άγχος) of this blog post should keep you guessing a bit. One hint, it is Greek. I have been feeling some very unpleasant feelings recently. Though many things have been going very well indeed, not everything is great. I really wish I felt free to explain everything, but I fear that that would cause me more distress than it would be worth. In short I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for a very long time. I think the question becomes how long before I feel I have put myself through the head banging enough and stop. I doubt that life will resolve itself in any other way.

The toll of my distress is that I occasionally feel nauseous and like I want to burst out in tears. I also occasionally feel like I obsess and I may be doing just that at this moment. If only things would work out the way I want! Of course they don't often work that way. They usually work out in unexpected ways. So much for the vagueness of my life. Life seemed so much simpler ten years ago. Things were duller, but definitely simpler. On second thought nothing in my life has been simple.

Aside from my weird inner feelings, things have gone well. I took two trips to Provencetown, MA this past month with a friend. It had been a long time since I had been there (it seems like in a different life.) I had a wonderful time. I have been loosing weight, and learning some hard lessons about the lap-band. If I am careless about eating I pay severely for the mistake. If I am careful and deliberate then things work out well. I am currently able to eat most everything. There are still, and may always be some foods that I need to avoid. Bread in almost all forms (even toast) has been very difficult and I do not plan to eat corn or rice any time soon. I have yet to eat steak, but that may be coming up. I just need to treat myself sometime soon to a good cut of steak. One thing that is very nice is that overall I am feeling better. I have better endurance and I almost feel human.

Later this week I visit my oncologist (cancer Doctor.) I will then get the report on the CAT scan performed in March. I do not expect anything bad, since I am sure I would have heard something before this.

By the way, άγχος n. (ánchos)-- anxiety, stress, emotional pressure.

Love to all,
Shel

More Follow-up

I am really sorry to be so lax at blogging! There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, everything is going well. I have been busy. I visited a friend in Massachusetts last weekend and there has just been one thing after another. Yes, I am mostly healed. Yes, I am loosing weight. No I can't eat much (what a surprise!) I am gradually moving toward more normal food. I can now eat soft regular food. I have been enjoying flaky fish like cod and thin cut ham and turkey. I eat vegetables now if they are soft cooked and I drink lots of water. I have already shrunk out of some of my cloths and into some of the smaller cloths I couldn't wear. In short, I am well.

By the way, the picture is a picture of a lap-band, in case you were curious.

Have a great day.

Love,
Shel