Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Random Thoughts

The last few days have been very warm and beautiful. Actually, it has been kind of hot! It seems that we just got out of Winter and it is now Summer. My life has been kind of like the weather, it's either hot or cold. The weather is hot and my life is cold. I constantly look for patterns to my life but I am afraid all is random. I have been reading a book about randomness and probability so forgive me. I am quite like most other people and I tend to draw conclusions from very small amounts of data. I am guessing that I make some very bad conclusions and therefor bad decisions. In fact I know I have made some bad decisions.

How does one move forward if one just is at the whims of total randomness? It is enough to put one into a catatonic state. In spite of this I will attempt to move forward and live my life - as imperfect as it is bound to be.

I think I had something to write, but for the life of me it alludes me now. I am coming to the close of my weight group therapy. I am going to miss this group very much. These people have become part of my life. I hope I am now prepared to handle living and eating. I now understand that my weight issues are from deep issues that are quite complex. They involve my dependence on my mother and my deep need to be loved. My mother is dead and those who I thought might love me appear not to, maybe they never did. How do I continue with this very basic need unfulfilled? I feel like I have an open sore with salt on it. It is hard not to seek consolation in something like food or alcohol. I am trying to endure though. I don;t drink and I fight the urges to eat. The Lap-band helps. If I do eat, I can only eat small amounts (trust me on this!)

Enough for tonight. Tomorrow I am off to the dentist and then later I have T'ai Chi.
You be well.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

I must be Boring!

I am kidding, I know I am boring. I was just looking at the stats on this blog and the readership has been going steadily downward. I guess that when I go through more emotional grief and pain I more interesting. It's not that I am having less pain, it's that I am too busy to notice the pain (and to write.) Things are slowing down so I will write more. Slowing down is only a relative thing though. There are things I should do and have put off, like my laundry and my taxes (yes I filed for an extension.) It seems that when I went to do my taxes, at the last minute of course, I couldn't find my statements! What I thought was this year's statements were actually for last year's taxes. I know I have the material, but I need to look through stacks of stuff to find it. I filed for an extension! Laundry is a lost cause. I will run out of clean underwear and other cloths soon so is essential that I get to it! Exciting stuff!

I went to my therapist last week. I have been doing intensive therapy with individual sessions and the group therapy. I don't know if I am getting any better, but I am trying. I want to keep the weight off and I would like to meet a new woman love interest. We are entering "Pride" season. Maybe I can meet a nice dyke at a pride celebration, sigh! Northampton, MA pride is in two weeks. After having the same partner for thirty one years I am trying to reorient myself to being a bachelorette again and dating. There is nothing more formidable than one's own mind.

I went for a walk with a friend today. There are walking and bike riding paths near here that were once rail road tracks. Before that there was a canal that ran between New Haven and Farmington Connecticut. It's interesting because I lived right beside the rail/canal when I was at Yale for graduate school. I live right beside it again when I lived in the Mildale section of Southington. My address was on canal street. We walked on the Cheshire section of the old canal rail line. It's all paved now and there is even a restored lock of the old canal. It was a beautiful day. My only problem was that I was having stomach problems. My lunch wasn't agreeing with me. I felt like throwing up the whole time (I even did it twice.) The Lap-Band has been a great aid in loosing weight, but occasionally I have problems with certain foods.

Oh, I got a "Magic Jack" internet phone connection. I am surprised, but it works. I have made due with a cell phone for the past six years. I now have a land line. I bought a magic Jack and a cheep cordless phone and I am in business. My cell phone often gets poor reception at home. I can now call out with this phone and it even has voice mail. Not bad for $19.95 a year. The device cost $20.00 and I had to buy a phone. Actually I could make and receive calls with the computer if I wanted.

I had to change purses today. I have a bunch of them so that wasn't a problem, but I loved the purse I was using. The strap began to seriously fray. The rest of the purse was in good shape. I am buying a new strap to put on it. I'll use this other one for a while. I bought the current purse with a friend. We went to dinner and then did some shopping afterward. The sad thing is that she doesn't talk with me any more. I don't know what happened she just didn't answer my call and didn't return my call. It's kind of hard to maintain a friendship with someone who won't talk with you.

Sorry about that. Tomorrow my day begins with T'ai Chi and stays busy. You have a good day!


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Busy, Busy

I have so busy that I haven't blogged in a while. I am not really sure what to say, but I helped organize and run a conference that was held last Saturday. I lead one workshop and lead a panel discussion. Both were well received and the conference went very well. It was an awful lot of work, though. I came home Saturday and fell asleep in the chair. The following day I had a smaller speaking engagement to a church group. This also went well. It was a fulfilling weekend.

Yesterday was my food group therapy. This group is growing to a close soon. Though the material we have been dealing with in the group is painful at times I will be sad to see it end. We have shared a lot together. Am I cured of overeating? This is yet to be seen. I have learned a bit about my own reasons for eating and knowing is a big part of the solution. I am still loosing weight, but I know I still feel the urge to eat food for emotional reasons. Right now the Lap Band restricts me, but there are ways around that and I don't want to do that. Comfort food I am done with you!

Enough for now. I hope to share some of my feelings about what has been happening in my life soon. Have a good evening.


Saturday, April 11, 2009


For those of you that never took Greek, the title is the word Σoφíα (Sophia) which means wisdom. I used this title because I seem to have very little of this quality these days. I thought I knew what wisdom was, but I was just a little bit off. You see I thought it has something to do with being smart. It doesn't, it has to do with happiness. "Wisdom is an ideal that has been celebrated since antiquity as the knowledge needed to live a good life." Wisdom and happiness in life are something that continues to allude me. In analyzing just about everything about me I find that I am busy and active, but I really don't think I am really happy. I could look around to find someone to blame for this, but I really can't do this. If I could learn to be totally sufficient in myself maybe I could feel satisfied, but I am a social person. If I wasn't that way I would have long ago become a chemist. Yes, there was a time I was on my way to a Ph.D. in chemistry. I was kind of a chemistry prodigy, but I couldn't stand the very long isolated hours in the chemistry labs. Though I was getting straight "A's" I switched to an uncertain but more social future in Philosophy and eventually Theology(I still got "A's". I know it's disgusting.)

This all is just a lead up to the realization that I am unhappy. The reasons for this unhappiness are complicated, probably too complicated for here, but they are real. My realization of this unhappiness has been developing for a while. I thought that making myself busier would help. Well, I am busy as anything right now and the business just distracts me. It hasn't solved the problem. There is a quality of live issue. It is a bit beyond business or even meaningfulness.

I am not sure what to do about this. I started therapy a half a year ago and I am now only beginning to open up the problem. I am discovering the problem and I am no where near solving it. I very much at this point would like for things to be simple. I would like something to hang everything on, but I seems to not be any of the obvious things. Let me be clear the problem is clear to me but the cause is what is hard to know. For example, I feel so alone in spite of the fact that I am continually surrounded with people. I am also sad in spite of many reasons to be happy.

If I only had some wisdom!


Saturday, April 04, 2009


I am sitting here writing on my computer and I am feeling chilled. The widget on my desktop says it is 43 degrees outside and that isn't really that cold. It is damp though. I just had a bad encounter with a meatball and a daub of spaghetti, yes, about 3 oz of food. I just made it to the porcelain goddess. Things usually aren't that quick. The agony just lingers. Spaghetti sometimes affects me that way now. I can't eat rice at all. You would think that spaghetti being soft that it would be easy to eat, not so.

My father is back from his travels to Georgia. He seems to be quite well. We both visited my Aunt. My father is 97 and my aunt is 93. My aunt was having difficulty. She just had two teeth out and was still in pain and swollen. Otherwise she was well though. She has had her problems since the strokes, but is still herself. If I make it to 90 anything I hope I am as good as she is. My father is remarkable for any age.

I think that I have remarked before on the brilliant Blog posts I have never actually posted. I write these posts in my head when I am away from my computer and by the time I get to a computer they are gone, puff! I just need to carry my computer with me everywhere, I guess.

I am now twittering. I am doing it more to see what it is all about. If you want to twitter me, or whatever it is called, there is a link on the blog page.

I have lost some more weight. I had leveled off for a while, but I went to my oncologist Friday and I have lost four pounds since the Lap-Band fill. That is about a pound a week or more and that is good. It is also probably the reason I had to rush to the bathroom a while ago. I went to the oncologist to get the report from my last CAT scan. EVERYTHING is good! There is no sign of cancer and the aneurysm grew only slightly. This is good. The CAT scan itself would be nothing except that they give me contrast solution that gives hot flashes later in the day and use an intravenous dye that I am allergic to. After the cat scan I was flushed all day into the evening. The good news here is that CAT scans in the future will mostly be for the aneurysm. My Doctor was truly pleased with my results!

Well this is it for tonight. Stay warm and be well.