Sunday, December 28, 2008

New year ....

New Year = New Life

This is a question, not a fact. I have no resolutions and no plan( I do have some plans, but no grand scheme.) I do have hope for a better year and a better life and possibly some fulfillment. Wow! There goes the question again. One thing, I begin the new year pretty broke. I am down to the essentials right now. That might not be quite so bad. Possessing things isn't all that great.

Peace and Happy New Year!


Tuesday, December 23, 2008


After the snow came the cold! It is cold outside, in the teens. Brrrrrr! I have been in a real state and it has been reflected here on this blog. A lot of it has revolved around a friendship that has hit on hard times. I did receive a very nice email from my friend. I am hoping that we will be able to work things out. When there was no communication there was no hope of working things out, now at least there is hope. It's at least kind of fitting of the season. The Christmas season speaks to me of hope in our world. Please notice I said hope. I have hope for a reasonable outcome. I have no expectations of perfection, in fact I have few real expectations, just a hope that there will be a reasonable outcome. She is a nice person and I have liked her a lot.

I had breakfast with my oldest son this morning. I am guessing that is the extent of family involvement I'll have this Christmas, except for phone calls. It will be a different Christmas.

Oh, I am so broke! Fortunately I monitored my bank account in time. Spending has stopped! I will be getting some money soon, but for now I am almost as broke as I have ever been. Actually, four years ago or so just after chemo ended I was within $10.00 of being totally broke with no prospects of income. I at least can expect my pension check soon and I have a church job this weekend. There is money in my account now, but not much. I was able to buy some presents, so for the moment all is good.

I know in my mind that the days get longer now, but the days are still very short. It is quarter of five at the moment and it is almost totally dark outside. It's good to be inside and warm. One problem I find is keeping my fingers warm. I am not sure why I feel cold fingers, but they are often like ice. I have lost in the range of 85 to 90 lbs in less than a year. Maybe it has something to do with that.

I just learned that the T'ai Chi class is off for the next two weeks. There wasn't one last week because the instructor was ill and it has been called off for the next two weeks. I guess I will just have to self motivate and try to remember the exercises. I feel so much better when I do the exercises.

I seem to be quite alone at home at the moment. This is highly unusual. Usually I am the one who is out and about, though C downstairs works daily. She is often home by this time, but I haven't heard anything from her yet. B & T are out shopping I

This all for today. Be well and keep warm.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The music poll

To the right I have placed a poll. A short while ago I added music to this blog. It dawned on me that this might not be something that everyone appreciates. I thought I would get a sense of how the readers felt about the music. The poll is simple so if you have an opinion please fill in the poll. Thanks.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

White Solstice

This a collection of miscellaneous items. It is snowing again! We are supposed to get another eight or so inches of the white stuff! Enough is enough! In spite of this Christmas may not be white. The forecast is for rain later in the week. We may have a slushy Christmas. This will be quite appropriate for me - a slushy Christmas. It kind of rolls off the tongue. Note to self: Write a song entitled "A Slushy Christmas." (Sorry about that, but I am looking for positives anywhere.)

My surgery is healing very well and I may even look normal after all. I know that sounds a little strange, but those of you that know me personally either know about what was done or can ask. Anyway I have been told I am weird. (Have you ever noticed that the word weird breaks the rule of "i before e except after c"? Now that is weird!)

I experienced a great deal of pain after the removal of the wisdom tooth on Tuesday. Since then there has been almost no pain. I do have a big hole where the tooth once was. I didn't realize how big the tooth was. It was way back in my mouth and was pretty much unnoticed except for brushing and flossing.

Last night I went to a benefit event in New Haven at a Gay Bar down there. We had dinner and then drinks. I went with some friends. I have done very little drinking since the Lap-Band surgery. Any small amount of alcohol make me very light headed. In addition, my usual wine of choice (Merlot) upsets my stomach. Last night I did have a glass of White Zinfandel before dinner and then another much later in the evening. White Zinfandel seems to work with my digestive system and I mostly drank coffee. Two glasses of wine was more than enough. The event got very crowded and I really don't enjoy being bumped and jostled in tight quarters. It's not a real big bar. We left about Eleven because one of the women I was with had to work early today.

I am not really sure if I was drunk from that small amount of wine, but later last night I spent quite some time crying. I don't think I was drunk. I have been upset since Thursday evening. To recap a bit, that day I drove to visit my father in Rhode Island early Thursday. I visited him and my Aunt (aged 97 and 93 respectively.) I then drove to Hartford to meet a friend for dinner. We then went to a cocktail party at Real Artways. When we got there I told my friend I planned to leave early (7:30 p.m., I was pretty tired.) She convinced me to stay a bit and I did. That is when my friend who is no longer talking with me arrived. She waved and didn't say a word to me. I had to go to the Ladies room and did. When I came out she was nowhere to be seen. I had already stayed later than I planned and it seemed that she still wasn't interested in talking with me, so I went home. I used to think we were good friends, but communication recently between us had been sparse and limited to brief emails. Her's always seemed to be disparaging of me in some way. At Thanksgiving I sent her an email hoping we could work things out, but her reply wasn't really positive. The whole thing is very upsetting to me. This is the second friendship in the past four years that has ended up with us not really communicating. I am pretty much back in therapy over this along with finding some kind of new life for myself. Truth be known we have spent more therapy time dealing with this friendship. She doesn't want to talk on the phone, her emails all seem to have negative tag and she seems to not want to talk in person. That really isn't very friend-like. (I am sitting here typing this with tears rolling down my face. Oh, Crap! My therapist would not be happy with me at all!) I guess I just have to live with this and get over it. The sad thing is that if she wanted I would still be friends at the drop of a hat. As I said it will be a Slushy Christmas.

On another matter (I am wiping up the tears and trying to move on), I have been trying to start a computer consulting business. I have been doing computer consulting mostly at no charge for quite some time now. I have been fixing computers and advising people on systems mostly for friends. (I fact, I spent a day fixing the computer of the friend mentioned above.) I began to think that I might do this for pay as a way to supplement my income and fill my time. There is a link on this site to my business web site. I have discovered that there is more to starting a business than printing cards and placing ads! I'll have to collect tax for the state, for example. The details of a business will be a very new experience for me.

I am now getting up to speed on Vista to be able to better deal with that system. I had worked with a pre-release version I was sent by Microsoft. That expired a while back though. I got Vista Home Premium with my laptop. I then purchased a subscription to Microsoft Technet and installed Vista ultimate and Office 2007. I will be setting up Server 2008 in a virtual machine on my desktop. I will be able to practice all configurations that way. There is a lot to this stuff! By the way, virtual sessions are wonderful! I ran server 2003 in one for quite a while as I also now run Linux and FreeBSD. If I could run Apple OS X in one I would do that also. I anyone out there knows if that is possible (or practical) let me know. Everything Apple produces is so expensive and i already have spent a lot setting up what I have. The Apple operating system is a variant of Unix so should be familiar. I worked with their old operating systems in the past.

This is proving to be one of my longer posts and I am sorry about the length. I am not sure if there will be another post before Christmas. I will wish you all a very Merry and Blessed Christmas. If you are not Christian I wish you the best of whatever Holy day you might observe. For you strictly secular folks today is the Winter Solstice. Days get longer from here, Rejoice! In any and all cases Peace to you all!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Tougher and Tougher

It's snowing like crazy outside. It has snowed all day. I guess we will have a white Christmas if the snow stays. I have been feeling awful all day. I am not a mean or hard person and I feel terrible. I feel terrible that a person I thought was a good friend has brushed me aside and I feel bad that I have such hurt feelings.

I guess these things happen in relationships, but that is little consolation. I really do hate that it has happened near Christmas. This Christmas will be a real bust for me. My granddaughter is in Arizona and I sit here with bad feelings for someone I have liked so much. Life just seems to get tougher and tougher.

At least the snow will be pretty tomorrow! You take care and be safe and warm.


Thursday, December 18, 2008


I am discovering my own limits. I have long known that I have physical limits, but I kind of had some emotional high expectations of myself. I thought I had the ability to put almost anything behind me and to be charitable. I have discovered differently. I am discovering that being snubbed by a friend has really turned me off. I really think a great deal of my friends and I will often do a lot for them. But I have discovered that when one turns on me I am not so willing to be generous with myself any more. It is not what I expected of myself, but it is real.

It has been a tough week (wisdom tooth extracted Monday, in fact a tough month(Surgery on the 1st)and today was a very long day(I drove to Westerly, R.I. and back). My charity and good nature have been exhausted. I found I had to leave a social engagement early just to keep my perspective on things. I probably should have stuck it out, but I was feeling irritable. I decided I should go home. Enough said.

I have been seeing a therapist to gain some insight into myself. I am learning when to say no and when to call things to a halt. Maybe God can have infinite patience, love and forgiveness but I am not God. I have limits. I am really tired now so I am going to end.

Tomorrow's weather is supposed to be real bad. If you live in New England and plan to drive, please drive safely. Stay warm and stay dry.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Wisdom tooth, that is! I lost one this morning. More correctly, the dentist removed one of mine this morning. I pretty much have all my own teeth with two exceptions. When I was 21 I had an impacted wisdom tooth in my lower jaw. It had to be removed because it was going to cause damage to my other teeth. The removal was an absolute nightmare. The tooth had to be sectioned and then removed. I was awake for the whole procedure. I couldn't move my jaw for days afterward and I ate soft boiled eggs, mashed potato and milk shakes for a week. I was 21!

Today, much older, I had the wisdom tooth in the upper jaw above that missing tooth removed. It was mostly because there was no tooth below to push against for all these years. The tooth was hyper extending and had a cavity in it. This one came out a lot easier, though I do feel a bit under the weather from the experience. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight because I have a very busy day tomorrow. I am usually pretty good with pain. There has been some, but with ice and pain medication I am doing pretty well.

I am going to have a short nap now, though. Have a good evening!


Sunday, December 07, 2008

A Snowy Day

I have been kind of laying low and letting my body heal. I missed my T'ai Chi session this past week because I wasn't yet allowed to drive. I doubt I would have been able to do many of the exercises anyway. I somehow feel less centered without it though. I of course haven't been doing the exercises at home either. I plan to start again tomorrow. I'll need to modify things to favor my right side where the surgery was. I think I can do it fine.

I have been playing with my new toy to occupy myself. I bought a new laptop, a Toshiba Satellite. I needed to do more work with Vista since my trial version expired (how dare they do that!) I considered the cost of buying the operating system and discovered that it was only a little more to get a new laptop with Vista on it. Two Sunday jobs paid the bill. I now have a new 2G Hz laptop with 3G of RAM, 250 G Hard Disk and wireless networking along with Vista. So I have been playing. I am very hands-on about computers and Networking. I need to do. Once I learn it I am able to virtually visualize how do operate things without the computer being present. Did I mention that I was smart? I don't think about that often, but I have always been able to do most intellectual tasks I have tried. I am not really sure I know why I never got a PhD. I guess that timing and finances were just inconvenient. I did get two Masters from Yale long ago. Enough of that.

Next week I need to work on Christmas presents for my family in Arizona. There is now shipping time. My son's spouse has a birthday on the 18th to boot, what an tough time for a birthday. I don't want to forget her.

I think that I mentioned that there wasn't much pain with the surgery. It's either that or I tolerate pain well. I suspect it was a bit of both. I am going to end here for now. As usual I have more to say, but I need to think over what I plan to say a bit.

Oh, I almost forgot. We have snow on the ground! Overnight we had some light snow, about an inch, and it snowed on and off all day. It's winter I guess.

Stay warm and safe. Love,

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Surgery update

The surgery was done Monday. It went well and I was home quickly. I have been hanging out at home healing. There has been very little pain. Today I went for the follow-up appointment. They removed the bandage today and the results are looking great. Hopefully there will be no further problems. They had me wrapped in bandage from my waist to my neck. I am so glad to have the bandage off. I can now take a shower!

I want to thank everyone who called or sent best wishes. I appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers. I think I have about had enough of surgery for my life. I truly hope there will be no more, necessary or not.

You have a great day. Love,

Monday, December 01, 2008

Surgery once again

Well I am off to another surgery in a couple of hours. Some things seem endless. I will be happy to have this one done though. It is a surgery to correct a problem left over from a previous surgery. I had a complication to a previous surgery that now, hopefully will be corrected. It is not what you would call a life-threatening condition, but it does involve a couple of hours of surgery and anesthesia. Please wish me well.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

No Complaining

I have concluded that some things are just too painful to write about. I have been trying to write about a part of my life for months now, but just can't do it. I have danced around the issue here, but truthfully I have been trying to deal with it(not here, but in my life.) Simply put some parts of my life are not working out very well.

I clearly understand that complaining about things does very little. It has in the past provided me with some ability to vent, but clearly that is all that has happened. I am going to try to vent less here and to move on in whatever way I can. There is really nothing I can do about things anyway.

My son and his family (including my granddaughter) are now in Arizona. I have talked with them by phone several times already, but this Thanksgiving will be the first without them. We are having Thanksgiving here this year and one of my house mate's family will be coming over. My father is traveling to Pennsylvania with friends (for 97 he sure gets around.) My other two son's will be with my ex. It will be a more scattered Thanksgiving this year. I am guessing that Christmas will be similar. I am now thinking I should start planning a trip to Arizona for February. I could be there for my granddaughter's third birthday and that would be very nice. I'll just have to see.

I did Sunday services at a new church yesterday. I enjoyed myself and I think they liked having me there. They wanted me to come back in January. That's a good thing, I believe. One never knows how a new congregation will respond. I have a very distinctive preaching style. People seem to either respond to it or not like it at all. This congregation seemed to like it. Such a plus!

Next Monday I will be having surgery. It is not a very great and serious matter, but it is still surgery. It is big enough that I will be under anesthesia for an hour or two, but I will be able to come home the same day. I am planning on being real sore for about a week. I know I won't be able to do lifting for a while. This week I will be so busy doing various things that time will go quickly.

I am not sure how much I will be able to post this week so I am going to wish you all a very happy and wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope you can share the day will those you love and who love you.


Thursday, November 13, 2008


Yesterday was a very miserable day. It didn't start that way, but things changed quickly with lunch. I don't really know why, but lunch gave me agony for the whole rest of the day. I actually was unable to eat or drink anything else until late in the evening. I can still feel some of the distress today, though I was able to eat breakfast ok. My coffee didn't go down well which is an indicator that things still are not right. I had a very mild and soft breakfast and I guess I will need to have a mild and soft lunch and possibly dinner. I also will need to drink water like crazy because I wasn't able to drink much yesterday. Yesterday at lunch I had a small piece of chicken. Usually I do well with chicken. I really don't know what happened.

It is really hard to describe how miserable I feel when eating goes wrong like it did. It ruins everything I am doing and keeps me tied to being near a toilet. I had a Dr's appointment with a dermatologist and later my Tai Chi class. I had to keep the Dr's appointment because he is so hard to see. By the way everything is fine. All the little spots I showed him are non-cancerous. The non good thing is that there isn't much that can be done about the biggest problem (discoloration on my lower right leg.) I'll just have to live with that. I usually enjoy Tai Chi, but I was absolutely miserable yesterday. Even the calming effects of Tai Chi didn't do much for me. I ended up later just breaking down in tears (that didn't help much either.)

Today I hope will be a much better day. So far it has been. The weather promises to be lousy (cold and rainy) but I have a warm heart so things will be better.


Sunday, November 09, 2008

Too much....

There is almost too much to talk about. I don't know where to begin. I have been really busy all week and many things have been rolling through my brain these days. I started Tai Chi classes this week. I have always wanted to take Tai Chi up as a kind of meditation/discipline. I had the opportunity and certainly I have the time. I have also been walking much more. With the tremendous weight loss I feel so much better physically. I am now trying to put things right emotionally.

Emotions have been tough, though, I must admit. I find I have a great need for close relationships and affection. That is just the sort of thing that seems to be unavailable to me. Of course I make what turn out to be bad decisions on who I like. I did go out dancing last weekend. Dancing is great and with the weight loss I can dance once again without injuring myself. I've also learned to play darts in a bar. That's a very new thing to me. I never really played darts before. Guess what? I'm pretty good at it.

I have left out so much. Maybe that's a good thing. I probably would get myself in trouble saying more, maybe not. In any case I am ending here for now.

Peace and my love,

Monday, November 03, 2008

Good-bys again

Yesterday I said good-bye to my son, his spouse and my granddaughter for a final time. My son left today in a moving truck along with his younger brother. They are headed for Arizona. His spouse and my granddaughter leave tomorrow for Arizona by plane. It was a sad parting, and yes I cried. They begin a new chapter in their lives. I will certainly miss them. With the internet and pervasive phones they will still be available, but it won't be the same.

Many years ago my ex partner and I left on a similar adventure. We moved to Lawrence, Kansas where I was the Episcopal Chaplain. I guess I now know how my parents felt.

Keep the travelers in your prayers.


Saturday, November 01, 2008

The Picture

I am sorry, but I now feel the need to remove my picture. I have had one on this blog for quite some time, but there are reasons that I now need to remove it. I will look for some kind of replacement, but for now the blog shall go unadorned.

A comment on my current life. I have been going through some profound emotional changes. Some of the time I have felt very much alone, but I can assure you all that I have some very good and close friends. They have have been great for the most part. The truth of the matter is that I am trying to make a new place for myself in the world. I have not explained everything that I have been doing. Unfortunately I have written about some of the more painful times and less of the very good times. I really hope to turn this trend around and be more positive. My life has been filled with very good things as well as the difficult.

There will be more.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I had a very nice visit today with my family. It was nice but very sad, since they will be moving very soon. I am trying to deal with things, but my emotional state hasn't been the best recently which makes this even harder. I am suddenly feeling very alone. It is a convergence of many things, some I have detailed here, but others I haven't (and probably won't.) I feel very isolated. The son who is leaving for Arizona is the one I most easily talk to and I will greatly miss him. Some other things don't seem to be working out very well also for reasons that are not really know to me. Things go up and down so fast and I am really not used to much emotional turmoil in my life.

I guess I just need to continue on as best I can and hope that life will take a better turn soon. It's ironic that I am feeling better physically, but am now falling apart emotionally. I am due for a couple of good years. The last six or seven have been very tough.

I hope your day has been great.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What can I say?

What can I say? I am feeling real down. My son and family are moving this week to Arizona. They will be taking my granddaughter with them of course which means I will not be seeing her much. It's a real long drive to Arizona! I have been sitting here being really depressed and now I am crying. I know crying doesn't solve anything, but I can't seem to prevent it. So much has happened recently and now this. I don't know how to handle this. Maybe it's all the loss in the past few years, but knowing that doesn't help at all. It's all welling up into a huge feeling of uselessness. I have been sitting at home for two days just paralyzed. I feel like everything is out of control and life is spinning off somewhere.

I am in fact tired of writing these kind of entries in my blog. Shouldn't something get a bit better sometime soon? Well tomorrow I will be seeing my granddaughter and son and his spouse and I feel I need to put on a strong appearance. I am really not sure I can do that but maybe I can avoid falling apart totally. It is strange because I was always the one who was supposed to be strong in all circumstances. I am afraid I can no longer live up to those expectations. I am who I am and I have both strength and weakness. It is unfortunate that in the past I felt that I could only be strong. I know better now.

I need to stop now. The screen is blurry through the tears so I will stop and just get it out of my system. There will be more later.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008


No matter how much things seem to change, some things just stay the same ALWAYS! For some time I have felt like I was banging my head against the wall of life. I still feel that way. Maybe, this is the way life is supposed to be. Another constant is the contacts between my Ex and I. Even though I have met all my financial obligations there are what I feel are moral obligations. Our relationship fluctuates between cordial and hostile on her side. This week she wanted money and I helped out. She was all sweetness and light. This morning there was an early phone call and she wanted me to make a phone call to get some information (I always had to make the phone calls for some stupid reason.) I am leaving for the rest of the week and I told her I would do it next week. Her comment (sarcastically), "I'm glad YOU have a life because I don't." Sometimes I want to scream and other times I just want to cry.

If you have read this blog a while you can realize that I really don't have much of a life. I am just now trying to reclaim a life or discover a new life. I know she works a lot and is struggling financially, but she is the one that kicked me out of the house. She didn't care or check on me when I had cancer and all the complications. Now she cares what I do? Please!

Sorry for the rant, I needed to do that. You have a great week. I'm gone for a while, without computer. See you soon.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

The great Fizzle

Sometimes I just feel so discouraged. It is hard to put my finger on the some of the specifics, but there are times when it just seems that no matter what I do I just don't get any place. Maybe it has to do with the hard years I have experienced or maybe I am just tired and moody. I just get the feeling that I am never going to get out of the rut I am in. Whenever something begins to look up it seems that the same thing comes crashing down a short while later. It's so frustrating!

Maybe I should become a cloistered nun somewhere. Life would be the same each day and there would be no hopes or expectations to deal with. Now whenever there seems to be hope of something new and maybe better it fizzles (Is that really a word?)

This has been one very long day. I had three services to do today. I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and couldn't get back to sleep. I came home about 2:30 pm and fell asleep for a short while in the chair. I woke up still feeling tired. Then the possible plans for later in the day fell apart and I am not really sure why.

Tomorrow I need to do laundry. I am going to Provencetown for Women's week later this week. There is just so much to do getting ready and I only have tomorrow to do it. Tuesday is crammed full of things, a visit to my Gynecologist and then later spend some time with my Granddaughter and then a reunion of sorts at the Seminary. The one thing I really want to do I won't be doing (though I really do want to spend time with my granddaughter before she moves.)

A good thing has happened in this state (Connecticut). The State Supreme Court has decided that same sex marriages are allowed under Connecticut's constitution. This makes Connecticut the third state to make such a move (Massachusetts and California already have same sex marriages.) This pull the State out of gender enforcement rules in the most personal of relations. This is a very good thing for same sex couples. It doesn't help me very much since I seem to be stuck in a very sterile existence, but I am happy for the couples in this state.

There will be an attempt to mess this up in the state by those who feel that somehow same gender marriages devalue marriage in some way. I really cannot see how committed relationships between anyone can devalue any other relationship. Having myself been married for 31 years before the divorce I know that our differences were of our own making. No one else's relationship, same sex or not, had one bit of influence on our relationship. Though our marriage is now over we both highly valued our marriage most of the time we were married. The end didn't come because of outside influences. My internal pressures caused me to change drastically in a direction that she couldn't live with day to day. It was disappointing to me but wasn't caused from without.

This is not really helping me at the moment so I will say good night to you all. Be well.


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Feeling better?

I kind of thought that I might feel a bit better after going to the therapist. Why do I feel so rotten then? I went in a pretty good mood and came away a bit depressed. Who can figure? I certainly can't.

My son and his spouse and my granddaughter will be moving to Arizona sometime in the beginning of November. I am really upset. I have been used to seeing my granddaughter weekly. I will probably only get to see her once or twice a year at most after they move. I will also miss my son. We talk frequently. It is another tough turn to my life. I am so worried for them. They both (my son and his spouse) are quitting their jobs and leaving without having jobs to go to. They will be staying with her parents, but there is a lot of uncertainty there.

Back to the therapist. I came to realize as we were talking that I have always thought like a woman. I always knew that I didn't fit as a man. As we were talking she mentioned some typical thought patterns that women have, I of course think that way. I have always thought that way. I just never associated those ways of thinking as being typically female. They have just been part of me always. I just assumed they were universal to both men and women because I was raised as a boy. It's a real insight for me to understand that I don't really understand what it was to be a man. My experience of being male was superficial and forced except for the purely physical. Mentally I have always been who I am now and that is female.

Years back when I began to live full time as female the switch seemed almost too easy and everything seemed natural. I am beginning to understand why now. That's all from a casual bit of conversation with the therapist. It's certainly not why I feel down. I have many things to think on and much to do in reclaiming my life.

You be well.


Monday, October 06, 2008

In the In and Out the Out

If you've checked my Blog in the past two or so months, you know that I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. It has been very hard to explain exactly what has been happening, but the short of it is that I have been in the process of reclaiming my life. Possibly it would be better put that I am trying to build myself a new life. This would be a very difficult thing to do if I was a young person, but I am a mature woman. I have always embraced change in my life but I am finding this very difficult. All of the old rules are gone now and there is a complete set of new rules, gender rules and age rules. I really fail to see how being young or being old is relevant to almost anything. Since when is it bad to be experienced? Yet, look for a job in the computer industry and be over 55 and see what your experience counts! (sorry about that)

I think that anyone has trouble adjusting after Cancer or after Divorce or after great weight loss or a gender change. Any one of those things can be huge in a person's life. I have undergone all of those things in the last six years. Just thinking about it all makes my head swim, yet I am hopeful. I have survived the cancer and the divorce and the gender change and now the weight loss (though that continues.) It is the new life that I am struggling with. How do I find meaning and purpose in my life? How do I find new relationships that will help sustain me? These are my struggles. I may not always give the details, but please know the struggles are genuine. This is all complicate by the fact that I am not a person who has ever been able to be casual about almost anything I ever did. I find disappointments and rejections hard to handle, and there have been many.

Yes my life is tough right now. I don't intend to let it defeat me, though. Yes, I get down and it gets reflected here, but I am not out. My father is 97 and going strong. He did not survive so long and so well by letting life defeat him. Maybe I can look forward to another thirty years of a full life!

Peace and Love,

PS: the title is a little private joke, between me, myself and I.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Do Something!

Here is a way to do something for the election! Support Barach Obama, support yourself! The link below is to the Stonewall Democrats effort on behalf of Trans support for the Obama/Biden candidacy. If you do nothing then don't complain later!

Trans For Obama
Goal Thermometer

Monday, September 29, 2008

So much for.......

So much for not vomiting! I have had a two week vacation from throwing up. That ended tonight. It was my fault. I ate too much chicken and broccoli. I wasn't being careful as I ate. I was distracted. Nausea seems to pervade my existence these days. If it isn't nausea caused by eating improperly it's just my life that causes the nausea. One, the former, causes actual vomiting. The other, the latter, just causes discomfort and is caused by my insistence on thinking about "things." If only I could not think for a while!

I had a long ago broken tooth capped today. At least the process began. I have a temporary cap which will be replaced in three weeks. It is so different not having those jagged edges in my mouth! What a relief!

I also set an appointment for the bit of surgery I am going to have to correct a problem that has bothered me for three years. If all goes well I will be having that surgery December 1st. It's a Monday and I am thinking I will be out of commission mostly that week, but pretty much fine afterward. I probably won't be lifting much for a few weeks, but that is ok. That's pretty good placement, after Thanksgiving and before Christmas.

For some reason, I am retaining water today. It started yesterday and has continued all day. I can tell by the way my rings fit. It is the strangest thing, but it seems to happen to me monthly. I never had ovaries or a uterus so it's not that. I would be post menopause anyway. It's just strange. Tomorrow or the day after I will loose the fluid and the rings will fit looser.

While it is on my mind, Good-By Paul Newman, God Bless you and keep you. He seemed to live life with grace and dignity, making the lives of others a bit more pleasant and better.

You have a nice evening.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Shades of gray

I have been up and down in the past two days. Yesterday was a very affirming day. It was a very full day and it was full of very positive experiences. This morning I did two services and I think I preached quite well. I am exhausted now though since I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I got in late and had to be up very early.

For some reason, I am a bit down now. Nothing new specifically has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand it. I guess the emotions I have been experiencing kind of caught up to me today. I really don't know. Possibly it is the constant rain this weekend. One thing I do know that many things in life are in shades of gray. They are not black or white, yes or no, true or false. I think I would really like some things to be clear that really are not right now.

The good thing about yesterday is that I am working on making things different. Things will be slow, but I believe I will be a new and better person and possibly happier. I can't say I am happy now, in fact, I feel that a good cry would be appropriate. I am not really unhappy with myself, but with circumstances. I would like for something to work in my favor!

I know it sounds like poor me. I am sorry, but that is how I feel. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.


Friday, September 26, 2008


Ah, nausea has set in. It's not acute nausea like I get with eating something I shouldn't. It is a long and pervasive nausea, a turning of my soul as much as my stomach. What has happened? Not much really. I guess you could say life has happened and I really am feeling unable to handle things well anymore. I feel like curling up into a little ball on the sofa. The dog does that soo well, me not so good. When did life get so out of focus and how did it get that way? These are questions I need to answer, hopefully, soon.

I now have the finances to do that bit of surgery I need. The surgery hasn't been scheduled yet so I don't know timing. It will mean a couple of weeks of being sore and a few more of restricted movement, but on the scale of things it shouldn't be too bad. This I guess figures to be another surgery year.

This isn't exactly surgery, but Monday I am having one of my molars capped. A number of years ago the tooth broke ans a huge filling came out. It has been a huge hole with jagged edges in my mouth ever since. I have never had a tooth capped before so I don't know exactly what to expect. I do hope that it will mean that in the future I will have to do less picking and flossing to remove food from the area (sorry for the image there.)

This is a dreary and rainy day here in Connecticut. We are on the fringe of a large Atlantic storm which will give us weather all weekend. These kinds of storms are called nor'easters. You can't fight the weather! Weather and nausea, ugh!

Keep dry!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


"If you re black in this country, if you re a woman in this country, if you are any minority in this country at all, what could possibly possess you to vote Republican?" Cher

I have been so self consumed recently that I have ignored many of the things that I feel are important. I am and long have been a political Liberal. I am proud of being a liberal. The politics of confusion that the Republicans are trying to dispense just scares me silly. The extreme right politicians scare me and the extreme religious contingent scare me. Did I mention that the economy scares me, also? I have young adult children and a granddaughter. I want a free and viable United States of America for them. I don't want them to live in a bigoted repressive land. I fear that things could go that way.

So much bothers me that I am almost overwhelmed. The latest item of concern is everything about the Republican Vice Presidential candidate! I must say I am just amazed. I really don't agree with McCain, but his running mate really scares me!

Needless to say Barach Obama is my candidate of choice for soooo many reasons. I just wanted to stand up and be counted.

God's Peace and my Love,

Day by Day

My mood and my perspective changes day by day. Today I had my hair done - that's always a plus. I helped my son with a little plumbing advise (my grandfather was a plumber and I learned a lot from him, but I hate it, believe me.) Later in the evening I had a good talk, very good. Life seems a little more positive. It's not perfect but at least tolerable.

All in all this was a much better day!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I had my first dental appointment in years today. It was a cleaning and full mouth exam. To say the least there is work to do! Next week I get the pleasure of having one of my molars capped. The tooth broke and a large filling fell out many years ago. Finally it will be fixed. There are cavities to fill and they seem to want to pull one of my wisdom teeth instead of filling the cavity. AT this moment I am only missing one of my teeth, a wisdom tooth that was impacted. I am not looking forward to having another wisdom tooth taken out. I need to think on this one. Teeth! You can't live with them and you don't want to live without them.

I guess I am lucky, though. Both my mother and father lost their teeth to gum disease. It's hell growing old, but I don't like the alternative. I could go on about age, but I think I will keep that one for a while.

I didn't visit my son and granddaughter today because they and my daughter-in-law (sort of) went to the big E. I have never been to the big E. One of these years I need to plan a trip there. I love fairs. I just need someone to go with. It would be a real downer going alone.

I am doing some work on my computer, so I will be off line until the changes are done. Have a good one.


Monday, September 22, 2008


Welcome to Fall! It is usually one of my favorite seasons. I am having trouble appreciating just about everything just now, but I will try to get into Fall this year. I really can't let my mood destroy everything for me.

I hate going to new Doctors! I always have to explain everything once again. You would not believe the ignorance in the Medical profession on the topic of Transsexuals. Let me be very clear, they were very nice to me! I just had to describe everything about transition and surgeries even though it really didn't apply directly. I guess it can be said that there is value in educating another Doctor.

I now know what I am dealing with. It looks like I will need another surgery before too long to solve my "issue." The "issue" is a complication of another surgery. It is a somewhat minor procedure, but will take several weeks of healing to be back to normal. I do need to find the money for this first since it is unlikely that insurance will cover this.

In any case, Happy Fall!


Sunday, September 21, 2008


I am feeling very weird today. I slept until 11:30 am which is very unusual. I had the Sunday off this week. Friday Night I didn't sleep very well at all so I guess I was making up for that. I started yesterday with the new therapist and I am quite pleased with the session. It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with her. She seems to know where I am emotionally and in life and that is good. I really don't know where I am myself so it is real good someone does. The only downside is that she is a solid hour drive away. I do have several more appointments scheduled though.

The weirdness? I am feeling kind of lost. I guess that is the best way to describe things. Nothing new has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand why I feel this way. I just feel different. I really hope the feeling is about being on the verge of something new.

I see a surgeon to assess a problem I have and to evaluate corrective surgery. This is something no one can currently see (it's hidden by clothing) but it bothers me none the less. I am not sure whether insurance will work here or whether I will have to find the funds up front. There are a lot of questions, but I do need to know the basics first.

Now that I have been as totally vague as possible, I will say good night.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

What next?

Things seem to not be getting easier recently. Not only am I having some personal difficulty, but so is one of my sons. I spent a long time talking with him yesterday and he was so down. His problems are financial and I am not in a position to be of much help. He is very down and discouraged. He is an adult, but one never ceases to be a parent and I really want the best for him. Life seems to pile things on.

He just had a very distressing interaction with his bank. Banks are I suppose ever popular these days. They managed to stick him with three overdrafts instead of one. I know, he shouldn't have overdrawn at all, but he did. The upshot is that he ended up paying over $100 for overdrawing his account a total of $4.35. It seems that the bank does something called prioritizing withdrawals. Instead of withdrawing money form your account in the order the transaction is received, they withdraw the largest amount first. They then withdraw the smaller amounts. According to my son that when he checked to do the withdrawals he was not overdrawn. He an my ex went round and round with the bank and got no where (as you might guess.)

My son doesn't make a large amount of money, so $100 in overdrawn fees is huge! He was fit to be tied and very depressed. My offer of some financial help didn't seem to help at all. He feels trapped in a low-paying job, with few options to improve himself. I know that is his impression of himself and he could easily do other work, but he is the one who has to live his own life. His older brother has a similar job and seems to make a go of it. It is interesting how different your children can be, and sometimes distressing.

What next?


On a better note, I had a Doctors appointment yesterday with the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery. He was delighted with my weight loss. He just about danced a jig. He said I had lost in weight what most people with the Lap-Band loose in a year (it has been a little over 5 months.) I am clearly pleased also with the weight loss. I feel healthier with more energy. All signs of Diabetes are gone, my cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is normal and now he wants me to see whether my sleep apnea is gone. Physically, things are better. Unfortunately, the Doctor admitted that relationships often can change and sometimes for the worse. Who can figure? S.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hard Day

It's been a difficult day. I am not sure why. Nothing new has happened. The weather wasn't even bad. Let's just say that I am looking for something in my life and not finding it and some days it really, really gets to me. Today it got to me. One of the problems is that I have no real routine to loose myself in. I am sure I have always had these kinds of days, but often I could escape in the routine of work. Most of my adult life I have worked and worked hard. It wasn't physical work, but it was always demanding. I usually worked very long hours. Not working is a novelty for me. When I was ill not working was ok. Now it isn't so great. I guess it might be great if I had the resources to travel. I don't have those resources, so today wasn't such a good day.

I was able to find a new therapist who takes my insurance. I haven't met her yet, but I am hopeful she will be helpful. The appointment is later in the week. As I look at my week, this is a week without a lot scheduled. I guess I am lonely and bored. The lonely thing I know already. I just don't know why it bothers me so much. It's all so so relative. My loneliness is a very deep one.

Enough, I am beginning to feel sorry for myself so I need a reality check. You be well.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Beat Goes On

La De Da De Dee

This has been a very tough week in many ways. I went to see my therapist on Thursday after Three and a half years. My nerves were raw and I was visibly shaken. It was an expensive hour, but well worth it. I can't say that everything is better now, because it isn't. I do have some new perspectives on things and myself. I am calmer now, but I must admit I am still depressed a bit. It is obvious to those around me and a friend commented that I wasn't my usual cheery self. Well I'm not that cheery person right now. My demeanor is quite sad and I am just living though things. Friday night I went to a fashion show and normally I would have had a blast. The best I can say now is that it was a distraction. After the show though I can say I finally get it. I am no longer young and I certainly am not beautiful. I know that is a superficial way to look at things, but in many ways it is superficial that is so important to people. I guess I had kind of imagined that inner qualities mattered. Silly me!

Yes I am in a bad mood! My therapist reminded me of what depression was all about and that is something I have been pondering real hard. I have been trying to get in touch with the real feeling. I have a lot of work to do!

La De Da De Daa

Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I know I cannot continue as I have been. My life right now is purposeless. I am emotionally vulnerable and my self confidence is totally shot. You might wonder how I got myself into such a state. It is something I wonder myself. It didn't happen overnight I can safely tell you and I really never intended to be this way. The real kicker in the deal is that I need to find a new therapist. My old therapist doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay full price (actually she discounted a small amount, but not enough.) Therapy is such a personal thing. I hate the idea of changing, but it is necessary.

What I am thinking is that my life needs to change a lot. I have so much more growing to do. I had stagnated. There is no blame here. The past few years have been tough and the way I have been living has been comfortable. It is kind of like food. I had gotten used to comfort food. Well food is no longer comfortable and I guess life has got to be that way for a while if I am to grow. Silly me, I thought I was full grown! Guess not!

The Beat goes on.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I'm Tired

I am sooo tired! I literally have tired myself out and practically driven myself crazy. It has been to absolutely no purpose. Whatever has been bothering me can't be changed in the slightest by my doing. I really don't think I want to try to change things. Some things either are or they are not. Trying to change them just drives one mad. Oh, yes I am driving myself mad! I am really don't want to try to force anything in my life right now. I just want to adjust and stabilize. Once that is done I will think about what I am to do. Tomorrow I am off to see my therapist for the first time in over three years. I think it is time for some intervention of the professional kind. If continue as I am I will have everyone hating me. I am afraid I already have the people I care about doing that.

I visited my father who has just turned 97 and my aunt who turned 93 two months ago today. These are two people who are so dear to me and I am so aware how old they are. My aunt is recovering from a cold and it is clear that a simple cold is a major deal for her. My father is in great shape and I pray he remains that way a while longer. It has been a long day with a long drive there and back. With such a long drive I had far too much time to think. Remember, I think too much. Really, I do!

I am too tired to write more. Have a great evening.


Monday, September 08, 2008

Being sick

As if it weren't enough that I am undergoing some kind of emotional meltdown, it seems that my body insists on tormenting me! It seems that on a rather regular (but not predictable) basis my stomach rejects it's contents. There seems to be no consistent pattern to this. I have tried to seriously limit portions and to chew as well as possible. Still, today's lunch, a very small piece of chicken, has given me close to an hour's worth of grief.

I will not describe the process in detail because it is very gross. It happened today at home and it has happened when I was out to lunch with friend(s). [Excuse me a second! You guessed it. Once again! yech!] It is driving me nuts. I really appreciate the loss of weight and I look forward to more, but it happened to me yesterday when I was out to a baby shower and now today. I want to screeeeeeeeem! [Excuse me!]

There can't be much left in my stomach now so the end is in sight- I hope. What they don't tell you about the Lap-Band surgery before hand!



"Words are like weapons; they wound sometimes." Cher

No comment!


Friday, September 05, 2008


The longer I live the more apparent it becomes that I understand myself almost not at all. I have been in a state (emotional) for several weeks now. Though I do know what it is about I really don't understand why it has hit me so hard. I have written some things here, but really feel constrained not to talk here fully. I know it is hard to understand if you don't know the full story and I am sorry for that. It must be this way though.

Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.

I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.

I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)

I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.


[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj

Thursday, September 04, 2008

More on Change

Some days changes come quick. I have been struggling with eating since last night. Dinner, a small piece of chicken, just didn't set well. I had difficulties all evening. Breakfast today had a similar effect. Who could think that one egg would cause hours of distress? It's lunch time now and I still feel like there is a knot in my throat. I guess that lunch will need to wait.

Some other things haven't gone exactly well. I am kind of trying to sit back and evaluate. It is a situation in which I really have no options and no control. If one could bleed over such things I would be bleeding. In stead, I am just trying to keep my breakfast down. That has become an all too frequent problem.(It's not an emotional thing, it is a learning to live with the Lap-Band thing.) I am not sure what to think. With no options and no control I just need to let go and let things be. That's not a thing I do well, but I will try.

There are times when life can be tough.


PS - I honestly have been able to take most anything life has thrown at me. I will take recent events as well. I hope I can take them gracefully. I pretty much move through life without much difficulty and I have recently filled in at congregations without causing difficulty or controversy. It has become so seamless that I had almost forgotten that there might be a problem. I got called yesterday for a Sunday fill-in and agreed to do the service. Fifteen minutes later the Priest called me back and backed out. ("This congregation is too conservative. I don't have a problem, but they might.") Guess what friend, YOU have a problem. I will brush the dust from my sandals and move on. It's just the sort of thing I really didn't need at this moment, though. It can be a cruel world.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


I changed my photo again. I think I said that I really don't like photos of me very much. At least I am smiling in this one! I am also wearing my new glasses. They are similar to the old ones, but I can see better with these ones. I guess that is the real point. When looking at frames I was really distressed at the current styles. There were so many that I just didn't like at all! I managed to find one that was similar to the old ones and went with that. The color is a little different, that's all.

I have been concentrating on the mundane things of life recently, seeking a bit of grounding. I have been doing some research on Doctors and yesterday spent a really nice afternoon with my middle son and my granddaughter. It was a simple and enjoyable day. Today? I guess there are dishes to do and some long neglected tasks in my bedroom. I have cloths that are far too big to store or deal with some how and I need to organize some of the summer things for next year. I really doubt that there will be much of an opportunity to wear the bathing suit again this year. Maybe next year I will be so much smaller that I will need a new one!

Not much has really changed for me. I am living day to day and doing ok. I hope you are doing ok and maybe doing great!.


Monday, September 01, 2008


Yesterday I did services in a church in the Northwestern corner of Connecticut. I therefore went for an early morning ride through the countryside. It is so beautiful! Though I did have a camera with me I really didn't take any time to take pictures and I am so sorry I didn't. I could have shared them with you. Connecticut at this time of year is so green. There is just the beginning of leaves turning so every once in a while there is unexpected color. It is clearly still Summer but it is certain Fall is just around the corner.

The services went well and my sermons seemed well received. The morning was a pretty sharp contrast to the confusion which has been part of my recent life. I have chronicled some of my current feelings recently, but clearly not all. Little moments of escape and clarity are so special. I really hope that you all have the opportunity for such refreshing moments.


Friday, August 29, 2008

Flux and Flex

It is really difficult to describe how I feel at this moment. The past two weeks have been extraordinarily stressful and emotional for me. I am sure that I cannot and probably should not describe every detail. In the last post I tried to relay some of the things that have been on my mind and in my feelings. Tonight I am at home with nothing particular to do. It is a rather unusual situation for me these days, but I guess I am OK with it. In the last week I have discussed my life with several friends in various detail. Some things I have really kept to myself, but the sorts of things I have put up here have been discussed.

I am not sure that there is a clear path for me. Most of my friends seem to think that things will become clear to me with a little time. They may be right. Some of my realizations are very new and fresh. I certainly need to explore my physical limitations before jumping into things that might be more than I can handle. Other aspects of my life are still pretty much in flux. Many of the friends I have been talking to are outside the LGBT community and I have been getting a fresh look at things and myself because of that. My emotions are calming down also.

Just think of me as having gone through two weeks of craziness. I wasn't crazy of course, but I was very distracted and at times emotional. I am calmer now though little has really changed. Some of what has been going on I have absolutely no control over. I realize that there are things and situations that are out of my control. Getting distraught over those things will accomplish little.

I do believe that following this weekend I will be attempting to do some new things. there are things I have put off and a few things that I have just avoided. I need to see some Doctors. That may sound strange, but I still have some issues that may need resolving. I really need to see my urologist. I have a long history of kidney stones. I need to see a dermatologist. I have a large area of skin discoloration. It isn't cancer, but there might be something that can be done to make the area look better. I really need to see a dentist! I have dental insurance at long last and I know I have two broken teeth. There are other things I want to explore also. I am in addition planning to go into group therapy for the weight thing. I fully understand that I was heavy for a reason. I really don't want to ever be heavy again! I want to continue to loose weight and feel better and look better. Emotions and excessive weight are a package I think. I guess I have a lot to do.

I also want to explore what I might do to be more than a blob on the couch. Visiting doctors can be time consuming, but it isn't very fulfilling. I have work to do. Life happens, but I am tired of feeling like it has been happening to me and dumping on me.

You might have figured out the Flux in the title but what is the Flex? Simple, the weight group therapy is called the Flex Group.

Until next time my Love and God's Peace,

Monday, August 25, 2008


Quandary- Noun
a situation in which it is difficult to decide what to do; predicament; dilemma [origin unknown]

Many things are currently right at the surface of my consciousness. I have some time since I am tied down doing laundry. I'm going to write more about my current life. If you are not a transgender person then you may have a great deal of difficulty in appreciating some of my present problems. In some ways my problems are very much like many people's problems with one great big complication. I was born with a male body. I state it that way, because I have now accepted the fact that my mind has always been female. This conflict between mind and body is a really difficult one.

When I was a child my parents and those around me could not see into my mind, but they could see my body. I was raised as a boy. There wasn't a lot of understanding or acceptance of this situation sixty years ago. My parents were wonderful to me and my father still is (unfortunately my mother is dead now.) I can't say that I was overly punished or chastised or even suppressed by them. If anything, it was other children (playmates and schoolmates) that were tough on me. I have always learned and adapted well and I learned what to do to prevent being tormented. I did soon learn though that boys shouldn't feel like or act like girls. I tried to make myself into a conventional boy. Unfortunately, that really doesn't work very well. Expressions of the female broke through periodically with varying intensity. I mostly was able to hide what I looked on as my shame very well. There were very few mistakes.

Everyone thought I was a conventional boy and later a man. I had even managed to convince myself of that fact. When boy - girl interactions began happening I wanted to be with girls. I liked girls and later loved girls and then women. I was never attracted to men (sorry guys.) I married, had children but always in the background there was this knowledge that my life and body were very wrong. I denied the situation to myself and felt shame and guilt and above all I suppressed. To top it all I am a priest and have been one for many years. It turns out that you can only suppress for so long and then bad things happen. I put on weight, felt depressed, and let relationship matters slip. It all exploded and within two years of exploding I went from a hetero man to a lesbian female. The physical and living change was complete. A very quick and total change of life like that is tough to manage, tough to live and I am finding now takes a very long time to fully finish.

In my life, this all was complicated by the fact I developed cancer and then other physical problems. I also found that the people around me who were supposed to be the closest and most supportive rejected me. I have to say that my father was great from the first moment he knew. My long term spouse, some of my children, my employer and some of the people in the churches I served were not at all accepting or supportive.

I know that I had mostly suppressed any sexual urges I might have had and most feelings and needs for intimacy except friendship. I think I had reached a place in life where any more rejection would have been intolerable. I am now a distance from those events and I think the need to keep everyone at a distance. I may be ready for something new, but truthfully I am clueless and clumsy. Gracefulness is something I still need to learn more of. I also don't know how to moderate my feelings. It seems that I am either open or closed. I don't know how to filter my emotions and I certainly don't understand what I need to do to fix things.

I had a wonderful surgeon and I am capable of most physical things a woman can experience (except for having a baby of course.) That said, my biggest need isn't for sex but for intimacy and companionship. Friends can help with the companionship but intimacy is a much deeper thing. As a consequence of my weight loss surgery and program I have become aware of the fact that I may have a personality type that tends to convert all relationships to friendships. If that is true then I am in for a very tough journey indeed. Added to this all is the fact that I have never been able to have casual relationships. When I was young I really didn't date. I met women and developed relations with them and then more developed. My spouse was one of the few I actually dated.

The quandary is trying to move off of dead center and to live with feelings I had suppressed. Feelings I suppressed enough to be very powerful last week.

I know this has been long. It has been therapeutic for me though. I have been told that I over analyze things. Actually I think what was said was "You think too much!" I resemble thinking too much.

Peace and Love,

Sticky Wicket

It is a very strange thing, but somehow in my planning I forgot to calculate the possibility that I might survive. Yes, four years ago just after the cancer surgery I was given a 50-50 chance of survival without chemo and 70 to 75% chance if I had chemo. It was a no-brainer, I had chemo. I had complications, kidney stones, additional surgeries, infections, anemia, blood clots and new problems, an aortic aneurysm. I had additional surgery for my gender issues and then I put on lots of weight. Somewhere I just got caught up in surviving. A then friend (who I haven't seen or talked with in almost four years, sadly) wisely advised me to concentrate on surviving. I appear to have survived.

No one knows what will happen next in life, but I kind of forgot to even think what my life might be like if I survived. I didn't think of the fact that I might need something meaningful to do and that I might eventually be healthy enough to do that. I didn't think that I might eventually have needs beyond survival, needs for companionship and possibly affection. I really didn't foresee that possible future. Last week that shortsightedness bit me big time ( I sincerely hope I didn't make a complete ass of myself.) I suddenly discovered that I am alive and have some rather normal needs. Details beyond that are not really important. What is important is that I really need to figure out what I want out of life and what I might realistically have in life. My father will be 97 shortly, my mother's sister is 93 and if I continue to survive the cancer and the aneurysm I might live a very long time still. That is almost as scary as not surviving. I have only been marking time and taking care of survival.

I am young enough that I could still do something significant, the big question is what? I have Masters Degrees from Yale, Professional Computer certifications and years of experience in both Parish Ministry and Computer Networking. However, the Computer industry is predominantly a young man's industry and I am an older woman. I am not sure I fit anymore. In a way I barely fit when I was younger. It has been years since I was a full-time Parish Priest, though I had until a few years ago done regular part-time ministry. I don't know that I have the will to go back to a full-time ministry. So what do I do?

Even stickier issues exist for me. My children are grown and I am now divorced from my partner. I had worried about health and survival. I never really thought too much about the fact that I might need some form of intimacy and companionship. Women my age, even straight ones, often find making new connections hard. I guess I am saying I am a bit lost and bewildered. I somehow need to regroup and find direction. I could say that life would be easier if: I was younger, I was prettier, I was thinner, I had money, I wasn't Lesbian, I hadn't lived part of my life as a man,...... I could make those excuses, but they would be just that, excuses. The reality is that I face more uphill battles in my life. I kind of hope I am up to the challenges and I certainly hope I won't have to face it all alone. That's all yet to be seen, though.


Sunday, August 24, 2008

It was time

I thought it was time to change the picture on my blog profile. I generally do not like pictures of me, but the one that was there was several years old. I was wearing a wig post chemotherapy. This picture was taken by a friend last night so is quite new. (And no wig!) I can't say that I like it all that much, but it is current. I might have had a better smile, but it is what it is. I will be looking for new pictures of me to post that kind of reflect the "new" me. Of course, no matter how I look, I am still the same person inside with the same personality. Pictures so tell only part of the story of a person.

I included a second one with a strange smile, just for good measure. What was I thinking? Actually I have been asking that question of myself a lot recently. I really have no answer to that question. I wish I did.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Friday Five: When is the Fourth Friday not the Last Friday?

I have been so tense recently I thought this might be a little therapeutic. Shel

Friday Five: When is the Fourth Friday not the Last Friday?

It's Friday afternoon, Eastern Time, and this is your faithful Songbird with a calendar-related Friday Five. Due to some confusion with our dates, I'm stepping in today, although I am usually here only on the 5th Friday, when there is such a thing.

Here are five things to ponder about dates. I hope you'll play!

1) Datebooks--how do you keep track of your appointments? Electronically? On paper? Month at a glance? Week at a glance?

I now use a Blackberry. It is wonderful and totally addictive and yes I am a techno geek!

2) When was the last time you forgot an important date?

I didn't so much as forget as I came close. I almost forgot to pick my son up to bring him to work this morning. I had some digestive difficulty last night as only a person post Bariatric surgery can have. I over slept in spit of phone calls and alerts. I did get him to work in time though.

3) When was the last time you went OUT on a date?

I don't really know if you could call it a date, but I was out with a good friend last night. I really hate dating and the awkwardness of it. Think 30 + years since I last truly dated. The dinner out and the talk afterwords was quite good, maybe as close to a date as I would ever get these days.

4) Name one accessory or item of clothing you love even though it is dated.

I have a pair of sneakers that are several years old and they are comfortable. I also have several favorite purses that are kind of out of style, but work for me still. I actually don't fit into a lot of my old cloths any more because I lost so much weight.

5) Dates--the fruit--can't live with 'em? Or can't live without 'em?

I can take them or leave them. They tend to be a little over sweet. I think that as a kid I remember liking them. I wouldn't go out of my way to eat a date though.

Life is strange and wonderful

I have been under internal stress all week. It is something that I have done before and I am sure will happen to me again. It turns out that much of the stress was self generated, but there is no denying I experienced a great deal of emotion. I can't say that the cause is totally dealt with, but things are substantially better. This means that I feel substantially better not necessarily that anything external has really changed. I guess I am old and foolish and sensitive and I tend to over think things. There is so much in life a person really cannot control. Sometime those things are internal. It is the internal things that are the most treacherous in the end.

If there is anything I know and can be certain of it is that life isn't simple and most hings change all the time. I guess I am saying I'm having a better day today and that yesterday didn't turn out as tough as it might have. I am, though, looking forward to a much simpler day today. I hope your day is a great one.


Friday, August 22, 2008

All is not.....

All is not what it seems very often. My life has moved from a very staid and straightforward one to a very uncertain and somewhat precarious one. In the process I have been very sick and healed. For much of my life I appeared to be one thing while I was actually another. I am now largely conformed so my inner self matches my outer self. That is a wonderful thing, but really does bring with it new problems. Before most of my difficulties were inner struggles with myself. Now I struggle with life issues that are long ago settled in most lives. These issues aren't different from the ones anyone else has. I struggle with aloneness. I am not closeted or a hermit (God forbid) but I often do feel very alone. My children and I live apart now(they are grown adults)and I live with friends. In one way I am surrounded with people all the time, but in another I am alone.

Enough of my junk for the moment. I had my hair done this morning, always an upper, and I bought a new pair of glasses. It will take about 10 days for them to arrive. They are much like my current ones, but of course the prescription will be different. I have at last succumbed to multiple vision glasses(not bifocals but the progressive lenses.) They are more expensive but it is only money(snicker.)

I managed to get some sleep last night. The previous night was mostly sleepless so the sleep was very welcome. Nothing has really changed in my life I am just too exhausted to write about things much more.

You take care.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


I may have misjudged how powerful my current emotions are. I barely slept last night and I have a perpetual feeling of nausea. Say a prayer for me. Things are tough!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I just don't know

I guess The title sums it all up. For some reason my whole world seems turned upside down. It is an illusion that lets us believe that life moves along smoothly. I feel whatever it is that I feel a little too much at this time. I probably shouldn't write in this frame of mind, but here I am writing anyway.

I am an adult woman but I feel so immature, developmental even. Five years ago my whole life took a very abrupt turn. On the whole I have adapted quite well, but not completely. There are still big gaps in my life that I have been trying to fill. The problem is that I have been trying to fill them with the skill of a sixteen year old girl. Believe me I am no longer 16 and probably most 16 year olds handle things much better than I am right now. What am I to do? I wish I knew. I so fear that there is nothing I CAN do.

I wish some times I was constructed differently, but alas I'm not. I am just little old me. I can't take things lightly and I hurt all too easily. The problem is that I usually put up a front that says to all that I am in control. It is a fiction. It puts people off and creates a gulf between me and those I care about the most. In the past I have used this front to try and conquer every obstacle. I was mostly successful, but it turns out you don't learn much from success. A few more failure in my younger life might actually have been helpful. Five years ago I dropped the front, but I resurrected much of it. The reasons for this are significant, but I am not going there tonight. I now find that circumstances have forced me to drop the front a bit, not visibly, but internally. Everything is flooding out now and I may be heading to an implosion. Shel is no longer strong and in control is what I am saying. On top of that I think I may be heading for great pain. We'll see. I certainly am headed toward the great unknown and the uncontrollable. On top of everything I am about to make a complete fool of myself and possibly screw things up more.

I kind of wish I could say more, but I think that I shouldn't, so I won't. I am just hoping there will some pieces left to put back together. I am aware of the Humpty-Dumpty thing.

I am totally befuddled. I sincerely hope you are better than that.



Let me clarify a bit. I am not headed to the rubber room. Yes, there are things that aren't going as I would exactly like, but they are not leading me down the road to serious depression. I admit, I am at times a little dramatic. What is happening is just the sort of up and down that happens in life at times. I have known serious depression in the past and this isn't it. I will cope with my son and granddaughter moving when it happens. I will just have to save my meager $'s and visit them once in a while. The other things that are happening will resolve themselves and I will adjust. Yes, some things are crappy right now.

I do appreciate people's concern. I don't want people to think that things are worse than they are though. Life is not constant and everything changes. Sometimes those changes catch us off guard. Living means adjusting though.

I hope to have a better day and I hope you do too.


PS. Just to add fire to the furnace one of the things I am coping with is the current trend to loose hair. It is a known side-effect of the weight loss surgery. It is temporary, but I had to go through this with chemotherapy and it is a really crappy thing. In fact the picture of me to the left was taken just after chemo ended and that hair is a wig. (I really need to update my picture, but I am a little camera shy and with the weight loss I am changing quickly.)I am hoping that the loss will not be very extensive. I kind of like my hair. I do get it permed and colored and if the hair loss continues I know that those treatments may need to stop for a while. This is just frustrating and adds to my current feelings. As I said everything changes.

PPS. I just found this on the web. It is a response to a question of hair loss post bariatric surgery.
Hair loss, and change in hair color and hair quality after gastric bypass surgery are common problems and typically happen within the first year after the operation. Your body goes through a period of severe starvation and tries to divert nutrients toward more vital organs. Although carbohydrates, proteins, minerals, and vitamins (especially the family of vitamin B) have been blamed for the hair loss, the exact mechanism of this problem is not known and multiple factors might be involved. The good news is that your hair loss after gastric bypass is usually temporary and will be improved when you get out of the rapid weight loss situation. Any patient who had a gastric bypass should have frequent doctor visits following their bypass surgery as the procedure is associated with incidence of iron, vitamin B12, folate, calcium, and vitamin D deficiency. You need to be on supplements of minerals and vitamins and you should also be monitored with regular laboratory tests for these deficiencies. Please keep in mind that gastric bypass produces medically controlled malnutrition to force weight loss.

I am told that the hair loss is more typical of bypass surgery, but my weight loss has been rapid and I certainly have been under some stress. I am now taking more supplements and my diet is more varied.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Funky Shel

A good thing to note is that I continue to loose weight. I have lost almost 70 lbs since January of this year. This is positive. The negative, I believe I am headed for big-time depression. There are a number of factors leading me to this conclusion. The first one is that my son and his spouse and my granddaughter may be moving to Phoenix Arizona before Christmas. This is a big-time bummer. My granddaughter is one of the things that make life worth living. Things will be very hard with her so far away. That fact in itself would be enough, but there is more. The more is really too hard to go into right now and may not really be resolved. I am feeling like life is spinning out of control. I've had this feeling before, but not in a very long time. Let me just say right now I feel that things really suck! Maybe tomorrow will bring a new perspective.

In a funk,

PS. By the way did I say I am foolish and old? Well I am!

Friday, July 18, 2008


Despite the difficult day yesterday, I have been going through a period of great personal discovery. As I could not really speak about some of my personal pain I feel that some of this discovery is really so personal that I cannot be detailed about it. Let just say that I have been able to discover a part of myself that I wasn't sure existed any more. I have had a very deep sorrow for several years that really served to block my own personal growth. Though the sorrow remains I have seen my way past it or maybe through it. Life is tough enough without making it tougher on myself. It is interesting that the sorrow I held so close wasn't really related to other issues, but had great effect.

I have decided that life is really all too short. In many things I think I am moving on. I really hope to make the most of the life I have. Some of the other pesky issues of my life remain unsolved but I am a work in progress. I feel I have been blessed and give a new chance at life. I don't want to waist it. Sadly, I can now see that so much of my life was spent marking time. I really can't depend on the actions of others or even wait for them. My life is my own.

I can imagine that this post seems strange, since I have had to be so vague. It makes perfect sense to me.

I hope your day is great.

The Nightmare

Sometimes nightmares come during the day while you are awake. I had such a nightmare yesterday. As I have mentioned before I have had the Lap-Band surgery. It has been a full three months since the surgery so I eat most everything, with a few unwise exceptions, just in very small quantities. Yesterday at lunch I had some leftover steamed Chinese vegetables and chicken. An average restaurant portion lasts me an average of 3.5 meals. To get to the point, my nightmare began with lunch. I don't know what I did wrong, I might of eaten too much or possibly I didn't chew well enough, but I dry heaved for over two hours. (I am sparing you the actual description.)When I stopped retching I still had a knot in my chest for two more hours. I was exhausted! I had planed to go to a cocktail party in Hartford, but wisely decided not to go. I fell asleep in the chair instead. Six hours later I decided that I needed to eat (big mistake!) The reaction of my stomach was swift this time and short lived (thankfully.)

I was so uncomfortable and so depressed I was actually in tears at times. Thankfully, today I seem to feel normal. My breakfast small portion of oatmeal went down well and has stayed down. The frustrating thing about this all is that last month I missed the same cocktail party for the same reason. I truly wish I knew what I did wrong. I clearly don't need another day like yesterday.

The good news in the whole thing is that I am loosing weight at a rate that pleases the Doctor so I didn't have to have another fill (an adjustment to the restriction the band provides.) I have actually lost over 60 pounds since the first of the year. Fifty of those pounds I lost after the Lap-Band was surgically implanted. I am still not a small woman. I am tall at 5'9" and I still have much weight to loose. With the exception of yesterday I have been feeling increasingly fit and I have had an increasingly varied diet.

In spite of days like yesterday I believe the surgery was totally worth it.

Peace to you all and of course my love,

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm Alive!

I know it's a strange title, but I really should have no expectation of being alive. Four years ago today I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. I have survived four years and I am truly thankful. It has been a tough four years, though, in many ways. I often obsess over what probably are minor things, but being alive is a big thing. Several things make me acutely aware of this landmark. Tony Snow, the former press secretary of the President just died of just the same disease. I never agreed with the man's point of view or much of his work, but it is clear he fought for life and lost to cancer. I have to respect that.

Another thing that brings things to mind is my recent visit to my oncologist. The visit was routine with nothing remarkable. That in itself is remarkable to me and I suspect pleasing to the Doctor. He works in a field where all too many of his patients die. That was made very clear to me while I was receiving chemotherapy. I went in one day and there wasn't the usual crowd. I asked my nurse about it and she made it clear that some of the patients hadn't made it. Life and death are so closely entwined. Life is so precious and death so seemingly close at times.In any case, I am glad to still be here.

I have much more to say, but not at this time. The short of it is that I have made some discoveries about myself, but I'll need to deal with that another time. Please be well, stay well and love your life.


Saturday, July 05, 2008

Happy 4th!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
I wish you a very happy 4th of July weekend. Our country was founded on great ideals. Some of those ideals have been realized, and others have been greatly abused. The United States is a work in progress. Let's all work for progress so we all can share in this great experiment in freedom and justice.

On a personal note, this time was once a great family multi-day picnic/clambake. It is kind of a sad thing for me that I have been excluded from that event over the past four years. The life of someone who crosses the gender boundaries can be very hard and often lonely. On the bright side I did go to a birthday party of a friend yesterday and that was very nice. The rain was kind of a bother, but the party was nice all the same.

Love to all,

Monday, June 30, 2008


As usual I am approaching the unapproachable in a back-handed way. The title (άγχος) of this blog post should keep you guessing a bit. One hint, it is Greek. I have been feeling some very unpleasant feelings recently. Though many things have been going very well indeed, not everything is great. I really wish I felt free to explain everything, but I fear that that would cause me more distress than it would be worth. In short I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for a very long time. I think the question becomes how long before I feel I have put myself through the head banging enough and stop. I doubt that life will resolve itself in any other way.

The toll of my distress is that I occasionally feel nauseous and like I want to burst out in tears. I also occasionally feel like I obsess and I may be doing just that at this moment. If only things would work out the way I want! Of course they don't often work that way. They usually work out in unexpected ways. So much for the vagueness of my life. Life seemed so much simpler ten years ago. Things were duller, but definitely simpler. On second thought nothing in my life has been simple.

Aside from my weird inner feelings, things have gone well. I took two trips to Provencetown, MA this past month with a friend. It had been a long time since I had been there (it seems like in a different life.) I had a wonderful time. I have been loosing weight, and learning some hard lessons about the lap-band. If I am careless about eating I pay severely for the mistake. If I am careful and deliberate then things work out well. I am currently able to eat most everything. There are still, and may always be some foods that I need to avoid. Bread in almost all forms (even toast) has been very difficult and I do not plan to eat corn or rice any time soon. I have yet to eat steak, but that may be coming up. I just need to treat myself sometime soon to a good cut of steak. One thing that is very nice is that overall I am feeling better. I have better endurance and I almost feel human.

Later this week I visit my oncologist (cancer Doctor.) I will then get the report on the CAT scan performed in March. I do not expect anything bad, since I am sure I would have heard something before this.

By the way, άγχος n. (ánchos)-- anxiety, stress, emotional pressure.

Love to all,

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Bad Blogger

I know I have been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in a while. I have been relatively busy, but the real reason is that I just didn't feel like Blogging. I have been trying to deal with some personal issues and I would dearly love to blog some of them just to get it out, but discretion dictates that I don't. Sometimes the things that are internal issues don't really need to be public. I know that this leaves everyone in the dark, but that's the way it must be.

We had a severe thunder storm this afternoon and a huge limb broke of the tree in the front. It covers most of the front yard and half of the street. We were very lucky that no cars were damaged. It came close to one of them.

I hope to be more regular in blogging, but I can't promise. By the way, I am still loosing weight. I have a long way still to go, but I am feeling better. Wish me well in working through my personal crap.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Another Quickie

Later Today I will be going for a fill on the Lap-Band. This will restrict the flow of food from the upper pouch to the rest of the stomach. I really don't know what to expect. I am guessing I will get full quicker and will stay that way a bit longer. I'll let you know. Food goes down pretty easy right now. I still can't eat great quantities, but I am guessing I will be able to eat less. The less I eat, the more weight I loose! That's a good thing! Yeah!


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Happy un Mother's Day

I didn't post anything on Mother's Day. I didn't ignore it and it didn't slip by me. I just have a bit of trouble with Mother's day and it is all personal. First of all I wish all mother's all the best and I hope their day was great. My problems are two fold. First, my mother is dead and that make me extremely sad. I am denied the pleasure of celebrating with her. She had been gone for 22 years now and truth be known I miss her greatly. I know nothing can be done about this, but it contributes to my sadness on Mother's day. The second is a bit more difficult to explain. I have three sons and a grand daughter, but not even a call on Mother's day. Now my sons still look to me to be their father and I fully understand their reluctance to see me as a mother. The sad thing is that, come Father's day the same thing will happen (at least it has in the past.) I am sure the ambiguity of my strange existence (starting life as a boy and now living it as a woman) accounts for this. I can't say that I blame them much (at least they do still love me.) I am sad that I totally miss out on the experience of Mother's Day or even Father's day. I said that this one would be hard to understand. At least I tried to explain. To all the Trans women who have children I wish you a very happy Wednesday after Mother's Day (un Mother's Day!)

To my family, thanks for being there and I love you. To everyone, have a great day!