Sunday, October 12, 2008

The great Fizzle

Sometimes I just feel so discouraged. It is hard to put my finger on the some of the specifics, but there are times when it just seems that no matter what I do I just don't get any place. Maybe it has to do with the hard years I have experienced or maybe I am just tired and moody. I just get the feeling that I am never going to get out of the rut I am in. Whenever something begins to look up it seems that the same thing comes crashing down a short while later. It's so frustrating!

Maybe I should become a cloistered nun somewhere. Life would be the same each day and there would be no hopes or expectations to deal with. Now whenever there seems to be hope of something new and maybe better it fizzles (Is that really a word?)

This has been one very long day. I had three services to do today. I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and couldn't get back to sleep. I came home about 2:30 pm and fell asleep for a short while in the chair. I woke up still feeling tired. Then the possible plans for later in the day fell apart and I am not really sure why.

Tomorrow I need to do laundry. I am going to Provencetown for Women's week later this week. There is just so much to do getting ready and I only have tomorrow to do it. Tuesday is crammed full of things, a visit to my Gynecologist and then later spend some time with my Granddaughter and then a reunion of sorts at the Seminary. The one thing I really want to do I won't be doing (though I really do want to spend time with my granddaughter before she moves.)

A good thing has happened in this state (Connecticut). The State Supreme Court has decided that same sex marriages are allowed under Connecticut's constitution. This makes Connecticut the third state to make such a move (Massachusetts and California already have same sex marriages.) This pull the State out of gender enforcement rules in the most personal of relations. This is a very good thing for same sex couples. It doesn't help me very much since I seem to be stuck in a very sterile existence, but I am happy for the couples in this state.

There will be an attempt to mess this up in the state by those who feel that somehow same gender marriages devalue marriage in some way. I really cannot see how committed relationships between anyone can devalue any other relationship. Having myself been married for 31 years before the divorce I know that our differences were of our own making. No one else's relationship, same sex or not, had one bit of influence on our relationship. Though our marriage is now over we both highly valued our marriage most of the time we were married. The end didn't come because of outside influences. My internal pressures caused me to change drastically in a direction that she couldn't live with day to day. It was disappointing to me but wasn't caused from without.

This is not really helping me at the moment so I will say good night to you all. Be well.


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