Monday, September 29, 2008

So much for.......

So much for not vomiting! I have had a two week vacation from throwing up. That ended tonight. It was my fault. I ate too much chicken and broccoli. I wasn't being careful as I ate. I was distracted. Nausea seems to pervade my existence these days. If it isn't nausea caused by eating improperly it's just my life that causes the nausea. One, the former, causes actual vomiting. The other, the latter, just causes discomfort and is caused by my insistence on thinking about "things." If only I could not think for a while!

I had a long ago broken tooth capped today. At least the process began. I have a temporary cap which will be replaced in three weeks. It is so different not having those jagged edges in my mouth! What a relief!

I also set an appointment for the bit of surgery I am going to have to correct a problem that has bothered me for three years. If all goes well I will be having that surgery December 1st. It's a Monday and I am thinking I will be out of commission mostly that week, but pretty much fine afterward. I probably won't be lifting much for a few weeks, but that is ok. That's pretty good placement, after Thanksgiving and before Christmas.

For some reason, I am retaining water today. It started yesterday and has continued all day. I can tell by the way my rings fit. It is the strangest thing, but it seems to happen to me monthly. I never had ovaries or a uterus so it's not that. I would be post menopause anyway. It's just strange. Tomorrow or the day after I will loose the fluid and the rings will fit looser.

While it is on my mind, Good-By Paul Newman, God Bless you and keep you. He seemed to live life with grace and dignity, making the lives of others a bit more pleasant and better.

You have a nice evening.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Shades of gray

I have been up and down in the past two days. Yesterday was a very affirming day. It was a very full day and it was full of very positive experiences. This morning I did two services and I think I preached quite well. I am exhausted now though since I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I got in late and had to be up very early.

For some reason, I am a bit down now. Nothing new specifically has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand it. I guess the emotions I have been experiencing kind of caught up to me today. I really don't know. Possibly it is the constant rain this weekend. One thing I do know that many things in life are in shades of gray. They are not black or white, yes or no, true or false. I think I would really like some things to be clear that really are not right now.

The good thing about yesterday is that I am working on making things different. Things will be slow, but I believe I will be a new and better person and possibly happier. I can't say I am happy now, in fact, I feel that a good cry would be appropriate. I am not really unhappy with myself, but with circumstances. I would like for something to work in my favor!

I know it sounds like poor me. I am sorry, but that is how I feel. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.


Friday, September 26, 2008


Ah, nausea has set in. It's not acute nausea like I get with eating something I shouldn't. It is a long and pervasive nausea, a turning of my soul as much as my stomach. What has happened? Not much really. I guess you could say life has happened and I really am feeling unable to handle things well anymore. I feel like curling up into a little ball on the sofa. The dog does that soo well, me not so good. When did life get so out of focus and how did it get that way? These are questions I need to answer, hopefully, soon.

I now have the finances to do that bit of surgery I need. The surgery hasn't been scheduled yet so I don't know timing. It will mean a couple of weeks of being sore and a few more of restricted movement, but on the scale of things it shouldn't be too bad. This I guess figures to be another surgery year.

This isn't exactly surgery, but Monday I am having one of my molars capped. A number of years ago the tooth broke ans a huge filling came out. It has been a huge hole with jagged edges in my mouth ever since. I have never had a tooth capped before so I don't know exactly what to expect. I do hope that it will mean that in the future I will have to do less picking and flossing to remove food from the area (sorry for the image there.)

This is a dreary and rainy day here in Connecticut. We are on the fringe of a large Atlantic storm which will give us weather all weekend. These kinds of storms are called nor'easters. You can't fight the weather! Weather and nausea, ugh!

Keep dry!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


"If you re black in this country, if you re a woman in this country, if you are any minority in this country at all, what could possibly possess you to vote Republican?" Cher

I have been so self consumed recently that I have ignored many of the things that I feel are important. I am and long have been a political Liberal. I am proud of being a liberal. The politics of confusion that the Republicans are trying to dispense just scares me silly. The extreme right politicians scare me and the extreme religious contingent scare me. Did I mention that the economy scares me, also? I have young adult children and a granddaughter. I want a free and viable United States of America for them. I don't want them to live in a bigoted repressive land. I fear that things could go that way.

So much bothers me that I am almost overwhelmed. The latest item of concern is everything about the Republican Vice Presidential candidate! I must say I am just amazed. I really don't agree with McCain, but his running mate really scares me!

Needless to say Barach Obama is my candidate of choice for soooo many reasons. I just wanted to stand up and be counted.

God's Peace and my Love,

Day by Day

My mood and my perspective changes day by day. Today I had my hair done - that's always a plus. I helped my son with a little plumbing advise (my grandfather was a plumber and I learned a lot from him, but I hate it, believe me.) Later in the evening I had a good talk, very good. Life seems a little more positive. It's not perfect but at least tolerable.

All in all this was a much better day!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I had my first dental appointment in years today. It was a cleaning and full mouth exam. To say the least there is work to do! Next week I get the pleasure of having one of my molars capped. The tooth broke and a large filling fell out many years ago. Finally it will be fixed. There are cavities to fill and they seem to want to pull one of my wisdom teeth instead of filling the cavity. AT this moment I am only missing one of my teeth, a wisdom tooth that was impacted. I am not looking forward to having another wisdom tooth taken out. I need to think on this one. Teeth! You can't live with them and you don't want to live without them.

I guess I am lucky, though. Both my mother and father lost their teeth to gum disease. It's hell growing old, but I don't like the alternative. I could go on about age, but I think I will keep that one for a while.

I didn't visit my son and granddaughter today because they and my daughter-in-law (sort of) went to the big E. I have never been to the big E. One of these years I need to plan a trip there. I love fairs. I just need someone to go with. It would be a real downer going alone.

I am doing some work on my computer, so I will be off line until the changes are done. Have a good one.


Monday, September 22, 2008


Welcome to Fall! It is usually one of my favorite seasons. I am having trouble appreciating just about everything just now, but I will try to get into Fall this year. I really can't let my mood destroy everything for me.

I hate going to new Doctors! I always have to explain everything once again. You would not believe the ignorance in the Medical profession on the topic of Transsexuals. Let me be very clear, they were very nice to me! I just had to describe everything about transition and surgeries even though it really didn't apply directly. I guess it can be said that there is value in educating another Doctor.

I now know what I am dealing with. It looks like I will need another surgery before too long to solve my "issue." The "issue" is a complication of another surgery. It is a somewhat minor procedure, but will take several weeks of healing to be back to normal. I do need to find the money for this first since it is unlikely that insurance will cover this.

In any case, Happy Fall!


Sunday, September 21, 2008


I am feeling very weird today. I slept until 11:30 am which is very unusual. I had the Sunday off this week. Friday Night I didn't sleep very well at all so I guess I was making up for that. I started yesterday with the new therapist and I am quite pleased with the session. It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with her. She seems to know where I am emotionally and in life and that is good. I really don't know where I am myself so it is real good someone does. The only downside is that she is a solid hour drive away. I do have several more appointments scheduled though.

The weirdness? I am feeling kind of lost. I guess that is the best way to describe things. Nothing new has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand why I feel this way. I just feel different. I really hope the feeling is about being on the verge of something new.

I see a surgeon to assess a problem I have and to evaluate corrective surgery. This is something no one can currently see (it's hidden by clothing) but it bothers me none the less. I am not sure whether insurance will work here or whether I will have to find the funds up front. There are a lot of questions, but I do need to know the basics first.

Now that I have been as totally vague as possible, I will say good night.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

What next?

Things seem to not be getting easier recently. Not only am I having some personal difficulty, but so is one of my sons. I spent a long time talking with him yesterday and he was so down. His problems are financial and I am not in a position to be of much help. He is very down and discouraged. He is an adult, but one never ceases to be a parent and I really want the best for him. Life seems to pile things on.

He just had a very distressing interaction with his bank. Banks are I suppose ever popular these days. They managed to stick him with three overdrafts instead of one. I know, he shouldn't have overdrawn at all, but he did. The upshot is that he ended up paying over $100 for overdrawing his account a total of $4.35. It seems that the bank does something called prioritizing withdrawals. Instead of withdrawing money form your account in the order the transaction is received, they withdraw the largest amount first. They then withdraw the smaller amounts. According to my son that when he checked to do the withdrawals he was not overdrawn. He an my ex went round and round with the bank and got no where (as you might guess.)

My son doesn't make a large amount of money, so $100 in overdrawn fees is huge! He was fit to be tied and very depressed. My offer of some financial help didn't seem to help at all. He feels trapped in a low-paying job, with few options to improve himself. I know that is his impression of himself and he could easily do other work, but he is the one who has to live his own life. His older brother has a similar job and seems to make a go of it. It is interesting how different your children can be, and sometimes distressing.

What next?


On a better note, I had a Doctors appointment yesterday with the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery. He was delighted with my weight loss. He just about danced a jig. He said I had lost in weight what most people with the Lap-Band loose in a year (it has been a little over 5 months.) I am clearly pleased also with the weight loss. I feel healthier with more energy. All signs of Diabetes are gone, my cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is normal and now he wants me to see whether my sleep apnea is gone. Physically, things are better. Unfortunately, the Doctor admitted that relationships often can change and sometimes for the worse. Who can figure? S.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hard Day

It's been a difficult day. I am not sure why. Nothing new has happened. The weather wasn't even bad. Let's just say that I am looking for something in my life and not finding it and some days it really, really gets to me. Today it got to me. One of the problems is that I have no real routine to loose myself in. I am sure I have always had these kinds of days, but often I could escape in the routine of work. Most of my adult life I have worked and worked hard. It wasn't physical work, but it was always demanding. I usually worked very long hours. Not working is a novelty for me. When I was ill not working was ok. Now it isn't so great. I guess it might be great if I had the resources to travel. I don't have those resources, so today wasn't such a good day.

I was able to find a new therapist who takes my insurance. I haven't met her yet, but I am hopeful she will be helpful. The appointment is later in the week. As I look at my week, this is a week without a lot scheduled. I guess I am lonely and bored. The lonely thing I know already. I just don't know why it bothers me so much. It's all so so relative. My loneliness is a very deep one.

Enough, I am beginning to feel sorry for myself so I need a reality check. You be well.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Beat Goes On

La De Da De Dee

This has been a very tough week in many ways. I went to see my therapist on Thursday after Three and a half years. My nerves were raw and I was visibly shaken. It was an expensive hour, but well worth it. I can't say that everything is better now, because it isn't. I do have some new perspectives on things and myself. I am calmer now, but I must admit I am still depressed a bit. It is obvious to those around me and a friend commented that I wasn't my usual cheery self. Well I'm not that cheery person right now. My demeanor is quite sad and I am just living though things. Friday night I went to a fashion show and normally I would have had a blast. The best I can say now is that it was a distraction. After the show though I can say I finally get it. I am no longer young and I certainly am not beautiful. I know that is a superficial way to look at things, but in many ways it is superficial that is so important to people. I guess I had kind of imagined that inner qualities mattered. Silly me!

Yes I am in a bad mood! My therapist reminded me of what depression was all about and that is something I have been pondering real hard. I have been trying to get in touch with the real feeling. I have a lot of work to do!

La De Da De Daa

Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I know I cannot continue as I have been. My life right now is purposeless. I am emotionally vulnerable and my self confidence is totally shot. You might wonder how I got myself into such a state. It is something I wonder myself. It didn't happen overnight I can safely tell you and I really never intended to be this way. The real kicker in the deal is that I need to find a new therapist. My old therapist doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay full price (actually she discounted a small amount, but not enough.) Therapy is such a personal thing. I hate the idea of changing, but it is necessary.

What I am thinking is that my life needs to change a lot. I have so much more growing to do. I had stagnated. There is no blame here. The past few years have been tough and the way I have been living has been comfortable. It is kind of like food. I had gotten used to comfort food. Well food is no longer comfortable and I guess life has got to be that way for a while if I am to grow. Silly me, I thought I was full grown! Guess not!

The Beat goes on.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I'm Tired

I am sooo tired! I literally have tired myself out and practically driven myself crazy. It has been to absolutely no purpose. Whatever has been bothering me can't be changed in the slightest by my doing. I really don't think I want to try to change things. Some things either are or they are not. Trying to change them just drives one mad. Oh, yes I am driving myself mad! I am really don't want to try to force anything in my life right now. I just want to adjust and stabilize. Once that is done I will think about what I am to do. Tomorrow I am off to see my therapist for the first time in over three years. I think it is time for some intervention of the professional kind. If continue as I am I will have everyone hating me. I am afraid I already have the people I care about doing that.

I visited my father who has just turned 97 and my aunt who turned 93 two months ago today. These are two people who are so dear to me and I am so aware how old they are. My aunt is recovering from a cold and it is clear that a simple cold is a major deal for her. My father is in great shape and I pray he remains that way a while longer. It has been a long day with a long drive there and back. With such a long drive I had far too much time to think. Remember, I think too much. Really, I do!

I am too tired to write more. Have a great evening.


Monday, September 08, 2008

Being sick

As if it weren't enough that I am undergoing some kind of emotional meltdown, it seems that my body insists on tormenting me! It seems that on a rather regular (but not predictable) basis my stomach rejects it's contents. There seems to be no consistent pattern to this. I have tried to seriously limit portions and to chew as well as possible. Still, today's lunch, a very small piece of chicken, has given me close to an hour's worth of grief.

I will not describe the process in detail because it is very gross. It happened today at home and it has happened when I was out to lunch with friend(s). [Excuse me a second! You guessed it. Once again! yech!] It is driving me nuts. I really appreciate the loss of weight and I look forward to more, but it happened to me yesterday when I was out to a baby shower and now today. I want to screeeeeeeeem! [Excuse me!]

There can't be much left in my stomach now so the end is in sight- I hope. What they don't tell you about the Lap-Band surgery before hand!



"Words are like weapons; they wound sometimes." Cher

No comment!


Friday, September 05, 2008


The longer I live the more apparent it becomes that I understand myself almost not at all. I have been in a state (emotional) for several weeks now. Though I do know what it is about I really don't understand why it has hit me so hard. I have written some things here, but really feel constrained not to talk here fully. I know it is hard to understand if you don't know the full story and I am sorry for that. It must be this way though.

Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.

I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.

I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)

I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.


[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj

Thursday, September 04, 2008

More on Change

Some days changes come quick. I have been struggling with eating since last night. Dinner, a small piece of chicken, just didn't set well. I had difficulties all evening. Breakfast today had a similar effect. Who could think that one egg would cause hours of distress? It's lunch time now and I still feel like there is a knot in my throat. I guess that lunch will need to wait.

Some other things haven't gone exactly well. I am kind of trying to sit back and evaluate. It is a situation in which I really have no options and no control. If one could bleed over such things I would be bleeding. In stead, I am just trying to keep my breakfast down. That has become an all too frequent problem.(It's not an emotional thing, it is a learning to live with the Lap-Band thing.) I am not sure what to think. With no options and no control I just need to let go and let things be. That's not a thing I do well, but I will try.

There are times when life can be tough.


PS - I honestly have been able to take most anything life has thrown at me. I will take recent events as well. I hope I can take them gracefully. I pretty much move through life without much difficulty and I have recently filled in at congregations without causing difficulty or controversy. It has become so seamless that I had almost forgotten that there might be a problem. I got called yesterday for a Sunday fill-in and agreed to do the service. Fifteen minutes later the Priest called me back and backed out. ("This congregation is too conservative. I don't have a problem, but they might.") Guess what friend, YOU have a problem. I will brush the dust from my sandals and move on. It's just the sort of thing I really didn't need at this moment, though. It can be a cruel world.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


I changed my photo again. I think I said that I really don't like photos of me very much. At least I am smiling in this one! I am also wearing my new glasses. They are similar to the old ones, but I can see better with these ones. I guess that is the real point. When looking at frames I was really distressed at the current styles. There were so many that I just didn't like at all! I managed to find one that was similar to the old ones and went with that. The color is a little different, that's all.

I have been concentrating on the mundane things of life recently, seeking a bit of grounding. I have been doing some research on Doctors and yesterday spent a really nice afternoon with my middle son and my granddaughter. It was a simple and enjoyable day. Today? I guess there are dishes to do and some long neglected tasks in my bedroom. I have cloths that are far too big to store or deal with some how and I need to organize some of the summer things for next year. I really doubt that there will be much of an opportunity to wear the bathing suit again this year. Maybe next year I will be so much smaller that I will need a new one!

Not much has really changed for me. I am living day to day and doing ok. I hope you are doing ok and maybe doing great!.


Monday, September 01, 2008


Yesterday I did services in a church in the Northwestern corner of Connecticut. I therefore went for an early morning ride through the countryside. It is so beautiful! Though I did have a camera with me I really didn't take any time to take pictures and I am so sorry I didn't. I could have shared them with you. Connecticut at this time of year is so green. There is just the beginning of leaves turning so every once in a while there is unexpected color. It is clearly still Summer but it is certain Fall is just around the corner.

The services went well and my sermons seemed well received. The morning was a pretty sharp contrast to the confusion which has been part of my recent life. I have chronicled some of my current feelings recently, but clearly not all. Little moments of escape and clarity are so special. I really hope that you all have the opportunity for such refreshing moments.