Friday, September 05, 2008


The longer I live the more apparent it becomes that I understand myself almost not at all. I have been in a state (emotional) for several weeks now. Though I do know what it is about I really don't understand why it has hit me so hard. I have written some things here, but really feel constrained not to talk here fully. I know it is hard to understand if you don't know the full story and I am sorry for that. It must be this way though.

Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.

I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.

I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)

I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.


[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj

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