Ruminations

The longer I live the more apparent it becomes that I understand myself almost not at all. I have been in a state (emotional) for several weeks now. Though I do know what it is about I really don't understand why it has hit me so hard. I have written some things here, but really feel constrained not to talk here fully. I know it is hard to understand if you don't know the full story and I am sorry for that. It must be this way though.

Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.

I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.

I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)

I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.

Love,
Shel

ruminate
Verb
[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj

Life is strange and wonderful

I have been under internal stress all week. It is something that I have done before and I am sure will happen to me again. It turns out that much of the stress was self generated, but there is no denying I experienced a great deal of emotion. I can't say that the cause is totally dealt with, but things are substantially better. This means that I feel substantially better not necessarily that anything external has really changed. I guess I am old and foolish and sensitive and I tend to over think things. There is so much in life a person really cannot control. Sometime those things are internal. It is the internal things that are the most treacherous in the end.

If there is anything I know and can be certain of it is that life isn't simple and most hings change all the time. I guess I am saying I'm having a better day today and that yesterday didn't turn out as tough as it might have. I am, though, looking forward to a much simpler day today. I hope your day is a great one.

Love,
Shel

I just don't know

I guess The title sums it all up. For some reason my whole world seems turned upside down. It is an illusion that lets us believe that life moves along smoothly. I feel whatever it is that I feel a little too much at this time. I probably shouldn't write in this frame of mind, but here I am writing anyway.

I am an adult woman but I feel so immature, developmental even. Five years ago my whole life took a very abrupt turn. On the whole I have adapted quite well, but not completely. There are still big gaps in my life that I have been trying to fill. The problem is that I have been trying to fill them with the skill of a sixteen year old girl. Believe me I am no longer 16 and probably most 16 year olds handle things much better than I am right now. What am I to do? I wish I knew. I so fear that there is nothing I CAN do.

I wish some times I was constructed differently, but alas I'm not. I am just little old me. I can't take things lightly and I hurt all too easily. The problem is that I usually put up a front that says to all that I am in control. It is a fiction. It puts people off and creates a gulf between me and those I care about the most. In the past I have used this front to try and conquer every obstacle. I was mostly successful, but it turns out you don't learn much from success. A few more failure in my younger life might actually have been helpful. Five years ago I dropped the front, but I resurrected much of it. The reasons for this are significant, but I am not going there tonight. I now find that circumstances have forced me to drop the front a bit, not visibly, but internally. Everything is flooding out now and I may be heading to an implosion. Shel is no longer strong and in control is what I am saying. On top of that I think I may be heading for great pain. We'll see. I certainly am headed toward the great unknown and the uncontrollable. On top of everything I am about to make a complete fool of myself and possibly screw things up more.

I kind of wish I could say more, but I think that I shouldn't, so I won't. I am just hoping there will some pieces left to put back together. I am aware of the Humpty-Dumpty thing.

I am totally befuddled. I sincerely hope you are better than that.

Love,
Shel

Time, time, time

Time, time, time, see whats become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities

The above quote from a Simon and Garfunkel song strikes a real cord in me today. Last night I didn't sleep very well. I wrote about a dream I had a few days ago. When I went to bed later I had a real bad experience. I remembered an incident from 1992. More correctly, I FELT that experience. One of the good things about our existence is that we cannot recall pain. We can remember that we had pain, but we don't feel that pain when we remember. I can remember when I broke my left arm and I can remember that it was painful but I do not feel the pain when I remember. There is one exception to this and it is emotional pain. It seems to never leave us and can be recalled in it's full intensity. That's what happened to me last night. I recalled and felt emotional pain from 16 years ago. Not surprisingly that pain had to do with my ex. We almost ended our relationship back then. I suspect that if we hadn't had young kids together the relationship would have ended then.

The dream is beginning to take on some new dimensions for me now. It also strike me that the problems between my ex and I that caused the emotional distress started in early January of that year. I seem to be having a kind of anniversary reaction sixteen years later! It took me a while to get to sleep last night. I really don't want to visit that emotional place again. It would serve no purpose. Other than the dream and the anniversary thing I see no other reason to go there again. Maybe suppressed emotional material percolates up after a while. I really hope I am done with this. I have enough on my plate already. I don't need sixteen year old emotional turmoil added.

I hope your night was much better than mine and that you have a great day.

Love,
Shel