Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Beat Goes On

La De Da De Dee

This has been a very tough week in many ways. I went to see my therapist on Thursday after Three and a half years. My nerves were raw and I was visibly shaken. It was an expensive hour, but well worth it. I can't say that everything is better now, because it isn't. I do have some new perspectives on things and myself. I am calmer now, but I must admit I am still depressed a bit. It is obvious to those around me and a friend commented that I wasn't my usual cheery self. Well I'm not that cheery person right now. My demeanor is quite sad and I am just living though things. Friday night I went to a fashion show and normally I would have had a blast. The best I can say now is that it was a distraction. After the show though I can say I finally get it. I am no longer young and I certainly am not beautiful. I know that is a superficial way to look at things, but in many ways it is superficial that is so important to people. I guess I had kind of imagined that inner qualities mattered. Silly me!

Yes I am in a bad mood! My therapist reminded me of what depression was all about and that is something I have been pondering real hard. I have been trying to get in touch with the real feeling. I have a lot of work to do!

La De Da De Daa

Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I know I cannot continue as I have been. My life right now is purposeless. I am emotionally vulnerable and my self confidence is totally shot. You might wonder how I got myself into such a state. It is something I wonder myself. It didn't happen overnight I can safely tell you and I really never intended to be this way. The real kicker in the deal is that I need to find a new therapist. My old therapist doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay full price (actually she discounted a small amount, but not enough.) Therapy is such a personal thing. I hate the idea of changing, but it is necessary.

What I am thinking is that my life needs to change a lot. I have so much more growing to do. I had stagnated. There is no blame here. The past few years have been tough and the way I have been living has been comfortable. It is kind of like food. I had gotten used to comfort food. Well food is no longer comfortable and I guess life has got to be that way for a while if I am to grow. Silly me, I thought I was full grown! Guess not!

The Beat goes on.


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