10 Clams or so

I'll get to the title in a bit. First I have been very busy. I haven't been making money, but I have been busy. I will be going to Anaheim next month to attend the General Convention of the Episcopal Church. I am going with a contingent of people who are advocating the full rights of LGBT people in the Episcopal Church. I am a priest in that church and believe very much that all people are equal in the sight of God and should be equal in the Church. I am sure there will be more on that as time moves on. I will be taking my computer and plan to blog some from my home state of California. Yes, I was born in California and lived my younger years there.

Now to the clams. Actually there is a restaurant in Mystic, CT called Ten Clams. I used to stop there occasionally when returning home from a visit to my Father in Rhode Island. I stopped there because they have Clam Fritters. They are a delicacy that is sort of hard to find any place other than Rhode Island. I would have a cup of Clam Chowder ((pronounced chowda) and a half dozen fritters with Ice Tea. It doesn't sound like much, but it was heaven! It turns out that Clam Fritters are among those foods that are difficult to eat post Lap-Band. Anything bready or caky is almost a sure visit to the toilet. Sooo, I didn't stop at Ten Clams. I did think about it though. Instead I went to a Fish and Chips place I know and had one piece of Cod.

That was all part of a visit to my father and my aunt, 98 and 94 respectively. That was part of a very busy week. The first part of the week involved resolving issues created when one of my front tires shredded. I ended up not only needing two new tires, but a new lug stud (don't ask - I didn't know either) and new brakes. Yikes!
That was not only costly of time, but of money.

I also did a great deal of work for a company I am consulting with, for no money at this time ( I am a soft touch and I did as much of the project as I could do.) I also worked on a brochure for the Church effort. I had to take elements that others had created and structure it into a tri-fold brochure (project completed!) Tomorrow I go to Therapy (surprise, I have life issues) and later to T'ai Chi.

I think we are caught up. I have some thoughts on certain current issues that will have to wait for another post. It has been very soggy here in Connecticut. The mosquitoes are out and I had a bite that blew my arm up. I guess I am allergic to mosquito bites. Stay dry and safe.

Love,
Shel

Too Much.....

There is just too much to be said and I feel as if I can't get it all down. Thoughts run through my head and feelings course through me and I seem not to be able to get it all down here. On top of that when I come to writing I seem to forget half of what I want to write. Though this is a challenge for me I think that not being able to get it all down has saved me from saying far too much at times. This is a problem, because at times I want to treat this as if it were a private journal, but of course it is quite public. I have I am afraid forgotten this at times.

I have been kind of subdued and resting the past few days. I didn't feel well Friday and Saturday I went to a meeting, but did little else. Yesterday we had a house full of people for Memorial day. The severe Thunder Storms came through so everyone was inside most of the time. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and that was nice. There was clean-up to do today and some of it is still yet to be done. Incredibly some of the people who snubbed us a while ago were invited and attended. I was gracious and polite, but nothing was said in the way of apology or explanation. I find that amazing. I guess I shouldn't. My former partner for so many years did something to me far worse and she never apologized. Though I was able to continue with her, I could never fully forgive her. She never admitted her part in things. I kind of feel similar feelings here. This was less severe than what my ex did, but without some recognition of wrongness I am afraid I can't find it in my heart to forget. This is so hard for me. I am such a normally gentle person and I cannot get rid of these awful feelings.

I just at times want to go away and hide sometimes. I so much want to eat! This is a time for comfort food. I won't of course, partially because I can't and partially because I know my need to eat isn't physical, but emotional. Whenever life takes a turn like it seems to have, I feel so empty and alone. It's not all real, but certainly in my feelings it is all too real.

Tomorrow I go to the Dentist and have the temporary crown removed and the permanent one put in. I can't believe that three weeks has passed!

I feel I must put in the thought that Memorial Day isn't all about picnics. Many people gave their lives so that we might live in relative safety and freedom. I have not always agreed with our country's military policy, but the soldiers who have given so much and the families who have lost so much are worthy of remembrance. I am pretty much a pacifist and wish everyone could resolve differences without war and conflict. The reality is that I can't even do that in my own life. We are imperfect. God forgive us our imperfections!

Love,
Shel

P-Town Summary

I'm back from Provencetown. It was a very nice time. Thursday's weather was not so good, but things got better Friday and Saturday was wonderful! Things didn't quite work out like I thought they might. I spent more time walking about and shopping than I had expected, though I was very good at watching the pennies. New rule: "Don't buy it unless I am going to wear it!" This saved me a great deal. It was fun shopping though and I did buy a few things. I went with a friend and she didn't feel comfortable hanging where I had planned to go.

We went to the shows and enjoyed those, but went to the Governor Bradford Inn and watched the wildness there. They have Drag Karaoke there and it can be entertaining. The crowd was a bit young Saturday though.

Every time I visit there I leave with this great desire to move there. I don't know what I would do there or where I would live, property is so expensive and so are the rents. Also, I wouldn't make a good shop keeper. Sigh, maybe that's a dream I can hold onto.

I am having purse melt-down. I had been using a purse that I loved, but the strap began to break. I like purses with pockets. I then switched to a purse I bought last year but hadn't used. It has pockets, but not quite like the other one. I was getting to like the new one, but tonight the stitching on the new purse came unraveled and the strap came loose. I am switching purses again! It's interesting, because I bought this purse with a friend and the friendship went to pieces. Now the purse has gone to pieces. Such is life!

I am visiting a different friend from Massachusetts tomorrow for lunch. We are meeting half way, out in the middle of nowhere; at least it seems like nowhere. We haven't has an opportunity to get together in quite a while. She is an Episcopal priest also. I am looking forward to seeing her.

Commentary

This is a commentary on my life. I have been in great personal turmoil for the past seven years, possibly more. I live among other people who are in similar turmoil. I am trying to find my way out of turmoil into just life. I don't really know if there is such a thing as life without turmoil, but I am trying to at least find equilibrium. If I can find some amount of satisfaction from life then that will be a bonus. It has taken me a long time to become this person.

The reason for this post is that I realize that there are those around me who are in turmoil and change. They may be in the kind of turmoil that I was in a few years ago and with the questions I had a few years ago. I feel for them, but I am no longer where they are. I have new challenges and a new life to live. I have a life to live .... What a wonderful statement! I have a life to live and I won't allow anyone to diminish that life. Those that want to contribute, those who want to be positive can come along.

Pensively,
Shel

What to write?

I am still down from the weekend's happenings. I really don't feel much like rehashing any of it. There are really too many difficult things that happened that involved too many people. I am backing off and trying to focus on new things that are more positive and people who are more positive. I will try not to hold onto the hurt and let it all go. Possibly time will heal some raw sensibilities.

I will miss my T'ai Chi class tonight to attend a woman's networking event. I am hoping to get some computer clients from this. In any case it is an enjoyable event and there are no "Gay" politics involved. I am so new to the group that I would have no way of knowing about a snub and no expectations of friendly greetings. Everyone is pretty new at this group and generally friendly. It is generally a refreshing change.

Oh, yesterday I had a temporary crown put on one of my molars. The permanent one will be put in in three weeks. Until then I have a "gold" molar. I am sure it is only gold colored and really is some kind of alloy. While it is in there I do have to be a bit careful when chewing, brushing and flossing. They apparently use a temporary glue that requires some care.

Today I had a blood test in the morning. This is a prelude to a Doctor's appointment next week. These things seem to come in clusters. Timing next week may be tricky. I may be visiting a friend in Massachusetts part of the week and then I will be in Provincetown for the single women's weekend. I went last year, but didn't meet anyone of long term interest, but you never know. The question is can I get everything in next week?

Speaking of getting everything in, I had better get changed for this event tonight. I have to drive a bit so need to be ready early. Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Shel

Random Thoughts

The last few days have been very warm and beautiful. Actually, it has been kind of hot! It seems that we just got out of Winter and it is now Summer. My life has been kind of like the weather, it's either hot or cold. The weather is hot and my life is cold. I constantly look for patterns to my life but I am afraid all is random. I have been reading a book about randomness and probability so forgive me. I am quite like most other people and I tend to draw conclusions from very small amounts of data. I am guessing that I make some very bad conclusions and therefor bad decisions. In fact I know I have made some bad decisions.

How does one move forward if one just is at the whims of total randomness? It is enough to put one into a catatonic state. In spite of this I will attempt to move forward and live my life - as imperfect as it is bound to be.

I think I had something to write, but for the life of me it alludes me now. I am coming to the close of my weight group therapy. I am going to miss this group very much. These people have become part of my life. I hope I am now prepared to handle living and eating. I now understand that my weight issues are from deep issues that are quite complex. They involve my dependence on my mother and my deep need to be loved. My mother is dead and those who I thought might love me appear not to, maybe they never did. How do I continue with this very basic need unfulfilled? I feel like I have an open sore with salt on it. It is hard not to seek consolation in something like food or alcohol. I am trying to endure though. I don;t drink and I fight the urges to eat. The Lap-band helps. If I do eat, I can only eat small amounts (trust me on this!)

Enough for tonight. Tomorrow I am off to the dentist and then later I have T'ai Chi.
You be well.

Love,
Shel

I must be Boring!

I am kidding, I know I am boring. I was just looking at the stats on this blog and the readership has been going steadily downward. I guess that when I go through more emotional grief and pain I more interesting. It's not that I am having less pain, it's that I am too busy to notice the pain (and to write.) Things are slowing down so I will write more. Slowing down is only a relative thing though. There are things I should do and have put off, like my laundry and my taxes (yes I filed for an extension.) It seems that when I went to do my taxes, at the last minute of course, I couldn't find my statements! What I thought was this year's statements were actually for last year's taxes. I know I have the material, but I need to look through stacks of stuff to find it. I filed for an extension! Laundry is a lost cause. I will run out of clean underwear and other cloths soon so is essential that I get to it! Exciting stuff!

I went to my therapist last week. I have been doing intensive therapy with individual sessions and the group therapy. I don't know if I am getting any better, but I am trying. I want to keep the weight off and I would like to meet a new woman love interest. We are entering "Pride" season. Maybe I can meet a nice dyke at a pride celebration, sigh! Northampton, MA pride is in two weeks. After having the same partner for thirty one years I am trying to reorient myself to being a bachelorette again and dating. There is nothing more formidable than one's own mind.

I went for a walk with a friend today. There are walking and bike riding paths near here that were once rail road tracks. Before that there was a canal that ran between New Haven and Farmington Connecticut. It's interesting because I lived right beside the rail/canal when I was at Yale for graduate school. I live right beside it again when I lived in the Mildale section of Southington. My address was on canal street. We walked on the Cheshire section of the old canal rail line. It's all paved now and there is even a restored lock of the old canal. It was a beautiful day. My only problem was that I was having stomach problems. My lunch wasn't agreeing with me. I felt like throwing up the whole time (I even did it twice.) The Lap-Band has been a great aid in loosing weight, but occasionally I have problems with certain foods.

Oh, I got a "Magic Jack" internet phone connection. I am surprised, but it works. I have made due with a cell phone for the past six years. I now have a land line. I bought a magic Jack and a cheep cordless phone and I am in business. My cell phone often gets poor reception at home. I can now call out with this phone and it even has voice mail. Not bad for $19.95 a year. The device cost $20.00 and I had to buy a phone. Actually I could make and receive calls with the computer if I wanted.

I had to change purses today. I have a bunch of them so that wasn't a problem, but I loved the purse I was using. The strap began to seriously fray. The rest of the purse was in good shape. I am buying a new strap to put on it. I'll use this other one for a while. I bought the current purse with a friend. We went to dinner and then did some shopping afterward. The sad thing is that she doesn't talk with me any more. I don't know what happened she just didn't answer my call and didn't return my call. It's kind of hard to maintain a friendship with someone who won't talk with you.

Sorry about that. Tomorrow my day begins with T'ai Chi and stays busy. You have a good day!

Love,
Shel

Busy, Busy

I have so busy that I haven't blogged in a while. I am not really sure what to say, but I helped organize and run a conference that was held last Saturday. I lead one workshop and lead a panel discussion. Both were well received and the conference went very well. It was an awful lot of work, though. I came home Saturday and fell asleep in the chair. The following day I had a smaller speaking engagement to a church group. This also went well. It was a fulfilling weekend.

Yesterday was my food group therapy. This group is growing to a close soon. Though the material we have been dealing with in the group is painful at times I will be sad to see it end. We have shared a lot together. Am I cured of overeating? This is yet to be seen. I have learned a bit about my own reasons for eating and knowing is a big part of the solution. I am still loosing weight, but I know I still feel the urge to eat food for emotional reasons. Right now the Lap Band restricts me, but there are ways around that and I don't want to do that. Comfort food I am done with you!

Enough for now. I hope to share some of my feelings about what has been happening in my life soon. Have a good evening.

Love,
Shel

Σoφíα

For those of you that never took Greek, the title is the word Σoφíα (Sophia) which means wisdom. I used this title because I seem to have very little of this quality these days. I thought I knew what wisdom was, but I was just a little bit off. You see I thought it has something to do with being smart. It doesn't, it has to do with happiness. "Wisdom is an ideal that has been celebrated since antiquity as the knowledge needed to live a good life." Wisdom and happiness in life are something that continues to allude me. In analyzing just about everything about me I find that I am busy and active, but I really don't think I am really happy. I could look around to find someone to blame for this, but I really can't do this. If I could learn to be totally sufficient in myself maybe I could feel satisfied, but I am a social person. If I wasn't that way I would have long ago become a chemist. Yes, there was a time I was on my way to a Ph.D. in chemistry. I was kind of a chemistry prodigy, but I couldn't stand the very long isolated hours in the chemistry labs. Though I was getting straight "A's" I switched to an uncertain but more social future in Philosophy and eventually Theology(I still got "A's". I know it's disgusting.)

This all is just a lead up to the realization that I am unhappy. The reasons for this unhappiness are complicated, probably too complicated for here, but they are real. My realization of this unhappiness has been developing for a while. I thought that making myself busier would help. Well, I am busy as anything right now and the business just distracts me. It hasn't solved the problem. There is a quality of live issue. It is a bit beyond business or even meaningfulness.

I am not sure what to do about this. I started therapy a half a year ago and I am now only beginning to open up the problem. I am discovering the problem and I am no where near solving it. I very much at this point would like for things to be simple. I would like something to hang everything on, but I seems to not be any of the obvious things. Let me be clear the problem is clear to me but the cause is what is hard to know. For example, I feel so alone in spite of the fact that I am continually surrounded with people. I am also sad in spite of many reasons to be happy.

If I only had some wisdom!

Love,
Shel

Chilled

I am sitting here writing on my computer and I am feeling chilled. The widget on my desktop says it is 43 degrees outside and that isn't really that cold. It is damp though. I just had a bad encounter with a meatball and a daub of spaghetti, yes, about 3 oz of food. I just made it to the porcelain goddess. Things usually aren't that quick. The agony just lingers. Spaghetti sometimes affects me that way now. I can't eat rice at all. You would think that spaghetti being soft that it would be easy to eat, not so.

My father is back from his travels to Georgia. He seems to be quite well. We both visited my Aunt. My father is 97 and my aunt is 93. My aunt was having difficulty. She just had two teeth out and was still in pain and swollen. Otherwise she was well though. She has had her problems since the strokes, but is still herself. If I make it to 90 anything I hope I am as good as she is. My father is remarkable for any age.

I think that I have remarked before on the brilliant Blog posts I have never actually posted. I write these posts in my head when I am away from my computer and by the time I get to a computer they are gone, puff! I just need to carry my computer with me everywhere, I guess.

I am now twittering. I am doing it more to see what it is all about. If you want to twitter me, or whatever it is called, there is a link on the blog page.

I have lost some more weight. I had leveled off for a while, but I went to my oncologist Friday and I have lost four pounds since the Lap-Band fill. That is about a pound a week or more and that is good. It is also probably the reason I had to rush to the bathroom a while ago. I went to the oncologist to get the report from my last CAT scan. EVERYTHING is good! There is no sign of cancer and the aneurysm grew only slightly. This is good. The CAT scan itself would be nothing except that they give me contrast solution that gives hot flashes later in the day and use an intravenous dye that I am allergic to. After the cat scan I was flushed all day into the evening. The good news here is that CAT scans in the future will mostly be for the aneurysm. My Doctor was truly pleased with my results!

Well this is it for tonight. Stay warm and be well.

Love,
Shel

Some Random Thoughts

Sometime a person can be their own worst enemy and engage in very self-defeating behavior. I know this from all too personal experience. I think of all the time I wasted in futile attempts to not really live my life and I cringe. The problem is that I can see this behavior in others, but no one listens. I guess we are all destined to make all of our own mistakes. I certainly made plenty of them, but I clearly didn't have all the facts at my disposal earlier in my life. I think that I took the hard path, but In fact I took what was likely the only path at the time. Things are different today, I think, considerably different.

Life is up and down with my children, especially with my youngest son. He has always seemed to want to chart his own path, rocky as it might be. For the past two month he has hardly spoke to me, mostly a grunted "Hi." Suddenly he wants me to help him with a computer project and is all chatty. I am tickled pink, but it's so strange.

I am back to doing T'ai Chi. My back is in reasonable, though not perfect, shape. I feel so much better after doing just a little of the T'ai Chi and Chigong exercises.

The weather has been great the past two days! It has been warm and mostly sunny. I don't even mind the strange new time-change date. By the way I got a full night's sleep last night. Aside from the T'ai Chi and a bit of grocery shopping I haven't been doing too much outside of the house. I have been on the computer a lot; make that too much. I have been doing a little too much browsing and not enough writing.

This is running on so I will conclude. I am looking for more warm weather and hopefully some new spring experiences, and friends. This looks to be a busier week. Have a good evening.

Love,

Shel

Blog Posts never Written

Last night I had all of two hour's sleep. I really don't know what the matter was. I went to bed about 4:30 in the morning and I must have fallen asleep about 5 AM. I had to get up at 7:30 this morning. Surprisingly, I don't feel all that tired. I really haven't done that much today, except some grocery shopping. Along the way today it occurred to me that I have been constantly writing Blog Posts in my mind. Most of these never made it up here. In some cases that is a good thing, but in some other cases they are ideas lost. It is sort of the way I deal with sermon preparation, my mind continually works on the ideas.

Some of the things I have been pondering recently have been my future, what I will be doing and where I will do it. I think I mentioned a while back that some interesting possibilities have opened up recently. I have also been considering my relationships. Some of that has to do with the group therapy I have been doing and also the individual therapy sessions. I am beginning to understand a bit about my own needs. I also am becoming convinced that the best friend is one who really wants to be a friend. I am guessing that not all my friends have really wanted to be friends. I am getting over things I guess.

I have been extraordinarily busy at times with as many as three overlapping activities at time. I wish that all these different things could be spread out a bit. If only life could be organized, what a thought!

I have been dealing with the damage to my car. It won't be fixed until next week and then I will need to shop for a new radio /cd player. The car originally came with a cassette player. Who uses cassettes anymore? I don't even have any. The who;e thing is quite disturbing.

Wish me a good night's sleep!

Love,
Shel

Relief at Last

Relief from back pain that is! Yes I am getting better. I have been out of the house and I have been doing house chores, etc. It is such a relief. The pain isn't completely gone, but it is quite clearly improving. The group therapy for weight loss and maintenance continues to be intense and quite revealing. Ironically as it progresses some new life possibilities seem to be opening to me. Many of my attitudes are changing and I am beginning to understand that I need to move on in my life. I have been thinking things I haven't thought in a while.

I have been trying to encourage a dear friend to explore weight loss surgery. She seems quite ambivalent and I know that the extra weight protects us from something in our lives. It is hard to give up that protection because there is a fear of being vulnerable. I hope for her health she takes the risk, at least to explore.

I need to go off to bed. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and I plan to go to an early service in a local Parish. I get to be in the congregation, an unusual pleasure.

G'Nite.

Love,
Shel

Ouch!

Yesterday the pain in my back grew to monumental proportions. I made the mistake of horsing several heavy objects around. The muscles in my lower back absolutely seized up and I was on the verge of tears. I literally could not move out of my chair without help. I could not go to a dinner meeting. I consumed ibuprofen tablets and did practically nothing. Many ibuprofen tabs later and only moving when necessary I began to feel a bit better. I was able to go to bed unaided and I slept all night. I am somewhat better today.

I can move about without much pain and I have only taken two Ibuprofen tabs. One of the things I was horsing about was a bureau. It needed assembly and obviously it didn't get done yesterday. I started to do it today and shortly into the project I discovered that one of the major pieces had been severely damaged. I called the company immediately and they assured a replacement would be FedEx'ed to me A.S.A.P.
We'll see! The project is on hold for the moment. This is a real disappointment.

I still have another piece of furniture to assemble (the second and heaviest piece.) It is so heavy I am not sure how I will be able to handle it. I clearly do not want to revisit the pain of yesterday (it was quite severe. I tolerate pain rather well, but this was incredible!) Well I am off to figure out how to assemble the next piece. Peace.

Love,
Shel

Sleepless in Connecticut

I almost always get a good night's sleep. There have been times I haven't gotten enough sleep because I went to bed too late and got up too early, but I usually don't suffer from insomnia. Two weeks ago I had a very bad night's sleep (basically none). There was nothing really bothering me then. Last night was a repeat, only my mind was clearly working over time. I am really beat now.

Part of the problem is that my back has been really bothering me quite bad. I know I have arthritis in my lower back and it acts up occasionally. Friday my back was starting to feel better, but yesterday morning I stepped on a shoe in my room and pulled the muscles in my lower back. I have been in pain ever since. So I had back pain last night. The bigger problem I think is that I have been going through group therapy for weight issues. I really want to continue to loose weight and to keep it off. I think I got in touch with some basic issues in my life. It is clear to me that these issues have been with me a very long time and they are solely my issues. I really can't blame any one else for them and there wasn't really anything that happened to bother me (other than what I have discovered about myself.)

I have come this far in my life and I find I don't really have a clue about how to make my life work out. I have been quite successful in keeping myself busy, but I don't know how to satisfy my most basic life needs. Instead of doing what I really need to do I fill myself with food to compensate. The problem is that knowing is only a part of deal, changing is the real problem. Today was a loss. My back hurt and I have been exhausted. I felt so bad I missed a meeting I had planed on attending. I didn't leave the house. My oldest son's birthday is today and I called him and will have to deliver his card and present another day. This whole weight loss thing is going to be much harder than I thought. I need to do it though for myself.

I also had a birthday last week which I spent with some great friends; dinners out the evening before and the evening of. It was very nice. Valentines day passed yesterday. It hasn't been a personally significant holiday for me in a while, but I do think it's nice to acknowledge friendships. So friends, Happy Valentines Day....a little late! Please remember I am a bit sleep deprived.

I really need to process many things. I am sure you'll hear more. I'm going to bed soon so good night.

Love,
Shel

Dear Diary

I seem to have emotional difficulties at rather odd time and at times when there has been nothing in particular to trigger the difficulty.My emotional difficulty these days is pretty much feeling down in the dumps. I go far enough down to feel like crying at times. Though my life in general has been getting better some things haven't improved much at all. I still feel a great lack inside. I have been so busy that I don't often think about this, but strangely it comes up while I am driving from place to place. I guess that while driving I am alone with time to think. This is somewhat true but I tend to think of a great deal of things while driving plus I listen to audio books. I guess that in a very deep level I am lonely, lonely in a way that superficial socialization doesn't solve. I am it seems always busy or surrounded by people and driving is one of the few times I am truly alone.

I think that this is all a consequence of spending 31 years of my life committed to a relationship with a person who was less committed to me than I was to her. I look back and I can see that my own insecurities lead me ignore problems and to settle for a relationship that wasn't stable. I still seem to be more committed to that relationship that I should be. I always respond to her need for money even when I really don't have the money to give. I get nothing back from her. It is a pattern in my life. I give and give and often without any thought of receiving, but eventually that becomes draining. I think that I am becoming drained emotionally. I guess that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of things. I know this sounds a bit like I am feeling sorry for myself but I really am trying to analyze my current mood. I after all have no expectation that my ex will ever be different than she is, nor do I really want to be deeply involved with her again. I would like very much to avoid repeating my previous mistakes. I don't know if I have another 30 years to waste.

I never was very much into the diary thing or journaling. This Blog has been the closest thing to a diary I have maintained for a sustained period of time. I am though starting a therapy group to deal with the reasons behind my eating (that is eating in excess of what is needed for sustenance.) It is clear that I will be doing a great deal of journaling for the group. It will be hard work, but nothing that is worthwhile is really easy. Right now the group consists of the leader who is a man and 10 women. That's a large therapy group. I am impressed that the leader is willing to take on this group with me in it. I after all bring a very peculiar set of life experiences to the mix. I am sure that my gender history is closely related to my eating problems and that everything will be known to the group. Unfortunately, I will not be able to say to much about the group because we all have agreed to confidentiality. I can say things about myself as long as I don't reveal anything about anyone else in the group.

It's late and I am getting tired and I can't really remember everything I wanted to mention. I'll need to end now. Keep warm and be well.
Love,
Shel

Strings and things

Just as I think I might have a grasp on Quantum Physics it begins to look like theoretical physics is moving toward a form of string theory. My head is swimming! Quantum theory introduced a kind of craziness to understanding the universe. String theory is just hard to grasp. As I am getting it the most current theory is now being called "M" theory. It is a form of super string theory with 11 dimensions. That is 10 spacial dimensions and one time dimension. A string is the fundamental substance of the universe and everything is differentiated by string vibrations. This is where I thought I understood things. Now they seem to have added membranes and folded spacial dimensions to the theory and I am quite lost. It's going to take me a while. I haven't quite finished the first book and I have a second book to read. Maybe with two perspectives I might get a glimmer.

An interesting thing happened just before Christmas. I was contacted via email by someone I knew in High School. I of course have made quite a transition in my life since then, but we still have exchanged a few more emails. It is quite interesting to learn how her life has been. It is quite unexpected and pleasant.

I actually have a consulting customer. This is a good thing. It is an individual that wants some help with a backup strategy and help organizing her system. there a few other things she wants done. I am looking forward to doing the work.

Sunday is my last scheduled church job. I have greatly enjoyed preaching every Sunday for a while. I know that sounds a little strange, but I enjoy preaching. I look at it as a form of dialogue and an opportunity to teach. The more I enjoy preaching the better the response is from the congregation.

We have had a break in the weather. It has been a little warmer, but the cold is coming back this week. The snow has stopped though. I think I will have had my fill of Winter for a while when Spring comes.

I watched Barach Obama become President Tuesday. We had a kind of party at the house for the Inauguration. I look to his administration with great hope. It disgusts me that there are some who are looking for him to fail. I think if he fails we all fail and those who want him to fail also want America to fail.

I know that this is all disjointed and fragmented. I hope it has made some sense. I wish you Peace and as always my Love,
Shel

Catch Up

Wow! I am sorry I haven't been posting. I have been busy, mostly doing nothing. It's not much of an excuse. Actually it seems that everything has been catching up on me. There are nights that I have three places to be at exactly the same time.

I have also been fretting over my father. He is in Georgia for three months and I now find out that he had to go to the hospital this past week. He was dehydrated. He is an old man at 97, but he has been independent. His friends he is visiting took car of him, but he is now a long way away from me. I worry. I am an only child. My mother died twenty years ago and my father has been great to me.

It has been cold! So cold! I have been walking around with multiple layers of clothing on. I bought new heavy gloves, the kind skiers use. What was once snow is now packed and icy. It's time for some warmth!

This past week I had two Doctor appointments. My family Doctor is checking my blood chemistry for my cholesterol and sugar. Both things have been extremely good. That appointment went well. I also saw my oncologist (cancer Doctor). It has been 4.5 years since my cancer was discovered and removed. I will have a CAT scan again in March and if everything is OK I guess I will be see him only yearly after that. This is all good. I was not expecting anything different, but confirmation is a good thing.

Everything that was done in December is healing well. The surgery has healed and there is no pain and the tooth has healed over. There is kind of a hole where the tooth was that occasionally catches food, but it is easy to clean. All is good there.

My personal life has been sort of uneventful. My friend and I have made up and are talking once again and that is good. The son who moved to Arizona has now bought a video camera for his computer. We can now do video conferencing. The Internet is a marvelous thing! I remember the early days of the Internet and I thought it was great to be able to exchange email. So much more is done now!

Peace for now,
Love,
Shel

Miss Cellany

It's been a very unusual day today. First I went to pick up a few groceries. What a mistake! It seems that today marked the end of the world or something like it. The market was packed! I had trouble finding a parking place. It seems that snow was predicted...... The whole world ends if there is snow I guess. I did find what I needed. There seemed to be a run on hummus though, strange.

When I got home one of my house mates daughters brought her computer over. It had a rather nasty sort of spyware on it. I spent most of the rest of the day fixing the system. I was supposed to go to a meeting in Hartford, but never made it there. The snow did finally arrive. I haven't noticed the end of the world though.

You might have noticed that I removed the music. All three of the poll responses were to remove it and always seeking to please I removed the music. If you really need to hear my choice in music you can go to my myspace site.

Not a lot has happened since my last post. Life is neither better or worse I think. My surgery has healed quite well as has the spot where my wisdom tooth was. My 97 year old father went to southern Georgia for the rest of the winter and I have had Sunday services since Christmas. I guess I have been busy.

I will be starting a 12 week group therapy at the end of the month to help me learn more about why I got so heavy. Hopefully I will be able to keep this weight off now. I am well aware that surgery isn't magic and I need to still be proactive in my weight loss and finally maintenance.

There is more, but I am not really ready to share all today and some things are yet to be known. I have been back to reading theoretical Physics again so expect strange ideas as quantum thinking begins to rub off on me. The question of the day is "why do I stink so bad at pool?"

Keep warm. It is snowing outside.

Love,
Shel

New year ....

New Year = New Life

This is a question, not a fact. I have no resolutions and no plan( I do have some plans, but no grand scheme.) I do have hope for a better year and a better life and possibly some fulfillment. Wow! There goes the question again. One thing, I begin the new year pretty broke. I am down to the essentials right now. That might not be quite so bad. Possessing things isn't all that great.

Peace and Happy New Year!

Love,
Shel