Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dear Diary

I seem to have emotional difficulties at rather odd time and at times when there has been nothing in particular to trigger the difficulty.My emotional difficulty these days is pretty much feeling down in the dumps. I go far enough down to feel like crying at times. Though my life in general has been getting better some things haven't improved much at all. I still feel a great lack inside. I have been so busy that I don't often think about this, but strangely it comes up while I am driving from place to place. I guess that while driving I am alone with time to think. This is somewhat true but I tend to think of a great deal of things while driving plus I listen to audio books. I guess that in a very deep level I am lonely, lonely in a way that superficial socialization doesn't solve. I am it seems always busy or surrounded by people and driving is one of the few times I am truly alone.

I think that this is all a consequence of spending 31 years of my life committed to a relationship with a person who was less committed to me than I was to her. I look back and I can see that my own insecurities lead me ignore problems and to settle for a relationship that wasn't stable. I still seem to be more committed to that relationship that I should be. I always respond to her need for money even when I really don't have the money to give. I get nothing back from her. It is a pattern in my life. I give and give and often without any thought of receiving, but eventually that becomes draining. I think that I am becoming drained emotionally. I guess that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of things. I know this sounds a bit like I am feeling sorry for myself but I really am trying to analyze my current mood. I after all have no expectation that my ex will ever be different than she is, nor do I really want to be deeply involved with her again. I would like very much to avoid repeating my previous mistakes. I don't know if I have another 30 years to waste.

I never was very much into the diary thing or journaling. This Blog has been the closest thing to a diary I have maintained for a sustained period of time. I am though starting a therapy group to deal with the reasons behind my eating (that is eating in excess of what is needed for sustenance.) It is clear that I will be doing a great deal of journaling for the group. It will be hard work, but nothing that is worthwhile is really easy. Right now the group consists of the leader who is a man and 10 women. That's a large therapy group. I am impressed that the leader is willing to take on this group with me in it. I after all bring a very peculiar set of life experiences to the mix. I am sure that my gender history is closely related to my eating problems and that everything will be known to the group. Unfortunately, I will not be able to say to much about the group because we all have agreed to confidentiality. I can say things about myself as long as I don't reveal anything about anyone else in the group.

It's late and I am getting tired and I can't really remember everything I wanted to mention. I'll need to end now. Keep warm and be well.

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