Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sleepless in Connecticut

I almost always get a good night's sleep. There have been times I haven't gotten enough sleep because I went to bed too late and got up too early, but I usually don't suffer from insomnia. Two weeks ago I had a very bad night's sleep (basically none). There was nothing really bothering me then. Last night was a repeat, only my mind was clearly working over time. I am really beat now.

Part of the problem is that my back has been really bothering me quite bad. I know I have arthritis in my lower back and it acts up occasionally. Friday my back was starting to feel better, but yesterday morning I stepped on a shoe in my room and pulled the muscles in my lower back. I have been in pain ever since. So I had back pain last night. The bigger problem I think is that I have been going through group therapy for weight issues. I really want to continue to loose weight and to keep it off. I think I got in touch with some basic issues in my life. It is clear to me that these issues have been with me a very long time and they are solely my issues. I really can't blame any one else for them and there wasn't really anything that happened to bother me (other than what I have discovered about myself.)

I have come this far in my life and I find I don't really have a clue about how to make my life work out. I have been quite successful in keeping myself busy, but I don't know how to satisfy my most basic life needs. Instead of doing what I really need to do I fill myself with food to compensate. The problem is that knowing is only a part of deal, changing is the real problem. Today was a loss. My back hurt and I have been exhausted. I felt so bad I missed a meeting I had planed on attending. I didn't leave the house. My oldest son's birthday is today and I called him and will have to deliver his card and present another day. This whole weight loss thing is going to be much harder than I thought. I need to do it though for myself.

I also had a birthday last week which I spent with some great friends; dinners out the evening before and the evening of. It was very nice. Valentines day passed yesterday. It hasn't been a personally significant holiday for me in a while, but I do think it's nice to acknowledge friendships. So friends, Happy Valentines Day....a little late! Please remember I am a bit sleep deprived.

I really need to process many things. I am sure you'll hear more. I'm going to bed soon so good night.


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