Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Random Thoughts

The last few days have been very warm and beautiful. Actually, it has been kind of hot! It seems that we just got out of Winter and it is now Summer. My life has been kind of like the weather, it's either hot or cold. The weather is hot and my life is cold. I constantly look for patterns to my life but I am afraid all is random. I have been reading a book about randomness and probability so forgive me. I am quite like most other people and I tend to draw conclusions from very small amounts of data. I am guessing that I make some very bad conclusions and therefor bad decisions. In fact I know I have made some bad decisions.

How does one move forward if one just is at the whims of total randomness? It is enough to put one into a catatonic state. In spite of this I will attempt to move forward and live my life - as imperfect as it is bound to be.

I think I had something to write, but for the life of me it alludes me now. I am coming to the close of my weight group therapy. I am going to miss this group very much. These people have become part of my life. I hope I am now prepared to handle living and eating. I now understand that my weight issues are from deep issues that are quite complex. They involve my dependence on my mother and my deep need to be loved. My mother is dead and those who I thought might love me appear not to, maybe they never did. How do I continue with this very basic need unfulfilled? I feel like I have an open sore with salt on it. It is hard not to seek consolation in something like food or alcohol. I am trying to endure though. I don;t drink and I fight the urges to eat. The Lap-band helps. If I do eat, I can only eat small amounts (trust me on this!)

Enough for tonight. Tomorrow I am off to the dentist and then later I have T'ai Chi.
You be well.

Love,
Shel

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