La,De,Da,De,Dee

And the pain goes on, La....... It's a variation on a theme of my current life and a partial paraphrase of a song. My emotional pain is quite visceral. I really don't know why I am not in my room crying my eyes out. I also am aware that this is something like screaming at a brick wall, but the other options are writing this all in a private journal for my kids to read after I die. It may be a bit better to get things out while I am alive and kicking. Today looked to be a reasonably nice day. I was off to the Pride celebration in Northampton, MA. The weather didn't look great so I brought a rain jacket and umbrella. The weather just got better and better all day. This was a definite plus. As it turned out we were a bit late so we only caught the very end of the parade. We parked in the garage and I went to the film festival booth.

I have been working on the Out Film festival for Hartford and I volunteered to help at the booth. I arrived at the booth and it was busy. The Festival Director was the only other person there and we passed out many brochures. The festival is later in the month and the brochure has the film line-up. We were very busy. Quite few friends came by the table and I was able to chat a bit. Some of them wanted me to go to the Tea Dance after the festival, but I was riding with friends, so that didn't happen. AS the afternoon came to a close, my friends and I met up with other friends for dinner. The plan was to get a table for 12 at the outdoor dining area. The problem was that the area was jammed and a large table would be a very long wait. An indoor table was secured quite quickly and we were seated - except for one person who went to the bar. We ordered drinks and food. The person who had been at the bar came back and said something to one end of the table and one half of the group got up and went upstairs. We sat there speechless. No one said boo to us or excused themselves or anything. Then one of the group that went upstairs came down and asked the person sitting next to me to come upstairs (he didn't go.)

I have no idea what happened, but I do know that some of the people who left to go upstairs I counted as friends, one in particular. She didn't say a word to me or even acknowledge my existence, not a hi or goodbye. I guess I am shy of a couple of friends now - for reasons unknown. WTF!

I will cry later -that's for sure! Some things really stink in life. Just because you get older doesn't mean that you understand your life. I clearly don't understand mine. Thus ends a day that started reasonably well, progressed nicely and turned to crap!

"The beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da"

Love,
Shel