Yes, but.......

The one thing you certainly don't want to hear from any one is "You are a good person." That phrase sounds innocent enough, but it is loaded with all kinds of badness. What is almost never stated along with it is the "but." It is the "but" part of things that is the operative part, the biting and vicious part. "You are a good person, but ......." Let's fill in some of the possibilities here: "I don't like you, you are not my kind of person, f___ off, etc, etc." Do you get the idea?

No one's really a Good person. This is really the attempt by someone to brush you off by making you feel superior. It's killing you with kindness. Any time that is said to me these days, I am gone. I get the message! I know who I am and I know I am a mixture of nice and not so nice, I am far from Good. In fact, Jesus says it very well, "Only God is good." In any case, I only want to associate with people who want to associate with me and that's real.

Love,
Shel

Follow-UP

I have done my crying (see previous post for reasons.) I will try to move on. [section removed by author for personal reasons] I guess that that is the way of life and relationships. Here today and gone tomorrow.

Enough of that. I have really fallen in love with my Netbook. It's an Asus eeePC with a 10" screen and a 160 Gb hard drive. It came with Windows XP, but I have put the new Windows 7 on it. I had the Beta edition on it. but I now just changed to the Release Candidate version. You might say that the RC of Windows 7 isn't out yet, but it is if you have a Technet Plus subscription. I get a few day's jump on using it. I like it and it runs well on this small netbook. Why am I using the netbook? It is simple, it is small enough to go with me easily and large enough to be functional. Most things are built into it. It doesn't have a cd/dvd player but I have found many ways around that. I am using my desktop machine as a kind of file and print server. It is running Windows XP but I do network access to it. I get access to most things that way. If I need a CD/DVD I attach a stock dvd with a USB adapter cable to it. I burned a bunch of cd for the conference that way. I used the netbook and my regular laptop to burn cd's and I printed the cd labels from the desktop/server. I had a real production line going. I used a free burner software called Image Burn to do the cd burning. I burned 200 cd's and only one of them was a dud. That's pretty good.

I need to get up. The bathroom calls. Peace!

Love,
Shel

La,De,Da,De,Dee

And the pain goes on, La....... It's a variation on a theme of my current life and a partial paraphrase of a song. My emotional pain is quite visceral. I really don't know why I am not in my room crying my eyes out. I also am aware that this is something like screaming at a brick wall, but the other options are writing this all in a private journal for my kids to read after I die. It may be a bit better to get things out while I am alive and kicking. Today looked to be a reasonably nice day. I was off to the Pride celebration in Northampton, MA. The weather didn't look great so I brought a rain jacket and umbrella. The weather just got better and better all day. This was a definite plus. As it turned out we were a bit late so we only caught the very end of the parade. We parked in the garage and I went to the film festival booth.

I have been working on the Out Film festival for Hartford and I volunteered to help at the booth. I arrived at the booth and it was busy. The Festival Director was the only other person there and we passed out many brochures. The festival is later in the month and the brochure has the film line-up. We were very busy. Quite few friends came by the table and I was able to chat a bit. Some of them wanted me to go to the Tea Dance after the festival, but I was riding with friends, so that didn't happen. AS the afternoon came to a close, my friends and I met up with other friends for dinner. The plan was to get a table for 12 at the outdoor dining area. The problem was that the area was jammed and a large table would be a very long wait. An indoor table was secured quite quickly and we were seated - except for one person who went to the bar. We ordered drinks and food. The person who had been at the bar came back and said something to one end of the table and one half of the group got up and went upstairs. We sat there speechless. No one said boo to us or excused themselves or anything. Then one of the group that went upstairs came down and asked the person sitting next to me to come upstairs (he didn't go.)

I have no idea what happened, but I do know that some of the people who left to go upstairs I counted as friends, one in particular. She didn't say a word to me or even acknowledge my existence, not a hi or goodbye. I guess I am shy of a couple of friends now - for reasons unknown. WTF!

I will cry later -that's for sure! Some things really stink in life. Just because you get older doesn't mean that you understand your life. I clearly don't understand mine. Thus ends a day that started reasonably well, progressed nicely and turned to crap!

"The beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da"

Love,
Shel

Please!

No matter how much things seem to change, some things just stay the same ALWAYS! For some time I have felt like I was banging my head against the wall of life. I still feel that way. Maybe, this is the way life is supposed to be. Another constant is the contacts between my Ex and I. Even though I have met all my financial obligations there are what I feel are moral obligations. Our relationship fluctuates between cordial and hostile on her side. This week she wanted money and I helped out. She was all sweetness and light. This morning there was an early phone call and she wanted me to make a phone call to get some information (I always had to make the phone calls for some stupid reason.) I am leaving for the rest of the week and I told her I would do it next week. Her comment (sarcastically), "I'm glad YOU have a life because I don't." Sometimes I want to scream and other times I just want to cry.

If you have read this blog a while you can realize that I really don't have much of a life. I am just now trying to reclaim a life or discover a new life. I know she works a lot and is struggling financially, but she is the one that kicked me out of the house. She didn't care or check on me when I had cancer and all the complications. Now she cares what I do? Please!

Sorry for the rant, I needed to do that. You have a great week. I'm gone for a while, without computer. See you soon.

Love,
Shel