Σoφíα

For those of you that never took Greek, the title is the word Σoφíα (Sophia) which means wisdom. I used this title because I seem to have very little of this quality these days. I thought I knew what wisdom was, but I was just a little bit off. You see I thought it has something to do with being smart. It doesn't, it has to do with happiness. "Wisdom is an ideal that has been celebrated since antiquity as the knowledge needed to live a good life." Wisdom and happiness in life are something that continues to allude me. In analyzing just about everything about me I find that I am busy and active, but I really don't think I am really happy. I could look around to find someone to blame for this, but I really can't do this. If I could learn to be totally sufficient in myself maybe I could feel satisfied, but I am a social person. If I wasn't that way I would have long ago become a chemist. Yes, there was a time I was on my way to a Ph.D. in chemistry. I was kind of a chemistry prodigy, but I couldn't stand the very long isolated hours in the chemistry labs. Though I was getting straight "A's" I switched to an uncertain but more social future in Philosophy and eventually Theology(I still got "A's". I know it's disgusting.)

This all is just a lead up to the realization that I am unhappy. The reasons for this unhappiness are complicated, probably too complicated for here, but they are real. My realization of this unhappiness has been developing for a while. I thought that making myself busier would help. Well, I am busy as anything right now and the business just distracts me. It hasn't solved the problem. There is a quality of live issue. It is a bit beyond business or even meaningfulness.

I am not sure what to do about this. I started therapy a half a year ago and I am now only beginning to open up the problem. I am discovering the problem and I am no where near solving it. I very much at this point would like for things to be simple. I would like something to hang everything on, but I seems to not be any of the obvious things. Let me be clear the problem is clear to me but the cause is what is hard to know. For example, I feel so alone in spite of the fact that I am continually surrounded with people. I am also sad in spite of many reasons to be happy.

If I only had some wisdom!

Love,
Shel