Malaise

I am suffering from a kind of malaise (In everyday usage, malaise tends to mean feeling vaguely unwell, not having the energy to get up and do anything, or even just being lazy.) I am not really sure what it is all about, but there are several possibilities. The biggest suspect is sudden inactivity. I have been extremely busy since February with various projects. Last week the Gay and Lesbian Film Film Festival finished. Suddenly I don't have much left to do. The reality though is that I really don't have many structured things to do. I have things that need doing, but they require me to be self motivated and organized. This takes more effort. I guess I am like a lot of people and move toward things that require less effort. There are other reasons that are suspect, but I am unwilling to talk about them here.

So what am I doing? Simple things like doing the dishes and writing this. I have watched Movies for the past two days. Today I need to break the pattern and to move beyond the malaise. I my case I think that malaise tends more toward the lazy than to the sick. Though I may actually be a kind of sick but that's not for here.

The weather is grand so I think I need to walk, after I finish the dishes I think.

Love,
Shel

Chica Busca ......

I'm watching Jay Lenno. It's his next to last show on the Tonight show. I just came home from working at the CT Gay and Lesbian Film Festival held in Hartford. Tonight was a Lesbian night with Chica Busca Chica (Girl seeks Girl.) There are two more nights of the Festival. It's been an interesting process this year, selecting the films and doing the Festival. I am a very small part of the whole process and I have learned a lot.

The Film Festival is just one of the things I have done to make my life feel fuller or more meaningful. Film is an old love. I made films in graduate school a long time ago. Half of my Master's Thesis was a film. There were two copies of that film, but I think they both have been lost, alas. These are things you probably didn't know about me.

Oh, Billy Crystal is on Lenno. The weather has really been crappy. It's been damp and drizzly for several days. It has blended with my mood which has been damp and drizzly so the distraction of the Film Festival has been real good.

Keep warm and dry.

Love,
Shel

Bug?

This is just a quick post. I have a busy day ahead and hopefully I'll feel ok. Yesterday was a lost day. I got up early and had breakfast with my oldest son and then took him to work. Following that I went walking with a friend on some nearby walking trails.When I went home I began to just feel awful. I rarely get headaches, but yesterday I had one. I slept most of the day and missed the rest of what I had planned to do. I am not sure what was going on with me. The walk was warm, but I drank the whole time so I don't think I got dehydrated. The walk wasn't particularly strenuous. It may have been just a string of me being too busy or maybe I has some kind of bug. I still feel a small bit of head ache and this isn't usual.

As I look forward to today and the next week I may have planned too much, but I really think that I had a bug. There are other things rumbling around in my mind, but I will limit myself to this for now. Have a great day and a great weekend.

Love,
Shel

P-town

Here I am blogging live from the John Randall House in Provencetown. I have of course had too much to drink. So much the better! ugh, I really haven't had anything to drink in over a year. I am out of shape. I only had a few wines and I am really shot. The good side of things, I don't have to drive any where. The weather is crummy and there is really nothing happening tonight.

I wish I had something profound to say, but it is late and I am blitzed. I am very profoundly going to say g'nite!

Love.
Shel

Treckie

It's been a very domestic day for the most part. I did dishes and I did laundry. See, very domestic. I did also go to the Movies with three friends. It was a kind of interlude between my chores. We saw the new Star Trek movie. This was actually my second viewing of this movie, the first was with my oldest son on Sunday. I kind of like the movie. It took me a while to adjust to the new cast, but I think they did a good job. I am glad I saw it twice. There were things I missed the first time because the movie moves quite fast.

You must understand that I am a Treckie from way back. I once stayed up for a 24 hour Star Trek marathon. I taped the whole marathon. I guess my son caught the Treckie bug from me. Is it Treckie or Trecker? I can never keep it straight. The movie was a nice diversion from the necessities of life.

Ugh, I did loads and loads of laundry and there is still more to do. I can survive now, though, and I have cloths for my weekend trip to Provencetown. I'll leave the rest of the laundry for when I get back. Tomorrow I have a hair appointment and I have my T'ai Chi class.

My finger nails have gone to hell! I don't know what's going on with them. Certain nails have cracked and split. The only thing I can think of is that it is related to weight loss. I am loosing weight again. I notice that I was loosing some hair again in the shower this morning. I have been loosing 5 or 6 lbs a month since my last Lap-Band fill. I take all kinds of vitamin and mineral supplements. Life is truly interesting. Have a nice evening.

Love,
Shel

Jittery

I am doing a new thing for me. I am blogging from the Jitters Coffee house in Southington, CT. The blogging is taking place as the musician Rupert Wates is singing. This is made possible by my little Netbook computer and the wireless network at Jitters. I obviously have had too much coffee by this time, but that is really better than having had too much alcohol. Alcohol is a pleasure I don't do any more for all practical purposes. With the Lap-Band surgery, alcohol just hits me too hard and I have to drive home from here. Shirley, the owner, doesn't serve alcohol any way.

Try Jitters some time.Rupert Wates won't be here again for a while, but there will be musicians here every weekend.

Good night from Jitters Coffee house!

Love,
Shel

Nice Evening

It was a really nice meeting tonight. There was no drama and I really enjoyed myself. I was even able to eat something (small amount.) They had some stuffed sole rolls and I was able to eat one. It was very small. I also was able to have some of the vegetable mixture and a little of the pene. It was nice. I also had some nice conversations. There was no stress.

Driving home I had a good chance to think on some things. The fact is that I really only want and need to associate with people who like me. I think that I am not so bad as a person. I'm not perfect, but then who is? In spite of some not so good experiences this week, there have been some very good experiences. I mentioned that my food therapy group ended Monday, but I didn't mention that I got some really nice compliments at that meeting. I find it hard to hear compliments and accept them. Surprisingly, the speaker this evening spoke to that very trait. I have much to think about.

Tomorrow I hope to be able to go out and relax a bit with some friends in the evening. We do some simple things, talk, play darts (I'm fairly good), play pool(I suck at that) and talk some more. The main problem is the long drive. It makes for a late night, but it is pleasant (and I think I need that.)

Oh, before relaxing I have work to do. I have a business consulting job to do. It involves making an assessment of a web site proposal for a company I am consulting for. Yes, Shel is doing some computer consulting! This is for a Boston based company. Interesting stuff. I also need to work out my schedule for next week. It's one of those weeks with too much to do and not enough time.

Well it's getting late so good night.

Love,
Shel

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

I had a Doctor appointment first thing this morning. I was barely awake. Ironically, it was with my sleep Doctor. I am doing well with the CPAP. This is good, but truthfully I have used one of these devices for approximately 20 years. It has become a regular part of my life and sleep. Before I started using a CPAP I was walking through life as a sleep deprived zombie. The little machine literally gave me back my life 20 years ago. The reason for the ongoing visits to the sleep Doctor have to do with my constant weight loss (by design and the help of a Lap-Band). Sleep Apnea is often a weight sensitive condition. My Apnea has gotten less intense, but hasn't gone away. It may never go away since isn't always weight dependent. When I first started using the CPAP I wasn't real heavy.

The fun to come today is another kind of Doctor, Doctor of Dentistry. I am going to have a tooth crowned. I have a tooth that is mostly filling and is a great problem catching food. It will be crowned today to make the contours of the tooth more normal and to reduce the gaps between the teeth. This will be my second crown. I had one put in last year on a tooth that had broken years ago (now that REALLY caught food!) The procedure shouldn't be painful, but they will put a temporary cap in place and I will have to go back later for the permanent one. They will deaden my mouth with Novocaine or whatever they use. My last appointment I spent half a day feeling like I had a hole in my lower lip, distressing when you try to drink something.

I guess that is only two Doctors. The title should be "Doctor, Doctor" I guess. (chuckling to myself)

I'm loosing it, I think. Have a great day!

Love,
Shel

OMG!

I was driving on Interstate 84 today and I am totally amazed! I was driving about 20 miles over the speed limit and I was apparently going slow. Cars were passing me on the right and on the left and I wasn't passing anyone. When did such levels of speeding become so routine? Where were the State Police? They should have been stopping everyone on that highway, including me! I drove slower riding home. Seventy and above is just too fast. I am not old and poky, I just want to survive the journey.

When driving at reasonable speeds I often use the time to think. Even if I had a radio (remember it was stolen a week ago) I wouldn't turn it on. The only disturbance is the occasional comment from the GPS (I replaced it.) I started to lament the loss of a friend and I fear I was on the verge of tears. I have a number of friends, but few I would call really close and trusted. I thought she was close and trusted and we talked frequently; alas, no more. She isn't returning my calls and not calling me on her own. I really don't know why either. I thought things were better between us, I guess not. I can't think of what I might of done.

I have done some shopping to replace the stolen items. I now have a new GPS Garmin Nuvi 760, a new cd/FM radio (still not installed, and a chest of tools (most of which I am sure I will never use.) I also got some new computer equipment (not involved in the theft) that will be useful. I now have three computers. One (the one I am using now) with Vista Ultimate, one with Windows XP Professional, and one with Windows XP Home. The one with XP Home on it now I am considering putting Linux Ubuntu on. I want to get back into Linux. I have also thinking about putting Windows Server 2008 on the system with XP Professional. I need to ponder this a bit and do some experimenting.

I have been helping my youngest son with a computer project. It is nice to be able to work with him on something. Our relationship has been so difficult over the past few years.

I am on fluids today. I went to the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery and he did a fill. The fill just narrows the opening between the upper pouch of my stomach (made by the Lap=Band) and the lower stomach. This should help me restrict my food intake. My weight loss had slowed down and I want to loose at least another 50 lbs (yes, that much!) Even though I am a lot thinner, I was very overweight before. If I didn't have occasional back pain, I think I would feel great (and look great too.)

Today was a pretty good day as day's go. My visit to the Doctor was good; by the way, he is a charming man. If I were interested in men, he would be the sort I would like. I also went to T'ai Chi; it gives me such a feeling of calm and being centered. I hope you had a great day!

Love,
Shel

Perspective

I am sorry for the uncontrolled pessimism yesterday. I hope you all can appreciate my bad humor following the vandalizing of my car. I still am quite upset by it, but I have gained some perspective on the whole thing. To be more correct my bad feelings are no longer flowing over to everyone and everything that might be a slight annoyance to me. Worse things could have happened and what did happen only effects material things and my rather meager resources. I guess this is the way that life is structured.

I am staying home today since the center console is kind of hanging from the dash and the heating controls are on that console. The heating knob is actually missing. What use is that knob to anyone else? Taking that just is purely mean. I am getting over it though. Once I get estimates for insurance I should know more about how bad this will be financially. I suspect that insurance will not replace absolutely everything. I'm over it now. Life goes on.

I am now on to moving the monster of a piece of furniture I just put together into place. It is a kind of hutch. I need to make room for it first and then get some help moving it. When it is in place I can finish putting the doors and shelves in it. I will give me more storage. I am a pack rat. The real trick here will be to move the furniture into place without new injury to my back.

I am done for now. We are expecting more snow tonight and tomorrow. We had a little this morning. Have a good day.

Love, Shel

Wisdom

Wisdom tooth, that is! I lost one this morning. More correctly, the dentist removed one of mine this morning. I pretty much have all my own teeth with two exceptions. When I was 21 I had an impacted wisdom tooth in my lower jaw. It had to be removed because it was going to cause damage to my other teeth. The removal was an absolute nightmare. The tooth had to be sectioned and then removed. I was awake for the whole procedure. I couldn't move my jaw for days afterward and I ate soft boiled eggs, mashed potato and milk shakes for a week. I was 21!

Today, much older, I had the wisdom tooth in the upper jaw above that missing tooth removed. It was mostly because there was no tooth below to push against for all these years. The tooth was hyper extending and had a cavity in it. This one came out a lot easier, though I do feel a bit under the weather from the experience. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight because I have a very busy day tomorrow. I am usually pretty good with pain. There has been some, but with ice and pain medication I am doing pretty well.

I am going to have a short nap now, though. Have a good evening!

Love,
Shel

So much for.......

So much for not vomiting! I have had a two week vacation from throwing up. That ended tonight. It was my fault. I ate too much chicken and broccoli. I wasn't being careful as I ate. I was distracted. Nausea seems to pervade my existence these days. If it isn't nausea caused by eating improperly it's just my life that causes the nausea. One, the former, causes actual vomiting. The other, the latter, just causes discomfort and is caused by my insistence on thinking about "things." If only I could not think for a while!

I had a long ago broken tooth capped today. At least the process began. I have a temporary cap which will be replaced in three weeks. It is so different not having those jagged edges in my mouth! What a relief!

I also set an appointment for the bit of surgery I am going to have to correct a problem that has bothered me for three years. If all goes well I will be having that surgery December 1st. It's a Monday and I am thinking I will be out of commission mostly that week, but pretty much fine afterward. I probably won't be lifting much for a few weeks, but that is ok. That's pretty good placement, after Thanksgiving and before Christmas.

For some reason, I am retaining water today. It started yesterday and has continued all day. I can tell by the way my rings fit. It is the strangest thing, but it seems to happen to me monthly. I never had ovaries or a uterus so it's not that. I would be post menopause anyway. It's just strange. Tomorrow or the day after I will loose the fluid and the rings will fit looser.

While it is on my mind, Good-By Paul Newman, God Bless you and keep you. He seemed to live life with grace and dignity, making the lives of others a bit more pleasant and better.

You have a nice evening.

Love,
Shel

Shades of gray

I have been up and down in the past two days. Yesterday was a very affirming day. It was a very full day and it was full of very positive experiences. This morning I did two services and I think I preached quite well. I am exhausted now though since I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I got in late and had to be up very early.

For some reason, I am a bit down now. Nothing new specifically has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand it. I guess the emotions I have been experiencing kind of caught up to me today. I really don't know. Possibly it is the constant rain this weekend. One thing I do know that many things in life are in shades of gray. They are not black or white, yes or no, true or false. I think I would really like some things to be clear that really are not right now.

The good thing about yesterday is that I am working on making things different. Things will be slow, but I believe I will be a new and better person and possibly happier. I can't say I am happy now, in fact, I feel that a good cry would be appropriate. I am not really unhappy with myself, but with circumstances. I would like for something to work in my favor!

I know it sounds like poor me. I am sorry, but that is how I feel. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.

Love,
Shel

Day by Day

My mood and my perspective changes day by day. Today I had my hair done - that's always a plus. I helped my son with a little plumbing advise (my grandfather was a plumber and I learned a lot from him, but I hate it, believe me.) Later in the evening I had a good talk, very good. Life seems a little more positive. It's not perfect but at least tolerable.

All in all this was a much better day!

Love,
Shel

Teeth!

I had my first dental appointment in years today. It was a cleaning and full mouth exam. To say the least there is work to do! Next week I get the pleasure of having one of my molars capped. The tooth broke and a large filling fell out many years ago. Finally it will be fixed. There are cavities to fill and they seem to want to pull one of my wisdom teeth instead of filling the cavity. AT this moment I am only missing one of my teeth, a wisdom tooth that was impacted. I am not looking forward to having another wisdom tooth taken out. I need to think on this one. Teeth! You can't live with them and you don't want to live without them.

I guess I am lucky, though. Both my mother and father lost their teeth to gum disease. It's hell growing old, but I don't like the alternative. I could go on about age, but I think I will keep that one for a while.

I didn't visit my son and granddaughter today because they and my daughter-in-law (sort of) went to the big E. I have never been to the big E. One of these years I need to plan a trip there. I love fairs. I just need someone to go with. It would be a real downer going alone.

I am doing some work on my computer, so I will be off line until the changes are done. Have a good one.

Love,
Shel

Hard Day

It's been a difficult day. I am not sure why. Nothing new has happened. The weather wasn't even bad. Let's just say that I am looking for something in my life and not finding it and some days it really, really gets to me. Today it got to me. One of the problems is that I have no real routine to loose myself in. I am sure I have always had these kinds of days, but often I could escape in the routine of work. Most of my adult life I have worked and worked hard. It wasn't physical work, but it was always demanding. I usually worked very long hours. Not working is a novelty for me. When I was ill not working was ok. Now it isn't so great. I guess it might be great if I had the resources to travel. I don't have those resources, so today wasn't such a good day.

I was able to find a new therapist who takes my insurance. I haven't met her yet, but I am hopeful she will be helpful. The appointment is later in the week. As I look at my week, this is a week without a lot scheduled. I guess I am lonely and bored. The lonely thing I know already. I just don't know why it bothers me so much. It's all so so relative. My loneliness is a very deep one.

Enough, I am beginning to feel sorry for myself so I need a reality check. You be well.

Love,
Shel

Yesterday

Yesterday I did services in a church in the Northwestern corner of Connecticut. I therefore went for an early morning ride through the countryside. It is so beautiful! Though I did have a camera with me I really didn't take any time to take pictures and I am so sorry I didn't. I could have shared them with you. Connecticut at this time of year is so green. There is just the beginning of leaves turning so every once in a while there is unexpected color. It is clearly still Summer but it is certain Fall is just around the corner.

The services went well and my sermons seemed well received. The morning was a pretty sharp contrast to the confusion which has been part of my recent life. I have chronicled some of my current feelings recently, but clearly not all. Little moments of escape and clarity are so special. I really hope that you all have the opportunity for such refreshing moments.

Love,
Shel