Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Feeling better?

I kind of thought that I might feel a bit better after going to the therapist. Why do I feel so rotten then? I went in a pretty good mood and came away a bit depressed. Who can figure? I certainly can't.

My son and his spouse and my granddaughter will be moving to Arizona sometime in the beginning of November. I am really upset. I have been used to seeing my granddaughter weekly. I will probably only get to see her once or twice a year at most after they move. I will also miss my son. We talk frequently. It is another tough turn to my life. I am so worried for them. They both (my son and his spouse) are quitting their jobs and leaving without having jobs to go to. They will be staying with her parents, but there is a lot of uncertainty there.

Back to the therapist. I came to realize as we were talking that I have always thought like a woman. I always knew that I didn't fit as a man. As we were talking she mentioned some typical thought patterns that women have, I of course think that way. I have always thought that way. I just never associated those ways of thinking as being typically female. They have just been part of me always. I just assumed they were universal to both men and women because I was raised as a boy. It's a real insight for me to understand that I don't really understand what it was to be a man. My experience of being male was superficial and forced except for the purely physical. Mentally I have always been who I am now and that is female.

Years back when I began to live full time as female the switch seemed almost too easy and everything seemed natural. I am beginning to understand why now. That's all from a casual bit of conversation with the therapist. It's certainly not why I feel down. I have many things to think on and much to do in reclaiming my life.

You be well.


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