Monday, October 27, 2008

What can I say?

What can I say? I am feeling real down. My son and family are moving this week to Arizona. They will be taking my granddaughter with them of course which means I will not be seeing her much. It's a real long drive to Arizona! I have been sitting here being really depressed and now I am crying. I know crying doesn't solve anything, but I can't seem to prevent it. So much has happened recently and now this. I don't know how to handle this. Maybe it's all the loss in the past few years, but knowing that doesn't help at all. It's all welling up into a huge feeling of uselessness. I have been sitting at home for two days just paralyzed. I feel like everything is out of control and life is spinning off somewhere.

I am in fact tired of writing these kind of entries in my blog. Shouldn't something get a bit better sometime soon? Well tomorrow I will be seeing my granddaughter and son and his spouse and I feel I need to put on a strong appearance. I am really not sure I can do that but maybe I can avoid falling apart totally. It is strange because I was always the one who was supposed to be strong in all circumstances. I am afraid I can no longer live up to those expectations. I am who I am and I have both strength and weakness. It is unfortunate that in the past I felt that I could only be strong. I know better now.

I need to stop now. The screen is blurry through the tears so I will stop and just get it out of my system. There will be more later.


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