Monday, October 06, 2008

In the In and Out the Out

If you've checked my Blog in the past two or so months, you know that I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. It has been very hard to explain exactly what has been happening, but the short of it is that I have been in the process of reclaiming my life. Possibly it would be better put that I am trying to build myself a new life. This would be a very difficult thing to do if I was a young person, but I am a mature woman. I have always embraced change in my life but I am finding this very difficult. All of the old rules are gone now and there is a complete set of new rules, gender rules and age rules. I really fail to see how being young or being old is relevant to almost anything. Since when is it bad to be experienced? Yet, look for a job in the computer industry and be over 55 and see what your experience counts! (sorry about that)

I think that anyone has trouble adjusting after Cancer or after Divorce or after great weight loss or a gender change. Any one of those things can be huge in a person's life. I have undergone all of those things in the last six years. Just thinking about it all makes my head swim, yet I am hopeful. I have survived the cancer and the divorce and the gender change and now the weight loss (though that continues.) It is the new life that I am struggling with. How do I find meaning and purpose in my life? How do I find new relationships that will help sustain me? These are my struggles. I may not always give the details, but please know the struggles are genuine. This is all complicate by the fact that I am not a person who has ever been able to be casual about almost anything I ever did. I find disappointments and rejections hard to handle, and there have been many.

Yes my life is tough right now. I don't intend to let it defeat me, though. Yes, I get down and it gets reflected here, but I am not out. My father is 97 and going strong. He did not survive so long and so well by letting life defeat him. Maybe I can look forward to another thirty years of a full life!

Peace and Love,

PS: the title is a little private joke, between me, myself and I.

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