Quandary

Quandary- Noun
a situation in which it is difficult to decide what to do; predicament; dilemma [origin unknown]

Many things are currently right at the surface of my consciousness. I have some time since I am tied down doing laundry. I'm going to write more about my current life. If you are not a transgender person then you may have a great deal of difficulty in appreciating some of my present problems. In some ways my problems are very much like many people's problems with one great big complication. I was born with a male body. I state it that way, because I have now accepted the fact that my mind has always been female. This conflict between mind and body is a really difficult one.

When I was a child my parents and those around me could not see into my mind, but they could see my body. I was raised as a boy. There wasn't a lot of understanding or acceptance of this situation sixty years ago. My parents were wonderful to me and my father still is (unfortunately my mother is dead now.) I can't say that I was overly punished or chastised or even suppressed by them. If anything, it was other children (playmates and schoolmates) that were tough on me. I have always learned and adapted well and I learned what to do to prevent being tormented. I did soon learn though that boys shouldn't feel like or act like girls. I tried to make myself into a conventional boy. Unfortunately, that really doesn't work very well. Expressions of the female broke through periodically with varying intensity. I mostly was able to hide what I looked on as my shame very well. There were very few mistakes.

Everyone thought I was a conventional boy and later a man. I had even managed to convince myself of that fact. When boy - girl interactions began happening I wanted to be with girls. I liked girls and later loved girls and then women. I was never attracted to men (sorry guys.) I married, had children but always in the background there was this knowledge that my life and body were very wrong. I denied the situation to myself and felt shame and guilt and above all I suppressed. To top it all I am a priest and have been one for many years. It turns out that you can only suppress for so long and then bad things happen. I put on weight, felt depressed, and let relationship matters slip. It all exploded and within two years of exploding I went from a hetero man to a lesbian female. The physical and living change was complete. A very quick and total change of life like that is tough to manage, tough to live and I am finding now takes a very long time to fully finish.

In my life, this all was complicated by the fact I developed cancer and then other physical problems. I also found that the people around me who were supposed to be the closest and most supportive rejected me. I have to say that my father was great from the first moment he knew. My long term spouse, some of my children, my employer and some of the people in the churches I served were not at all accepting or supportive.

I know that I had mostly suppressed any sexual urges I might have had and most feelings and needs for intimacy except friendship. I think I had reached a place in life where any more rejection would have been intolerable. I am now a distance from those events and I think the need to keep everyone at a distance. I may be ready for something new, but truthfully I am clueless and clumsy. Gracefulness is something I still need to learn more of. I also don't know how to moderate my feelings. It seems that I am either open or closed. I don't know how to filter my emotions and I certainly don't understand what I need to do to fix things.

I had a wonderful surgeon and I am capable of most physical things a woman can experience (except for having a baby of course.) That said, my biggest need isn't for sex but for intimacy and companionship. Friends can help with the companionship but intimacy is a much deeper thing. As a consequence of my weight loss surgery and program I have become aware of the fact that I may have a personality type that tends to convert all relationships to friendships. If that is true then I am in for a very tough journey indeed. Added to this all is the fact that I have never been able to have casual relationships. When I was young I really didn't date. I met women and developed relations with them and then more developed. My spouse was one of the few I actually dated.

The quandary is trying to move off of dead center and to live with feelings I had suppressed. Feelings I suppressed enough to be very powerful last week.

I know this has been long. It has been therapeutic for me though. I have been told that I over analyze things. Actually I think what was said was "You think too much!" I resemble thinking too much.

Peace and Love,
Shel