Flux and Flex

It is really difficult to describe how I feel at this moment. The past two weeks have been extraordinarily stressful and emotional for me. I am sure that I cannot and probably should not describe every detail. In the last post I tried to relay some of the things that have been on my mind and in my feelings. Tonight I am at home with nothing particular to do. It is a rather unusual situation for me these days, but I guess I am OK with it. In the last week I have discussed my life with several friends in various detail. Some things I have really kept to myself, but the sorts of things I have put up here have been discussed.

I am not sure that there is a clear path for me. Most of my friends seem to think that things will become clear to me with a little time. They may be right. Some of my realizations are very new and fresh. I certainly need to explore my physical limitations before jumping into things that might be more than I can handle. Other aspects of my life are still pretty much in flux. Many of the friends I have been talking to are outside the LGBT community and I have been getting a fresh look at things and myself because of that. My emotions are calming down also.

Just think of me as having gone through two weeks of craziness. I wasn't crazy of course, but I was very distracted and at times emotional. I am calmer now though little has really changed. Some of what has been going on I have absolutely no control over. I realize that there are things and situations that are out of my control. Getting distraught over those things will accomplish little.

I do believe that following this weekend I will be attempting to do some new things. there are things I have put off and a few things that I have just avoided. I need to see some Doctors. That may sound strange, but I still have some issues that may need resolving. I really need to see my urologist. I have a long history of kidney stones. I need to see a dermatologist. I have a large area of skin discoloration. It isn't cancer, but there might be something that can be done to make the area look better. I really need to see a dentist! I have dental insurance at long last and I know I have two broken teeth. There are other things I want to explore also. I am in addition planning to go into group therapy for the weight thing. I fully understand that I was heavy for a reason. I really don't want to ever be heavy again! I want to continue to loose weight and feel better and look better. Emotions and excessive weight are a package I think. I guess I have a lot to do.

I also want to explore what I might do to be more than a blob on the couch. Visiting doctors can be time consuming, but it isn't very fulfilling. I have work to do. Life happens, but I am tired of feeling like it has been happening to me and dumping on me.

You might have figured out the Flux in the title but what is the Flex? Simple, the weight group therapy is called the Flex Group.

Until next time my Love and God's Peace,
Shel

Quandary

Quandary- Noun
a situation in which it is difficult to decide what to do; predicament; dilemma [origin unknown]

Many things are currently right at the surface of my consciousness. I have some time since I am tied down doing laundry. I'm going to write more about my current life. If you are not a transgender person then you may have a great deal of difficulty in appreciating some of my present problems. In some ways my problems are very much like many people's problems with one great big complication. I was born with a male body. I state it that way, because I have now accepted the fact that my mind has always been female. This conflict between mind and body is a really difficult one.

When I was a child my parents and those around me could not see into my mind, but they could see my body. I was raised as a boy. There wasn't a lot of understanding or acceptance of this situation sixty years ago. My parents were wonderful to me and my father still is (unfortunately my mother is dead now.) I can't say that I was overly punished or chastised or even suppressed by them. If anything, it was other children (playmates and schoolmates) that were tough on me. I have always learned and adapted well and I learned what to do to prevent being tormented. I did soon learn though that boys shouldn't feel like or act like girls. I tried to make myself into a conventional boy. Unfortunately, that really doesn't work very well. Expressions of the female broke through periodically with varying intensity. I mostly was able to hide what I looked on as my shame very well. There were very few mistakes.

Everyone thought I was a conventional boy and later a man. I had even managed to convince myself of that fact. When boy - girl interactions began happening I wanted to be with girls. I liked girls and later loved girls and then women. I was never attracted to men (sorry guys.) I married, had children but always in the background there was this knowledge that my life and body were very wrong. I denied the situation to myself and felt shame and guilt and above all I suppressed. To top it all I am a priest and have been one for many years. It turns out that you can only suppress for so long and then bad things happen. I put on weight, felt depressed, and let relationship matters slip. It all exploded and within two years of exploding I went from a hetero man to a lesbian female. The physical and living change was complete. A very quick and total change of life like that is tough to manage, tough to live and I am finding now takes a very long time to fully finish.

In my life, this all was complicated by the fact I developed cancer and then other physical problems. I also found that the people around me who were supposed to be the closest and most supportive rejected me. I have to say that my father was great from the first moment he knew. My long term spouse, some of my children, my employer and some of the people in the churches I served were not at all accepting or supportive.

I know that I had mostly suppressed any sexual urges I might have had and most feelings and needs for intimacy except friendship. I think I had reached a place in life where any more rejection would have been intolerable. I am now a distance from those events and I think the need to keep everyone at a distance. I may be ready for something new, but truthfully I am clueless and clumsy. Gracefulness is something I still need to learn more of. I also don't know how to moderate my feelings. It seems that I am either open or closed. I don't know how to filter my emotions and I certainly don't understand what I need to do to fix things.

I had a wonderful surgeon and I am capable of most physical things a woman can experience (except for having a baby of course.) That said, my biggest need isn't for sex but for intimacy and companionship. Friends can help with the companionship but intimacy is a much deeper thing. As a consequence of my weight loss surgery and program I have become aware of the fact that I may have a personality type that tends to convert all relationships to friendships. If that is true then I am in for a very tough journey indeed. Added to this all is the fact that I have never been able to have casual relationships. When I was young I really didn't date. I met women and developed relations with them and then more developed. My spouse was one of the few I actually dated.

The quandary is trying to move off of dead center and to live with feelings I had suppressed. Feelings I suppressed enough to be very powerful last week.

I know this has been long. It has been therapeutic for me though. I have been told that I over analyze things. Actually I think what was said was "You think too much!" I resemble thinking too much.

Peace and Love,
Shel

All is not.....

All is not what it seems very often. My life has moved from a very staid and straightforward one to a very uncertain and somewhat precarious one. In the process I have been very sick and healed. For much of my life I appeared to be one thing while I was actually another. I am now largely conformed so my inner self matches my outer self. That is a wonderful thing, but really does bring with it new problems. Before most of my difficulties were inner struggles with myself. Now I struggle with life issues that are long ago settled in most lives. These issues aren't different from the ones anyone else has. I struggle with aloneness. I am not closeted or a hermit (God forbid) but I often do feel very alone. My children and I live apart now(they are grown adults)and I live with friends. In one way I am surrounded with people all the time, but in another I am alone.

Enough of my junk for the moment. I had my hair done this morning, always an upper, and I bought a new pair of glasses. It will take about 10 days for them to arrive. They are much like my current ones, but of course the prescription will be different. I have at last succumbed to multiple vision glasses(not bifocals but the progressive lenses.) They are more expensive but it is only money(snicker.)

I managed to get some sleep last night. The previous night was mostly sleepless so the sleep was very welcome. Nothing has really changed in my life I am just too exhausted to write about things much more.

You take care.
Love,
Shel

I'm Alive!

I know it's a strange title, but I really should have no expectation of being alive. Four years ago today I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. I have survived four years and I am truly thankful. It has been a tough four years, though, in many ways. I often obsess over what probably are minor things, but being alive is a big thing. Several things make me acutely aware of this landmark. Tony Snow, the former press secretary of the President just died of just the same disease. I never agreed with the man's point of view or much of his work, but it is clear he fought for life and lost to cancer. I have to respect that.

Another thing that brings things to mind is my recent visit to my oncologist. The visit was routine with nothing remarkable. That in itself is remarkable to me and I suspect pleasing to the Doctor. He works in a field where all too many of his patients die. That was made very clear to me while I was receiving chemotherapy. I went in one day and there wasn't the usual crowd. I asked my nurse about it and she made it clear that some of the patients hadn't made it. Life and death are so closely entwined. Life is so precious and death so seemingly close at times.In any case, I am glad to still be here.

I have much more to say, but not at this time. The short of it is that I have made some discoveries about myself, but I'll need to deal with that another time. Please be well, stay well and love your life.

Love,
Shel