ΑΓΧΟΣ

As usual I am approaching the unapproachable in a back-handed way. The title (άγχος) of this blog post should keep you guessing a bit. One hint, it is Greek. I have been feeling some very unpleasant feelings recently. Though many things have been going very well indeed, not everything is great. I really wish I felt free to explain everything, but I fear that that would cause me more distress than it would be worth. In short I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for a very long time. I think the question becomes how long before I feel I have put myself through the head banging enough and stop. I doubt that life will resolve itself in any other way.

The toll of my distress is that I occasionally feel nauseous and like I want to burst out in tears. I also occasionally feel like I obsess and I may be doing just that at this moment. If only things would work out the way I want! Of course they don't often work that way. They usually work out in unexpected ways. So much for the vagueness of my life. Life seemed so much simpler ten years ago. Things were duller, but definitely simpler. On second thought nothing in my life has been simple.

Aside from my weird inner feelings, things have gone well. I took two trips to Provencetown, MA this past month with a friend. It had been a long time since I had been there (it seems like in a different life.) I had a wonderful time. I have been loosing weight, and learning some hard lessons about the lap-band. If I am careless about eating I pay severely for the mistake. If I am careful and deliberate then things work out well. I am currently able to eat most everything. There are still, and may always be some foods that I need to avoid. Bread in almost all forms (even toast) has been very difficult and I do not plan to eat corn or rice any time soon. I have yet to eat steak, but that may be coming up. I just need to treat myself sometime soon to a good cut of steak. One thing that is very nice is that overall I am feeling better. I have better endurance and I almost feel human.

Later this week I visit my oncologist (cancer Doctor.) I will then get the report on the CAT scan performed in March. I do not expect anything bad, since I am sure I would have heard something before this.

By the way, άγχος n. (ánchos)-- anxiety, stress, emotional pressure.

Love to all,
Shel

Bad Blogger

I know I have been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in a while. I have been relatively busy, but the real reason is that I just didn't feel like Blogging. I have been trying to deal with some personal issues and I would dearly love to blog some of them just to get it out, but discretion dictates that I don't. Sometimes the things that are internal issues don't really need to be public. I know that this leaves everyone in the dark, but that's the way it must be.

We had a severe thunder storm this afternoon and a huge limb broke of the tree in the front. It covers most of the front yard and half of the street. We were very lucky that no cars were damaged. It came close to one of them.


I hope to be more regular in blogging, but I can't promise. By the way, I am still loosing weight. I have a long way still to go, but I am feeling better. Wish me well in working through my personal crap.

Love,
Shel

Another Quickie

Later Today I will be going for a fill on the Lap-Band. This will restrict the flow of food from the upper pouch to the rest of the stomach. I really don't know what to expect. I am guessing I will get full quicker and will stay that way a bit longer. I'll let you know. Food goes down pretty easy right now. I still can't eat great quantities, but I am guessing I will be able to eat less. The less I eat, the more weight I loose! That's a good thing! Yeah!

Love,
Shel

Happy un Mother's Day

I didn't post anything on Mother's Day. I didn't ignore it and it didn't slip by me. I just have a bit of trouble with Mother's day and it is all personal. First of all I wish all mother's all the best and I hope their day was great. My problems are two fold. First, my mother is dead and that make me extremely sad. I am denied the pleasure of celebrating with her. She had been gone for 22 years now and truth be known I miss her greatly. I know nothing can be done about this, but it contributes to my sadness on Mother's day. The second is a bit more difficult to explain. I have three sons and a grand daughter, but not even a call on Mother's day. Now my sons still look to me to be their father and I fully understand their reluctance to see me as a mother. The sad thing is that, come Father's day the same thing will happen (at least it has in the past.) I am sure the ambiguity of my strange existence (starting life as a boy and now living it as a woman) accounts for this. I can't say that I blame them much (at least they do still love me.) I am sad that I totally miss out on the experience of Mother's Day or even Father's day. I said that this one would be hard to understand. At least I tried to explain. To all the Trans women who have children I wish you a very happy Wednesday after Mother's Day (un Mother's Day!)

To my family, thanks for being there and I love you. To everyone, have a great day!

Love,
Shel

A Petition

On the Task Force, named as Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders Chair, we find Dr. Kenneth Zucker, from Toronto infamous Centre for Addictions and Mental Health (CAMH, formerly the Clarke Institute). Dr. Zucker is infamous for utilizing reparative therapy to Ccure gender-variant children. Named to his work group, we find Zuckers mentor, Dr. Ray Blanchard, Head of Clinical Sexology Services at CAMH and creator of the theory of autogynephilia, categorized as a paraphilia and defined as man paraphilic tendency to be sexually aroused by the thought or image of himself as a woman.
Also Dr Ann Lawrence, a supporter of his JUNK SCIENCE.. is understood to be in consideration as an alternate member.

We, the undersigned hereby object to their inclusion on this committee, and object to the hurtful theories they promote.
In order to have any credibility in the field of gender identity, the DSM must not include discounted theories or junk science.
We ask that they be removed at once as members. Please sign the Petition here.

More Follow-up

I am really sorry to be so lax at blogging! There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, everything is going well. I have been busy. I visited a friend in Massachusetts last weekend and there has just been one thing after another. Yes, I am mostly healed. Yes, I am loosing weight. No I can't eat much (what a surprise!) I am gradually moving toward more normal food. I can now eat soft regular food. I have been enjoying flaky fish like cod and thin cut ham and turkey. I eat vegetables now if they are soft cooked and I drink lots of water. I have already shrunk out of some of my cloths and into some of the smaller cloths I couldn't wear. In short, I am well.

By the way, the picture is a picture of a lap-band, in case you were curious.

Have a great day.

Love,
Shel

Follow up

Just to fill in anyone who is interested, I went to the Doctor's Friday and I am doing very well. He moved my diet up to level 4, which means that I now get to eat pured foods (yes, baby food.) The link is to a web site that gives something close to my diet. It isn't the one from my Dr. The good news is that I had lost 23 pounds as of Friday. I am of course consuming very little. The average meal is 1/4 cup. The curious thing is that I really don't feel what you would call hunger. I miss eating things. It is hard to watch others consume pizza and steak and not participate, but I knew that this would be the case when I went into this. I will eventually be able to eat more conventional foods (even the steak), but I am still healing. this is the reason for the staged diet afterward. Bad things can happen if the diet isn't followed, so I comply.

I have been going through some very intense emotional swings. I am not really sure what it is all about. I am sure eating filled a void in my life. Possibly now that eating is less prominent I need to deal with that void. I have seen my ex more that I used to, just because we both visit my son and granddaughter. The visit is usually pleasant, but recently she has seemed resentful (more than usual.) My youngest son often seems to be the catalyst for her resentment. If things get worse, I will have to visit when she doesn't I guess.

Right now I am dealing with diet and attempting to be as active as possible. I am also trying to be as positive as possible (which has been difficult with the mood swings.) I try any way. One helpful thing is that the sun is shining and temperatures are coming up as are the flowers.

You have a bright day.

Love,
Shel