Dear Diary

I seem to have emotional difficulties at rather odd time and at times when there has been nothing in particular to trigger the difficulty.My emotional difficulty these days is pretty much feeling down in the dumps. I go far enough down to feel like crying at times. Though my life in general has been getting better some things haven't improved much at all. I still feel a great lack inside. I have been so busy that I don't often think about this, but strangely it comes up while I am driving from place to place. I guess that while driving I am alone with time to think. This is somewhat true but I tend to think of a great deal of things while driving plus I listen to audio books. I guess that in a very deep level I am lonely, lonely in a way that superficial socialization doesn't solve. I am it seems always busy or surrounded by people and driving is one of the few times I am truly alone.

I think that this is all a consequence of spending 31 years of my life committed to a relationship with a person who was less committed to me than I was to her. I look back and I can see that my own insecurities lead me ignore problems and to settle for a relationship that wasn't stable. I still seem to be more committed to that relationship that I should be. I always respond to her need for money even when I really don't have the money to give. I get nothing back from her. It is a pattern in my life. I give and give and often without any thought of receiving, but eventually that becomes draining. I think that I am becoming drained emotionally. I guess that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of things. I know this sounds a bit like I am feeling sorry for myself but I really am trying to analyze my current mood. I after all have no expectation that my ex will ever be different than she is, nor do I really want to be deeply involved with her again. I would like very much to avoid repeating my previous mistakes. I don't know if I have another 30 years to waste.

I never was very much into the diary thing or journaling. This Blog has been the closest thing to a diary I have maintained for a sustained period of time. I am though starting a therapy group to deal with the reasons behind my eating (that is eating in excess of what is needed for sustenance.) It is clear that I will be doing a great deal of journaling for the group. It will be hard work, but nothing that is worthwhile is really easy. Right now the group consists of the leader who is a man and 10 women. That's a large therapy group. I am impressed that the leader is willing to take on this group with me in it. I after all bring a very peculiar set of life experiences to the mix. I am sure that my gender history is closely related to my eating problems and that everything will be known to the group. Unfortunately, I will not be able to say to much about the group because we all have agreed to confidentiality. I can say things about myself as long as I don't reveal anything about anyone else in the group.

It's late and I am getting tired and I can't really remember everything I wanted to mention. I'll need to end now. Keep warm and be well.
Love,
Shel

Strings and things

Just as I think I might have a grasp on Quantum Physics it begins to look like theoretical physics is moving toward a form of string theory. My head is swimming! Quantum theory introduced a kind of craziness to understanding the universe. String theory is just hard to grasp. As I am getting it the most current theory is now being called "M" theory. It is a form of super string theory with 11 dimensions. That is 10 spacial dimensions and one time dimension. A string is the fundamental substance of the universe and everything is differentiated by string vibrations. This is where I thought I understood things. Now they seem to have added membranes and folded spacial dimensions to the theory and I am quite lost. It's going to take me a while. I haven't quite finished the first book and I have a second book to read. Maybe with two perspectives I might get a glimmer.

An interesting thing happened just before Christmas. I was contacted via email by someone I knew in High School. I of course have made quite a transition in my life since then, but we still have exchanged a few more emails. It is quite interesting to learn how her life has been. It is quite unexpected and pleasant.

I actually have a consulting customer. This is a good thing. It is an individual that wants some help with a backup strategy and help organizing her system. there a few other things she wants done. I am looking forward to doing the work.

Sunday is my last scheduled church job. I have greatly enjoyed preaching every Sunday for a while. I know that sounds a little strange, but I enjoy preaching. I look at it as a form of dialogue and an opportunity to teach. The more I enjoy preaching the better the response is from the congregation.

We have had a break in the weather. It has been a little warmer, but the cold is coming back this week. The snow has stopped though. I think I will have had my fill of Winter for a while when Spring comes.

I watched Barach Obama become President Tuesday. We had a kind of party at the house for the Inauguration. I look to his administration with great hope. It disgusts me that there are some who are looking for him to fail. I think if he fails we all fail and those who want him to fail also want America to fail.

I know that this is all disjointed and fragmented. I hope it has made some sense. I wish you Peace and as always my Love,
Shel

Catch Up

Wow! I am sorry I haven't been posting. I have been busy, mostly doing nothing. It's not much of an excuse. Actually it seems that everything has been catching up on me. There are nights that I have three places to be at exactly the same time.

I have also been fretting over my father. He is in Georgia for three months and I now find out that he had to go to the hospital this past week. He was dehydrated. He is an old man at 97, but he has been independent. His friends he is visiting took car of him, but he is now a long way away from me. I worry. I am an only child. My mother died twenty years ago and my father has been great to me.

It has been cold! So cold! I have been walking around with multiple layers of clothing on. I bought new heavy gloves, the kind skiers use. What was once snow is now packed and icy. It's time for some warmth!

This past week I had two Doctor appointments. My family Doctor is checking my blood chemistry for my cholesterol and sugar. Both things have been extremely good. That appointment went well. I also saw my oncologist (cancer Doctor). It has been 4.5 years since my cancer was discovered and removed. I will have a CAT scan again in March and if everything is OK I guess I will be see him only yearly after that. This is all good. I was not expecting anything different, but confirmation is a good thing.

Everything that was done in December is healing well. The surgery has healed and there is no pain and the tooth has healed over. There is kind of a hole where the tooth was that occasionally catches food, but it is easy to clean. All is good there.

My personal life has been sort of uneventful. My friend and I have made up and are talking once again and that is good. The son who moved to Arizona has now bought a video camera for his computer. We can now do video conferencing. The Internet is a marvelous thing! I remember the early days of the Internet and I thought it was great to be able to exchange email. So much more is done now!

Peace for now,
Love,
Shel

Miss Cellany

It's been a very unusual day today. First I went to pick up a few groceries. What a mistake! It seems that today marked the end of the world or something like it. The market was packed! I had trouble finding a parking place. It seems that snow was predicted...... The whole world ends if there is snow I guess. I did find what I needed. There seemed to be a run on hummus though, strange.

When I got home one of my house mates daughters brought her computer over. It had a rather nasty sort of spyware on it. I spent most of the rest of the day fixing the system. I was supposed to go to a meeting in Hartford, but never made it there. The snow did finally arrive. I haven't noticed the end of the world though.

You might have noticed that I removed the music. All three of the poll responses were to remove it and always seeking to please I removed the music. If you really need to hear my choice in music you can go to my myspace site.

Not a lot has happened since my last post. Life is neither better or worse I think. My surgery has healed quite well as has the spot where my wisdom tooth was. My 97 year old father went to southern Georgia for the rest of the winter and I have had Sunday services since Christmas. I guess I have been busy.

I will be starting a 12 week group therapy at the end of the month to help me learn more about why I got so heavy. Hopefully I will be able to keep this weight off now. I am well aware that surgery isn't magic and I need to still be proactive in my weight loss and finally maintenance.

There is more, but I am not really ready to share all today and some things are yet to be known. I have been back to reading theoretical Physics again so expect strange ideas as quantum thinking begins to rub off on me. The question of the day is "why do I stink so bad at pool?"

Keep warm. It is snowing outside.

Love,
Shel