Too much....

There is almost too much to talk about. I don't know where to begin. I have been really busy all week and many things have been rolling through my brain these days. I started Tai Chi classes this week. I have always wanted to take Tai Chi up as a kind of meditation/discipline. I had the opportunity and certainly I have the time. I have also been walking much more. With the tremendous weight loss I feel so much better physically. I am now trying to put things right emotionally.

Emotions have been tough, though, I must admit. I find I have a great need for close relationships and affection. That is just the sort of thing that seems to be unavailable to me. Of course I make what turn out to be bad decisions on who I like. I did go out dancing last weekend. Dancing is great and with the weight loss I can dance once again without injuring myself. I've also learned to play darts in a bar. That's a very new thing to me. I never really played darts before. Guess what? I'm pretty good at it.

I have left out so much. Maybe that's a good thing. I probably would get myself in trouble saying more, maybe not. In any case I am ending here for now.

Peace and my love,
Shel

Good-bys again

Yesterday I said good-bye to my son, his spouse and my granddaughter for a final time. My son left today in a moving truck along with his younger brother. They are headed for Arizona. His spouse and my granddaughter leave tomorrow for Arizona by plane. It was a sad parting, and yes I cried. They begin a new chapter in their lives. I will certainly miss them. With the internet and pervasive phones they will still be available, but it won't be the same.

Many years ago my ex partner and I left on a similar adventure. We moved to Lawrence, Kansas where I was the Episcopal Chaplain. I guess I now know how my parents felt.

Keep the travelers in your prayers.

Love,
Shel

The Picture

I am sorry, but I now feel the need to remove my picture. I have had one on this blog for quite some time, but there are reasons that I now need to remove it. I will look for some kind of replacement, but for now the blog shall go unadorned.

A comment on my current life. I have been going through some profound emotional changes. Some of the time I have felt very much alone, but I can assure you all that I have some very good and close friends. They have have been great for the most part. The truth of the matter is that I am trying to make a new place for myself in the world. I have not explained everything that I have been doing. Unfortunately I have written about some of the more painful times and less of the very good times. I really hope to turn this trend around and be more positive. My life has been filled with very good things as well as the difficult.

There will be more.

Love,
Shel

Good-bye's

I had a very nice visit today with my family. It was nice but very sad, since they will be moving very soon. I am trying to deal with things, but my emotional state hasn't been the best recently which makes this even harder. I am suddenly feeling very alone. It is a convergence of many things, some I have detailed here, but others I haven't (and probably won't.) I feel very isolated. The son who is leaving for Arizona is the one I most easily talk to and I will greatly miss him. Some other things don't seem to be working out very well also for reasons that are not really know to me. Things go up and down so fast and I am really not used to much emotional turmoil in my life.

I guess I just need to continue on as best I can and hope that life will take a better turn soon. It's ironic that I am feeling better physically, but am now falling apart emotionally. I am due for a couple of good years. The last six or seven have been very tough.

I hope your day has been great.
Love,
Shel

What can I say?

What can I say? I am feeling real down. My son and family are moving this week to Arizona. They will be taking my granddaughter with them of course which means I will not be seeing her much. It's a real long drive to Arizona! I have been sitting here being really depressed and now I am crying. I know crying doesn't solve anything, but I can't seem to prevent it. So much has happened recently and now this. I don't know how to handle this. Maybe it's all the loss in the past few years, but knowing that doesn't help at all. It's all welling up into a huge feeling of uselessness. I have been sitting at home for two days just paralyzed. I feel like everything is out of control and life is spinning off somewhere.

I am in fact tired of writing these kind of entries in my blog. Shouldn't something get a bit better sometime soon? Well tomorrow I will be seeing my granddaughter and son and his spouse and I feel I need to put on a strong appearance. I am really not sure I can do that but maybe I can avoid falling apart totally. It is strange because I was always the one who was supposed to be strong in all circumstances. I am afraid I can no longer live up to those expectations. I am who I am and I have both strength and weakness. It is unfortunate that in the past I felt that I could only be strong. I know better now.

I need to stop now. The screen is blurry through the tears so I will stop and just get it out of my system. There will be more later.

Love,
Shel

Please!

No matter how much things seem to change, some things just stay the same ALWAYS! For some time I have felt like I was banging my head against the wall of life. I still feel that way. Maybe, this is the way life is supposed to be. Another constant is the contacts between my Ex and I. Even though I have met all my financial obligations there are what I feel are moral obligations. Our relationship fluctuates between cordial and hostile on her side. This week she wanted money and I helped out. She was all sweetness and light. This morning there was an early phone call and she wanted me to make a phone call to get some information (I always had to make the phone calls for some stupid reason.) I am leaving for the rest of the week and I told her I would do it next week. Her comment (sarcastically), "I'm glad YOU have a life because I don't." Sometimes I want to scream and other times I just want to cry.

If you have read this blog a while you can realize that I really don't have much of a life. I am just now trying to reclaim a life or discover a new life. I know she works a lot and is struggling financially, but she is the one that kicked me out of the house. She didn't care or check on me when I had cancer and all the complications. Now she cares what I do? Please!

Sorry for the rant, I needed to do that. You have a great week. I'm gone for a while, without computer. See you soon.

Love,
Shel

The great Fizzle

Sometimes I just feel so discouraged. It is hard to put my finger on the some of the specifics, but there are times when it just seems that no matter what I do I just don't get any place. Maybe it has to do with the hard years I have experienced or maybe I am just tired and moody. I just get the feeling that I am never going to get out of the rut I am in. Whenever something begins to look up it seems that the same thing comes crashing down a short while later. It's so frustrating!

Maybe I should become a cloistered nun somewhere. Life would be the same each day and there would be no hopes or expectations to deal with. Now whenever there seems to be hope of something new and maybe better it fizzles (Is that really a word?)

This has been one very long day. I had three services to do today. I woke up an hour before my alarm went off and couldn't get back to sleep. I came home about 2:30 pm and fell asleep for a short while in the chair. I woke up still feeling tired. Then the possible plans for later in the day fell apart and I am not really sure why.

Tomorrow I need to do laundry. I am going to Provencetown for Women's week later this week. There is just so much to do getting ready and I only have tomorrow to do it. Tuesday is crammed full of things, a visit to my Gynecologist and then later spend some time with my Granddaughter and then a reunion of sorts at the Seminary. The one thing I really want to do I won't be doing (though I really do want to spend time with my granddaughter before she moves.)

A good thing has happened in this state (Connecticut). The State Supreme Court has decided that same sex marriages are allowed under Connecticut's constitution. This makes Connecticut the third state to make such a move (Massachusetts and California already have same sex marriages.) This pull the State out of gender enforcement rules in the most personal of relations. This is a very good thing for same sex couples. It doesn't help me very much since I seem to be stuck in a very sterile existence, but I am happy for the couples in this state.

There will be an attempt to mess this up in the state by those who feel that somehow same gender marriages devalue marriage in some way. I really cannot see how committed relationships between anyone can devalue any other relationship. Having myself been married for 31 years before the divorce I know that our differences were of our own making. No one else's relationship, same sex or not, had one bit of influence on our relationship. Though our marriage is now over we both highly valued our marriage most of the time we were married. The end didn't come because of outside influences. My internal pressures caused me to change drastically in a direction that she couldn't live with day to day. It was disappointing to me but wasn't caused from without.

This is not really helping me at the moment so I will say good night to you all. Be well.

Love,
Shel