Wednesday, December 05, 2007


Balance- or to be more correct the lack of balance should be the title today. For some time I have been experiencing what I now understand is a kind of loss of center or balance. This loss of center I am sure is part of the complete disruption and change of my life. Some people are able to cross the gender boundary without the disruption of all aspects of their life. Some are able to keep their previous relations and job and living situation. I, on the other hand, had a much more complete disruption of my life. Most things changed. It wasn't all from the gender switch. Having Cancer and the following physical problems did a lot also.

One thing I was able to keep was a relationship with my family. I did get divorced, but we are still friendly and I get along mostly with my children. A steady foundation has been my father, my mother died some time ago. My father has been great and I visit him frequently. He is 96 and is still self sufficient. I visited today and he started talking about what should happen after he dies (his funeral, property, etc.) I know that he won't live forever, but it was upsetting. I am still upset just thinking about it. I am an only child and he is my remaining parent.

As I said I am not feeling very centered as a person and this kind of conversation just makes it worse. Add this to several other things that I am upset about and I am about to erupt. I probably won't really erupt, but some crying might be in order.

Any way, just getting this out helps a bit. I am not really sure how to restore balance or centering, but realization is important. I have been feeling strange without really knowing why for a while now. Knowing means I might actually be able to do something about it.

I am sorry for the strange post. I hope things are clear in your life.


No comments: