self

Despite the difficult day yesterday, I have been going through a period of great personal discovery. As I could not really speak about some of my personal pain I feel that some of this discovery is really so personal that I cannot be detailed about it. Let just say that I have been able to discover a part of myself that I wasn't sure existed any more. I have had a very deep sorrow for several years that really served to block my own personal growth. Though the sorrow remains I have seen my way past it or maybe through it. Life is tough enough without making it tougher on myself. It is interesting that the sorrow I held so close wasn't really related to other issues, but had great effect.

I have decided that life is really all too short. In many things I think I am moving on. I really hope to make the most of the life I have. Some of the other pesky issues of my life remain unsolved but I am a work in progress. I feel I have been blessed and give a new chance at life. I don't want to waist it. Sadly, I can now see that so much of my life was spent marking time. I really can't depend on the actions of others or even wait for them. My life is my own.

I can imagine that this post seems strange, since I have had to be so vague. It makes perfect sense to me.

I hope your day is great.
Love,
Shel

The Nightmare

Sometimes nightmares come during the day while you are awake. I had such a nightmare yesterday. As I have mentioned before I have had the Lap-Band surgery. It has been a full three months since the surgery so I eat most everything, with a few unwise exceptions, just in very small quantities. Yesterday at lunch I had some leftover steamed Chinese vegetables and chicken. An average restaurant portion lasts me an average of 3.5 meals. To get to the point, my nightmare began with lunch. I don't know what I did wrong, I might of eaten too much or possibly I didn't chew well enough, but I dry heaved for over two hours. (I am sparing you the actual description.)When I stopped retching I still had a knot in my chest for two more hours. I was exhausted! I had planed to go to a cocktail party in Hartford, but wisely decided not to go. I fell asleep in the chair instead. Six hours later I decided that I needed to eat (big mistake!) The reaction of my stomach was swift this time and short lived (thankfully.)

I was so uncomfortable and so depressed I was actually in tears at times. Thankfully, today I seem to feel normal. My breakfast small portion of oatmeal went down well and has stayed down. The frustrating thing about this all is that last month I missed the same cocktail party for the same reason. I truly wish I knew what I did wrong. I clearly don't need another day like yesterday.

The good news in the whole thing is that I am loosing weight at a rate that pleases the Doctor so I didn't have to have another fill (an adjustment to the restriction the band provides.) I have actually lost over 60 pounds since the first of the year. Fifty of those pounds I lost after the Lap-Band was surgically implanted. I am still not a small woman. I am tall at 5'9" and I still have much weight to loose. With the exception of yesterday I have been feeling increasingly fit and I have had an increasingly varied diet.

In spite of days like yesterday I believe the surgery was totally worth it.

Peace to you all and of course my love,
Shel

I'm Alive!

I know it's a strange title, but I really should have no expectation of being alive. Four years ago today I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. I have survived four years and I am truly thankful. It has been a tough four years, though, in many ways. I often obsess over what probably are minor things, but being alive is a big thing. Several things make me acutely aware of this landmark. Tony Snow, the former press secretary of the President just died of just the same disease. I never agreed with the man's point of view or much of his work, but it is clear he fought for life and lost to cancer. I have to respect that.

Another thing that brings things to mind is my recent visit to my oncologist. The visit was routine with nothing remarkable. That in itself is remarkable to me and I suspect pleasing to the Doctor. He works in a field where all too many of his patients die. That was made very clear to me while I was receiving chemotherapy. I went in one day and there wasn't the usual crowd. I asked my nurse about it and she made it clear that some of the patients hadn't made it. Life and death are so closely entwined. Life is so precious and death so seemingly close at times.In any case, I am glad to still be here.

I have much more to say, but not at this time. The short of it is that I have made some discoveries about myself, but I'll need to deal with that another time. Please be well, stay well and love your life.

Love,
Shel

Happy 4th!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
I wish you a very happy 4th of July weekend. Our country was founded on great ideals. Some of those ideals have been realized, and others have been greatly abused. The United States is a work in progress. Let's all work for progress so we all can share in this great experiment in freedom and justice.

On a personal note, this time was once a great family multi-day picnic/clambake. It is kind of a sad thing for me that I have been excluded from that event over the past four years. The life of someone who crosses the gender boundaries can be very hard and often lonely. On the bright side I did go to a birthday party of a friend yesterday and that was very nice. The rain was kind of a bother, but the party was nice all the same.

Love to all,
Shel

ΑΓΧΟΣ

As usual I am approaching the unapproachable in a back-handed way. The title (άγχος) of this blog post should keep you guessing a bit. One hint, it is Greek. I have been feeling some very unpleasant feelings recently. Though many things have been going very well indeed, not everything is great. I really wish I felt free to explain everything, but I fear that that would cause me more distress than it would be worth. In short I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for a very long time. I think the question becomes how long before I feel I have put myself through the head banging enough and stop. I doubt that life will resolve itself in any other way.

The toll of my distress is that I occasionally feel nauseous and like I want to burst out in tears. I also occasionally feel like I obsess and I may be doing just that at this moment. If only things would work out the way I want! Of course they don't often work that way. They usually work out in unexpected ways. So much for the vagueness of my life. Life seemed so much simpler ten years ago. Things were duller, but definitely simpler. On second thought nothing in my life has been simple.

Aside from my weird inner feelings, things have gone well. I took two trips to Provencetown, MA this past month with a friend. It had been a long time since I had been there (it seems like in a different life.) I had a wonderful time. I have been loosing weight, and learning some hard lessons about the lap-band. If I am careless about eating I pay severely for the mistake. If I am careful and deliberate then things work out well. I am currently able to eat most everything. There are still, and may always be some foods that I need to avoid. Bread in almost all forms (even toast) has been very difficult and I do not plan to eat corn or rice any time soon. I have yet to eat steak, but that may be coming up. I just need to treat myself sometime soon to a good cut of steak. One thing that is very nice is that overall I am feeling better. I have better endurance and I almost feel human.

Later this week I visit my oncologist (cancer Doctor.) I will then get the report on the CAT scan performed in March. I do not expect anything bad, since I am sure I would have heard something before this.

By the way, άγχος n. (ánchos)-- anxiety, stress, emotional pressure.

Love to all,
Shel

Bad Blogger

I know I have been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in a while. I have been relatively busy, but the real reason is that I just didn't feel like Blogging. I have been trying to deal with some personal issues and I would dearly love to blog some of them just to get it out, but discretion dictates that I don't. Sometimes the things that are internal issues don't really need to be public. I know that this leaves everyone in the dark, but that's the way it must be.

We had a severe thunder storm this afternoon and a huge limb broke of the tree in the front. It covers most of the front yard and half of the street. We were very lucky that no cars were damaged. It came close to one of them.


I hope to be more regular in blogging, but I can't promise. By the way, I am still loosing weight. I have a long way still to go, but I am feeling better. Wish me well in working through my personal crap.

Love,
Shel

Another Quickie

Later Today I will be going for a fill on the Lap-Band. This will restrict the flow of food from the upper pouch to the rest of the stomach. I really don't know what to expect. I am guessing I will get full quicker and will stay that way a bit longer. I'll let you know. Food goes down pretty easy right now. I still can't eat great quantities, but I am guessing I will be able to eat less. The less I eat, the more weight I loose! That's a good thing! Yeah!

Love,
Shel