Chica Busca ......

I'm watching Jay Lenno. It's his next to last show on the Tonight show. I just came home from working at the CT Gay and Lesbian Film Festival held in Hartford. Tonight was a Lesbian night with Chica Busca Chica (Girl seeks Girl.) There are two more nights of the Festival. It's been an interesting process this year, selecting the films and doing the Festival. I am a very small part of the whole process and I have learned a lot.

The Film Festival is just one of the things I have done to make my life feel fuller or more meaningful. Film is an old love. I made films in graduate school a long time ago. Half of my Master's Thesis was a film. There were two copies of that film, but I think they both have been lost, alas. These are things you probably didn't know about me.

Oh, Billy Crystal is on Lenno. The weather has really been crappy. It's been damp and drizzly for several days. It has blended with my mood which has been damp and drizzly so the distraction of the Film Festival has been real good.

Keep warm and dry.

Love,
Shel

Stumbling

I have tried to write a post several times today and this is all I can come up with. The first thing is that I have made a mistake eating today and feel really bad. I have already made a trip to the bathroom. I hope it will only be the one. I also feel kind of depressed and I really don't know how to write about it. I know what the problem is but I really don't know how to approach it. A part of my life has taken a bad turn and I really wish it hadn't gone that way. There may be no remedy and I am really sad about that. How's that for vague?

What isn't vague is the knot in my stomach! So much for eating anything more today. I'll be lucky to keep some tea down now. Oh, gosh!

I can't be intelligent feeling like this, sorry. Have a good day.

Love,
Shel

Too Much.....

There is just too much to be said and I feel as if I can't get it all down. Thoughts run through my head and feelings course through me and I seem not to be able to get it all down here. On top of that when I come to writing I seem to forget half of what I want to write. Though this is a challenge for me I think that not being able to get it all down has saved me from saying far too much at times. This is a problem, because at times I want to treat this as if it were a private journal, but of course it is quite public. I have I am afraid forgotten this at times.

I have been kind of subdued and resting the past few days. I didn't feel well Friday and Saturday I went to a meeting, but did little else. Yesterday we had a house full of people for Memorial day. The severe Thunder Storms came through so everyone was inside most of the time. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and that was nice. There was clean-up to do today and some of it is still yet to be done. Incredibly some of the people who snubbed us a while ago were invited and attended. I was gracious and polite, but nothing was said in the way of apology or explanation. I find that amazing. I guess I shouldn't. My former partner for so many years did something to me far worse and she never apologized. Though I was able to continue with her, I could never fully forgive her. She never admitted her part in things. I kind of feel similar feelings here. This was less severe than what my ex did, but without some recognition of wrongness I am afraid I can't find it in my heart to forget. This is so hard for me. I am such a normally gentle person and I cannot get rid of these awful feelings.

I just at times want to go away and hide sometimes. I so much want to eat! This is a time for comfort food. I won't of course, partially because I can't and partially because I know my need to eat isn't physical, but emotional. Whenever life takes a turn like it seems to have, I feel so empty and alone. It's not all real, but certainly in my feelings it is all too real.

Tomorrow I go to the Dentist and have the temporary crown removed and the permanent one put in. I can't believe that three weeks has passed!

I feel I must put in the thought that Memorial Day isn't all about picnics. Many people gave their lives so that we might live in relative safety and freedom. I have not always agreed with our country's military policy, but the soldiers who have given so much and the families who have lost so much are worthy of remembrance. I am pretty much a pacifist and wish everyone could resolve differences without war and conflict. The reality is that I can't even do that in my own life. We are imperfect. God forgive us our imperfections!

Love,
Shel

Bug?

This is just a quick post. I have a busy day ahead and hopefully I'll feel ok. Yesterday was a lost day. I got up early and had breakfast with my oldest son and then took him to work. Following that I went walking with a friend on some nearby walking trails.When I went home I began to just feel awful. I rarely get headaches, but yesterday I had one. I slept most of the day and missed the rest of what I had planned to do. I am not sure what was going on with me. The walk was warm, but I drank the whole time so I don't think I got dehydrated. The walk wasn't particularly strenuous. It may have been just a string of me being too busy or maybe I has some kind of bug. I still feel a small bit of head ache and this isn't usual.

As I look forward to today and the next week I may have planned too much, but I really think that I had a bug. There are other things rumbling around in my mind, but I will limit myself to this for now. Have a great day and a great weekend.

Love,
Shel

P-Town Summary

I'm back from Provencetown. It was a very nice time. Thursday's weather was not so good, but things got better Friday and Saturday was wonderful! Things didn't quite work out like I thought they might. I spent more time walking about and shopping than I had expected, though I was very good at watching the pennies. New rule: "Don't buy it unless I am going to wear it!" This saved me a great deal. It was fun shopping though and I did buy a few things. I went with a friend and she didn't feel comfortable hanging where I had planned to go.

We went to the shows and enjoyed those, but went to the Governor Bradford Inn and watched the wildness there. They have Drag Karaoke there and it can be entertaining. The crowd was a bit young Saturday though.

Every time I visit there I leave with this great desire to move there. I don't know what I would do there or where I would live, property is so expensive and so are the rents. Also, I wouldn't make a good shop keeper. Sigh, maybe that's a dream I can hold onto.

I am having purse melt-down. I had been using a purse that I loved, but the strap began to break. I like purses with pockets. I then switched to a purse I bought last year but hadn't used. It has pockets, but not quite like the other one. I was getting to like the new one, but tonight the stitching on the new purse came unraveled and the strap came loose. I am switching purses again! It's interesting, because I bought this purse with a friend and the friendship went to pieces. Now the purse has gone to pieces. Such is life!

I am visiting a different friend from Massachusetts tomorrow for lunch. We are meeting half way, out in the middle of nowhere; at least it seems like nowhere. We haven't has an opportunity to get together in quite a while. She is an Episcopal priest also. I am looking forward to seeing her.

P-town

Here I am blogging live from the John Randall House in Provencetown. I have of course had too much to drink. So much the better! ugh, I really haven't had anything to drink in over a year. I am out of shape. I only had a few wines and I am really shot. The good side of things, I don't have to drive any where. The weather is crummy and there is really nothing happening tonight.

I wish I had something profound to say, but it is late and I am blitzed. I am very profoundly going to say g'nite!

Love.
Shel

Vanity

I have been thinking a lot about all kinds of things recently. One of the things that strikes me is how unimportant certain things really are. Let me rephrase that; how unimportant many things are that people think are so important. I include myself in the group of people who have thought certain things important so I am not pointing my finger at someone outside. I am looking at myself here. One of the things I think is probably overvalued is looks, how one appears. I confess to being rather shallow in this way. A person's looks should mean less than it appears to. I clearly don't pretend to be a great beauty myself, but looks is somewhat important at least at first. I guess I am a bit shallow in that way and I really wish I wasn't. I do know though that looks isn't the final word to me and that other qualities means more to me.

I don't know why this came up, but I was looking at my hands the other day. I looked at them and decided, "These can't be my hands! There so ugly!" My hands now have age spots on the backs. I am told that this is from years of sun. Also, there are wrinkles on the backs of my hands. These wrinkles look like the wrinkles of an old person, again from the sun, I am told. Where did these hands come from? Who do they belong to? Certainly they aren't mine!

It's really strange what a person will think about, isn't it?

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. Thus spake Qoheleth.

Love,
Shel

Treckie

It's been a very domestic day for the most part. I did dishes and I did laundry. See, very domestic. I did also go to the Movies with three friends. It was a kind of interlude between my chores. We saw the new Star Trek movie. This was actually my second viewing of this movie, the first was with my oldest son on Sunday. I kind of like the movie. It took me a while to adjust to the new cast, but I think they did a good job. I am glad I saw it twice. There were things I missed the first time because the movie moves quite fast.

You must understand that I am a Treckie from way back. I once stayed up for a 24 hour Star Trek marathon. I taped the whole marathon. I guess my son caught the Treckie bug from me. Is it Treckie or Trecker? I can never keep it straight. The movie was a nice diversion from the necessities of life.

Ugh, I did loads and loads of laundry and there is still more to do. I can survive now, though, and I have cloths for my weekend trip to Provencetown. I'll leave the rest of the laundry for when I get back. Tomorrow I have a hair appointment and I have my T'ai Chi class.

My finger nails have gone to hell! I don't know what's going on with them. Certain nails have cracked and split. The only thing I can think of is that it is related to weight loss. I am loosing weight again. I notice that I was loosing some hair again in the shower this morning. I have been loosing 5 or 6 lbs a month since my last Lap-Band fill. I take all kinds of vitamin and mineral supplements. Life is truly interesting. Have a nice evening.

Love,
Shel

Commentary

This is a commentary on my life. I have been in great personal turmoil for the past seven years, possibly more. I live among other people who are in similar turmoil. I am trying to find my way out of turmoil into just life. I don't really know if there is such a thing as life without turmoil, but I am trying to at least find equilibrium. If I can find some amount of satisfaction from life then that will be a bonus. It has taken me a long time to become this person.

The reason for this post is that I realize that there are those around me who are in turmoil and change. They may be in the kind of turmoil that I was in a few years ago and with the questions I had a few years ago. I feel for them, but I am no longer where they are. I have new challenges and a new life to live. I have a life to live .... What a wonderful statement! I have a life to live and I won't allow anyone to diminish that life. Those that want to contribute, those who want to be positive can come along.

Pensively,
Shel

Yes, but.......

The one thing you certainly don't want to hear from any one is "You are a good person." That phrase sounds innocent enough, but it is loaded with all kinds of badness. What is almost never stated along with it is the "but." It is the "but" part of things that is the operative part, the biting and vicious part. "You are a good person, but ......." Let's fill in some of the possibilities here: "I don't like you, you are not my kind of person, f___ off, etc, etc." Do you get the idea?

No one's really a Good person. This is really the attempt by someone to brush you off by making you feel superior. It's killing you with kindness. Any time that is said to me these days, I am gone. I get the message! I know who I am and I know I am a mixture of nice and not so nice, I am far from Good. In fact, Jesus says it very well, "Only God is good." In any case, I only want to associate with people who want to associate with me and that's real.

Love,
Shel

Jittery

I am doing a new thing for me. I am blogging from the Jitters Coffee house in Southington, CT. The blogging is taking place as the musician Rupert Wates is singing. This is made possible by my little Netbook computer and the wireless network at Jitters. I obviously have had too much coffee by this time, but that is really better than having had too much alcohol. Alcohol is a pleasure I don't do any more for all practical purposes. With the Lap-Band surgery, alcohol just hits me too hard and I have to drive home from here. Shirley, the owner, doesn't serve alcohol any way.

Try Jitters some time.Rupert Wates won't be here again for a while, but there will be musicians here every weekend.

Good night from Jitters Coffee house!

Love,
Shel

Nice Evening

It was a really nice meeting tonight. There was no drama and I really enjoyed myself. I was even able to eat something (small amount.) They had some stuffed sole rolls and I was able to eat one. It was very small. I also was able to have some of the vegetable mixture and a little of the pene. It was nice. I also had some nice conversations. There was no stress.

Driving home I had a good chance to think on some things. The fact is that I really only want and need to associate with people who like me. I think that I am not so bad as a person. I'm not perfect, but then who is? In spite of some not so good experiences this week, there have been some very good experiences. I mentioned that my food therapy group ended Monday, but I didn't mention that I got some really nice compliments at that meeting. I find it hard to hear compliments and accept them. Surprisingly, the speaker this evening spoke to that very trait. I have much to think about.

Tomorrow I hope to be able to go out and relax a bit with some friends in the evening. We do some simple things, talk, play darts (I'm fairly good), play pool(I suck at that) and talk some more. The main problem is the long drive. It makes for a late night, but it is pleasant (and I think I need that.)

Oh, before relaxing I have work to do. I have a business consulting job to do. It involves making an assessment of a web site proposal for a company I am consulting for. Yes, Shel is doing some computer consulting! This is for a Boston based company. Interesting stuff. I also need to work out my schedule for next week. It's one of those weeks with too much to do and not enough time.

Well it's getting late so good night.

Love,
Shel

What to write?

I am still down from the weekend's happenings. I really don't feel much like rehashing any of it. There are really too many difficult things that happened that involved too many people. I am backing off and trying to focus on new things that are more positive and people who are more positive. I will try not to hold onto the hurt and let it all go. Possibly time will heal some raw sensibilities.

I will miss my T'ai Chi class tonight to attend a woman's networking event. I am hoping to get some computer clients from this. In any case it is an enjoyable event and there are no "Gay" politics involved. I am so new to the group that I would have no way of knowing about a snub and no expectations of friendly greetings. Everyone is pretty new at this group and generally friendly. It is generally a refreshing change.

Oh, yesterday I had a temporary crown put on one of my molars. The permanent one will be put in in three weeks. Until then I have a "gold" molar. I am sure it is only gold colored and really is some kind of alloy. While it is in there I do have to be a bit careful when chewing, brushing and flossing. They apparently use a temporary glue that requires some care.

Today I had a blood test in the morning. This is a prelude to a Doctor's appointment next week. These things seem to come in clusters. Timing next week may be tricky. I may be visiting a friend in Massachusetts part of the week and then I will be in Provincetown for the single women's weekend. I went last year, but didn't meet anyone of long term interest, but you never know. The question is can I get everything in next week?

Speaking of getting everything in, I had better get changed for this event tonight. I have to drive a bit so need to be ready early. Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Shel

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

I had a Doctor appointment first thing this morning. I was barely awake. Ironically, it was with my sleep Doctor. I am doing well with the CPAP. This is good, but truthfully I have used one of these devices for approximately 20 years. It has become a regular part of my life and sleep. Before I started using a CPAP I was walking through life as a sleep deprived zombie. The little machine literally gave me back my life 20 years ago. The reason for the ongoing visits to the sleep Doctor have to do with my constant weight loss (by design and the help of a Lap-Band). Sleep Apnea is often a weight sensitive condition. My Apnea has gotten less intense, but hasn't gone away. It may never go away since isn't always weight dependent. When I first started using the CPAP I wasn't real heavy.

The fun to come today is another kind of Doctor, Doctor of Dentistry. I am going to have a tooth crowned. I have a tooth that is mostly filling and is a great problem catching food. It will be crowned today to make the contours of the tooth more normal and to reduce the gaps between the teeth. This will be my second crown. I had one put in last year on a tooth that had broken years ago (now that REALLY caught food!) The procedure shouldn't be painful, but they will put a temporary cap in place and I will have to go back later for the permanent one. They will deaden my mouth with Novocaine or whatever they use. My last appointment I spent half a day feeling like I had a hole in my lower lip, distressing when you try to drink something.

I guess that is only two Doctors. The title should be "Doctor, Doctor" I guess. (chuckling to myself)

I'm loosing it, I think. Have a great day!

Love,
Shel

Short Post

My food therapy group ended tonight. It is a sad thing for me. That group had become a part of my life. We shared a lot and it was all meaningful. Most of all I managed to learn a great deal about myself. Am I cured of solving my emotions by eating? Only time will tell that. I think that I know more about my reasons for eating now and that along with the Lap-Band I now have a chance. Thanks Ladies for being there for the past twelve weeks!

Love,
Shel

Follow-UP

I have done my crying (see previous post for reasons.) I will try to move on. [section removed by author for personal reasons] I guess that that is the way of life and relationships. Here today and gone tomorrow.

Enough of that. I have really fallen in love with my Netbook. It's an Asus eeePC with a 10" screen and a 160 Gb hard drive. It came with Windows XP, but I have put the new Windows 7 on it. I had the Beta edition on it. but I now just changed to the Release Candidate version. You might say that the RC of Windows 7 isn't out yet, but it is if you have a Technet Plus subscription. I get a few day's jump on using it. I like it and it runs well on this small netbook. Why am I using the netbook? It is simple, it is small enough to go with me easily and large enough to be functional. Most things are built into it. It doesn't have a cd/dvd player but I have found many ways around that. I am using my desktop machine as a kind of file and print server. It is running Windows XP but I do network access to it. I get access to most things that way. If I need a CD/DVD I attach a stock dvd with a USB adapter cable to it. I burned a bunch of cd for the conference that way. I used the netbook and my regular laptop to burn cd's and I printed the cd labels from the desktop/server. I had a real production line going. I used a free burner software called Image Burn to do the cd burning. I burned 200 cd's and only one of them was a dud. That's pretty good.

I need to get up. The bathroom calls. Peace!

Love,
Shel

La,De,Da,De,Dee

And the pain goes on, La....... It's a variation on a theme of my current life and a partial paraphrase of a song. My emotional pain is quite visceral. I really don't know why I am not in my room crying my eyes out. I also am aware that this is something like screaming at a brick wall, but the other options are writing this all in a private journal for my kids to read after I die. It may be a bit better to get things out while I am alive and kicking. Today looked to be a reasonably nice day. I was off to the Pride celebration in Northampton, MA. The weather didn't look great so I brought a rain jacket and umbrella. The weather just got better and better all day. This was a definite plus. As it turned out we were a bit late so we only caught the very end of the parade. We parked in the garage and I went to the film festival booth.

I have been working on the Out Film festival for Hartford and I volunteered to help at the booth. I arrived at the booth and it was busy. The Festival Director was the only other person there and we passed out many brochures. The festival is later in the month and the brochure has the film line-up. We were very busy. Quite few friends came by the table and I was able to chat a bit. Some of them wanted me to go to the Tea Dance after the festival, but I was riding with friends, so that didn't happen. AS the afternoon came to a close, my friends and I met up with other friends for dinner. The plan was to get a table for 12 at the outdoor dining area. The problem was that the area was jammed and a large table would be a very long wait. An indoor table was secured quite quickly and we were seated - except for one person who went to the bar. We ordered drinks and food. The person who had been at the bar came back and said something to one end of the table and one half of the group got up and went upstairs. We sat there speechless. No one said boo to us or excused themselves or anything. Then one of the group that went upstairs came down and asked the person sitting next to me to come upstairs (he didn't go.)

I have no idea what happened, but I do know that some of the people who left to go upstairs I counted as friends, one in particular. She didn't say a word to me or even acknowledge my existence, not a hi or goodbye. I guess I am shy of a couple of friends now - for reasons unknown. WTF!

I will cry later -that's for sure! Some things really stink in life. Just because you get older doesn't mean that you understand your life. I clearly don't understand mine. Thus ends a day that started reasonably well, progressed nicely and turned to crap!

"The beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da"

Love,
Shel