My mood and my perspective changes day by day. Today I had my hair done - that's always a plus. I helped my son with a little plumbing advise (my grandfather was a plumber and I learned a lot from him, but I hate it, believe me.) Later in the evening I had a good talk, very good. Life seems a little more positive. It's not perfect but at least tolerable.
All in all this was a much better day!
Love,
Shel
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Teeth!
I had my first dental appointment in years today. It was a cleaning and full mouth exam. To say the least there is work to do! Next week I get the pleasure of having one of my molars capped. The tooth broke and a large filling fell out many years ago. Finally it will be fixed. There are cavities to fill and they seem to want to pull one of my wisdom teeth instead of filling the cavity. AT this moment I am only missing one of my teeth, a wisdom tooth that was impacted. I am not looking forward to having another wisdom tooth taken out. I need to think on this one. Teeth! You can't live with them and you don't want to live without them.
I guess I am lucky, though. Both my mother and father lost their teeth to gum disease. It's hell growing old, but I don't like the alternative. I could go on about age, but I think I will keep that one for a while.
I didn't visit my son and granddaughter today because they and my daughter-in-law (sort of) went to the big E. I have never been to the big E. One of these years I need to plan a trip there. I love fairs. I just need someone to go with. It would be a real downer going alone.
I am doing some work on my computer, so I will be off line until the changes are done. Have a good one.
Love,
Shel
I guess I am lucky, though. Both my mother and father lost their teeth to gum disease. It's hell growing old, but I don't like the alternative. I could go on about age, but I think I will keep that one for a while.
I didn't visit my son and granddaughter today because they and my daughter-in-law (sort of) went to the big E. I have never been to the big E. One of these years I need to plan a trip there. I love fairs. I just need someone to go with. It would be a real downer going alone.
I am doing some work on my computer, so I will be off line until the changes are done. Have a good one.
Love,
Shel
Monday, September 22, 2008
Fall
Welcome to Fall! It is usually one of my favorite seasons. I am having trouble appreciating just about everything just now, but I will try to get into Fall this year. I really can't let my mood destroy everything for me.
I hate going to new Doctors! I always have to explain everything once again. You would not believe the ignorance in the Medical profession on the topic of Transsexuals. Let me be very clear, they were very nice to me! I just had to describe everything about transition and surgeries even though it really didn't apply directly. I guess it can be said that there is value in educating another Doctor.
I now know what I am dealing with. It looks like I will need another surgery before too long to solve my "issue." The "issue" is a complication of another surgery. It is a somewhat minor procedure, but will take several weeks of healing to be back to normal. I do need to find the money for this first since it is unlikely that insurance will cover this.
In any case, Happy Fall!
Love,
Shel
I hate going to new Doctors! I always have to explain everything once again. You would not believe the ignorance in the Medical profession on the topic of Transsexuals. Let me be very clear, they were very nice to me! I just had to describe everything about transition and surgeries even though it really didn't apply directly. I guess it can be said that there is value in educating another Doctor.
I now know what I am dealing with. It looks like I will need another surgery before too long to solve my "issue." The "issue" is a complication of another surgery. It is a somewhat minor procedure, but will take several weeks of healing to be back to normal. I do need to find the money for this first since it is unlikely that insurance will cover this.
In any case, Happy Fall!
Love,
Shel
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Weird
I am feeling very weird today. I slept until 11:30 am which is very unusual. I had the Sunday off this week. Friday Night I didn't sleep very well at all so I guess I was making up for that. I started yesterday with the new therapist and I am quite pleased with the session. It didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with her. She seems to know where I am emotionally and in life and that is good. I really don't know where I am myself so it is real good someone does. The only downside is that she is a solid hour drive away. I do have several more appointments scheduled though.
The weirdness? I am feeling kind of lost. I guess that is the best way to describe things. Nothing new has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand why I feel this way. I just feel different. I really hope the feeling is about being on the verge of something new.
I see a surgeon to assess a problem I have and to evaluate corrective surgery. This is something no one can currently see (it's hidden by clothing) but it bothers me none the less. I am not sure whether insurance will work here or whether I will have to find the funds up front. There are a lot of questions, but I do need to know the basics first.
Now that I have been as totally vague as possible, I will say good night.
Love,
Shel
The weirdness? I am feeling kind of lost. I guess that is the best way to describe things. Nothing new has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand why I feel this way. I just feel different. I really hope the feeling is about being on the verge of something new.
I see a surgeon to assess a problem I have and to evaluate corrective surgery. This is something no one can currently see (it's hidden by clothing) but it bothers me none the less. I am not sure whether insurance will work here or whether I will have to find the funds up front. There are a lot of questions, but I do need to know the basics first.
Now that I have been as totally vague as possible, I will say good night.
Love,
Shel
Thursday, September 18, 2008
What next?
Things seem to not be getting easier recently. Not only am I having some personal difficulty, but so is one of my sons. I spent a long time talking with him yesterday and he was so down. His problems are financial and I am not in a position to be of much help. He is very down and discouraged. He is an adult, but one never ceases to be a parent and I really want the best for him. Life seems to pile things on.
He just had a very distressing interaction with his bank. Banks are I suppose ever popular these days. They managed to stick him with three overdrafts instead of one. I know, he shouldn't have overdrawn at all, but he did. The upshot is that he ended up paying over $100 for overdrawing his account a total of $4.35. It seems that the bank does something called prioritizing withdrawals. Instead of withdrawing money form your account in the order the transaction is received, they withdraw the largest amount first. They then withdraw the smaller amounts. According to my son that when he checked to do the withdrawals he was not overdrawn. He an my ex went round and round with the bank and got no where (as you might guess.)
My son doesn't make a large amount of money, so $100 in overdrawn fees is huge! He was fit to be tied and very depressed. My offer of some financial help didn't seem to help at all. He feels trapped in a low-paying job, with few options to improve himself. I know that is his impression of himself and he could easily do other work, but he is the one who has to live his own life. His older brother has a similar job and seems to make a go of it. It is interesting how different your children can be, and sometimes distressing.
What next?
Love,
Shel
PS
On a better note, I had a Doctors appointment yesterday with the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery. He was delighted with my weight loss. He just about danced a jig. He said I had lost in weight what most people with the Lap-Band loose in a year (it has been a little over 5 months.) I am clearly pleased also with the weight loss. I feel healthier with more energy. All signs of Diabetes are gone, my cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is normal and now he wants me to see whether my sleep apnea is gone. Physically, things are better. Unfortunately, the Doctor admitted that relationships often can change and sometimes for the worse. Who can figure? S.
He just had a very distressing interaction with his bank. Banks are I suppose ever popular these days. They managed to stick him with three overdrafts instead of one. I know, he shouldn't have overdrawn at all, but he did. The upshot is that he ended up paying over $100 for overdrawing his account a total of $4.35. It seems that the bank does something called prioritizing withdrawals. Instead of withdrawing money form your account in the order the transaction is received, they withdraw the largest amount first. They then withdraw the smaller amounts. According to my son that when he checked to do the withdrawals he was not overdrawn. He an my ex went round and round with the bank and got no where (as you might guess.)
My son doesn't make a large amount of money, so $100 in overdrawn fees is huge! He was fit to be tied and very depressed. My offer of some financial help didn't seem to help at all. He feels trapped in a low-paying job, with few options to improve himself. I know that is his impression of himself and he could easily do other work, but he is the one who has to live his own life. His older brother has a similar job and seems to make a go of it. It is interesting how different your children can be, and sometimes distressing.
What next?
Love,
Shel
PS
On a better note, I had a Doctors appointment yesterday with the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery. He was delighted with my weight loss. He just about danced a jig. He said I had lost in weight what most people with the Lap-Band loose in a year (it has been a little over 5 months.) I am clearly pleased also with the weight loss. I feel healthier with more energy. All signs of Diabetes are gone, my cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is normal and now he wants me to see whether my sleep apnea is gone. Physically, things are better. Unfortunately, the Doctor admitted that relationships often can change and sometimes for the worse. Who can figure? S.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Hard Day
It's been a difficult day. I am not sure why. Nothing new has happened. The weather wasn't even bad. Let's just say that I am looking for something in my life and not finding it and some days it really, really gets to me. Today it got to me. One of the problems is that I have no real routine to loose myself in. I am sure I have always had these kinds of days, but often I could escape in the routine of work. Most of my adult life I have worked and worked hard. It wasn't physical work, but it was always demanding. I usually worked very long hours. Not working is a novelty for me. When I was ill not working was ok. Now it isn't so great. I guess it might be great if I had the resources to travel. I don't have those resources, so today wasn't such a good day.
I was able to find a new therapist who takes my insurance. I haven't met her yet, but I am hopeful she will be helpful. The appointment is later in the week. As I look at my week, this is a week without a lot scheduled. I guess I am lonely and bored. The lonely thing I know already. I just don't know why it bothers me so much. It's all so so relative. My loneliness is a very deep one.
Enough, I am beginning to feel sorry for myself so I need a reality check. You be well.
Love,
Shel
I was able to find a new therapist who takes my insurance. I haven't met her yet, but I am hopeful she will be helpful. The appointment is later in the week. As I look at my week, this is a week without a lot scheduled. I guess I am lonely and bored. The lonely thing I know already. I just don't know why it bothers me so much. It's all so so relative. My loneliness is a very deep one.
Enough, I am beginning to feel sorry for myself so I need a reality check. You be well.
Love,
Shel
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The Beat Goes On
La De Da De Dee
This has been a very tough week in many ways. I went to see my therapist on Thursday after Three and a half years. My nerves were raw and I was visibly shaken. It was an expensive hour, but well worth it. I can't say that everything is better now, because it isn't. I do have some new perspectives on things and myself. I am calmer now, but I must admit I am still depressed a bit. It is obvious to those around me and a friend commented that I wasn't my usual cheery self. Well I'm not that cheery person right now. My demeanor is quite sad and I am just living though things. Friday night I went to a fashion show and normally I would have had a blast. The best I can say now is that it was a distraction. After the show though I can say I finally get it. I am no longer young and I certainly am not beautiful. I know that is a superficial way to look at things, but in many ways it is superficial that is so important to people. I guess I had kind of imagined that inner qualities mattered. Silly me!
Yes I am in a bad mood! My therapist reminded me of what depression was all about and that is something I have been pondering real hard. I have been trying to get in touch with the real feeling. I have a lot of work to do!
La De Da De Daa
Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I know I cannot continue as I have been. My life right now is purposeless. I am emotionally vulnerable and my self confidence is totally shot. You might wonder how I got myself into such a state. It is something I wonder myself. It didn't happen overnight I can safely tell you and I really never intended to be this way. The real kicker in the deal is that I need to find a new therapist. My old therapist doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay full price (actually she discounted a small amount, but not enough.) Therapy is such a personal thing. I hate the idea of changing, but it is necessary.
What I am thinking is that my life needs to change a lot. I have so much more growing to do. I had stagnated. There is no blame here. The past few years have been tough and the way I have been living has been comfortable. It is kind of like food. I had gotten used to comfort food. Well food is no longer comfortable and I guess life has got to be that way for a while if I am to grow. Silly me, I thought I was full grown! Guess not!
The Beat goes on.
Love,
Shel
This has been a very tough week in many ways. I went to see my therapist on Thursday after Three and a half years. My nerves were raw and I was visibly shaken. It was an expensive hour, but well worth it. I can't say that everything is better now, because it isn't. I do have some new perspectives on things and myself. I am calmer now, but I must admit I am still depressed a bit. It is obvious to those around me and a friend commented that I wasn't my usual cheery self. Well I'm not that cheery person right now. My demeanor is quite sad and I am just living though things. Friday night I went to a fashion show and normally I would have had a blast. The best I can say now is that it was a distraction. After the show though I can say I finally get it. I am no longer young and I certainly am not beautiful. I know that is a superficial way to look at things, but in many ways it is superficial that is so important to people. I guess I had kind of imagined that inner qualities mattered. Silly me!
Yes I am in a bad mood! My therapist reminded me of what depression was all about and that is something I have been pondering real hard. I have been trying to get in touch with the real feeling. I have a lot of work to do!
La De Da De Daa
Where do I go from here? I really don't know. I know I cannot continue as I have been. My life right now is purposeless. I am emotionally vulnerable and my self confidence is totally shot. You might wonder how I got myself into such a state. It is something I wonder myself. It didn't happen overnight I can safely tell you and I really never intended to be this way. The real kicker in the deal is that I need to find a new therapist. My old therapist doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford to pay full price (actually she discounted a small amount, but not enough.) Therapy is such a personal thing. I hate the idea of changing, but it is necessary.
What I am thinking is that my life needs to change a lot. I have so much more growing to do. I had stagnated. There is no blame here. The past few years have been tough and the way I have been living has been comfortable. It is kind of like food. I had gotten used to comfort food. Well food is no longer comfortable and I guess life has got to be that way for a while if I am to grow. Silly me, I thought I was full grown! Guess not!
The Beat goes on.
Love,
Shel
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