Feeling better?

I kind of thought that I might feel a bit better after going to the therapist. Why do I feel so rotten then? I went in a pretty good mood and came away a bit depressed. Who can figure? I certainly can't.

My son and his spouse and my granddaughter will be moving to Arizona sometime in the beginning of November. I am really upset. I have been used to seeing my granddaughter weekly. I will probably only get to see her once or twice a year at most after they move. I will also miss my son. We talk frequently. It is another tough turn to my life. I am so worried for them. They both (my son and his spouse) are quitting their jobs and leaving without having jobs to go to. They will be staying with her parents, but there is a lot of uncertainty there.

Back to the therapist. I came to realize as we were talking that I have always thought like a woman. I always knew that I didn't fit as a man. As we were talking she mentioned some typical thought patterns that women have, I of course think that way. I have always thought that way. I just never associated those ways of thinking as being typically female. They have just been part of me always. I just assumed they were universal to both men and women because I was raised as a boy. It's a real insight for me to understand that I don't really understand what it was to be a man. My experience of being male was superficial and forced except for the purely physical. Mentally I have always been who I am now and that is female.

Years back when I began to live full time as female the switch seemed almost too easy and everything seemed natural. I am beginning to understand why now. That's all from a casual bit of conversation with the therapist. It's certainly not why I feel down. I have many things to think on and much to do in reclaiming my life.

You be well.

Love,
Shel

In the In and Out the Out

If you've checked my Blog in the past two or so months, you know that I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions. It has been very hard to explain exactly what has been happening, but the short of it is that I have been in the process of reclaiming my life. Possibly it would be better put that I am trying to build myself a new life. This would be a very difficult thing to do if I was a young person, but I am a mature woman. I have always embraced change in my life but I am finding this very difficult. All of the old rules are gone now and there is a complete set of new rules, gender rules and age rules. I really fail to see how being young or being old is relevant to almost anything. Since when is it bad to be experienced? Yet, look for a job in the computer industry and be over 55 and see what your experience counts! (sorry about that)

I think that anyone has trouble adjusting after Cancer or after Divorce or after great weight loss or a gender change. Any one of those things can be huge in a person's life. I have undergone all of those things in the last six years. Just thinking about it all makes my head swim, yet I am hopeful. I have survived the cancer and the divorce and the gender change and now the weight loss (though that continues.) It is the new life that I am struggling with. How do I find meaning and purpose in my life? How do I find new relationships that will help sustain me? These are my struggles. I may not always give the details, but please know the struggles are genuine. This is all complicate by the fact that I am not a person who has ever been able to be casual about almost anything I ever did. I find disappointments and rejections hard to handle, and there have been many.

Yes my life is tough right now. I don't intend to let it defeat me, though. Yes, I get down and it gets reflected here, but I am not out. My father is 97 and going strong. He did not survive so long and so well by letting life defeat him. Maybe I can look forward to another thirty years of a full life!

Peace and Love,
Shel

PS: the title is a little private joke, between me, myself and I.

Do Something!

Here is a way to do something for the election! Support Barach Obama, support yourself! The link below is to the Stonewall Democrats effort on behalf of Trans support for the Obama/Biden candidacy. If you do nothing then don't complain later!

Trans For Obama

So much for.......

So much for not vomiting! I have had a two week vacation from throwing up. That ended tonight. It was my fault. I ate too much chicken and broccoli. I wasn't being careful as I ate. I was distracted. Nausea seems to pervade my existence these days. If it isn't nausea caused by eating improperly it's just my life that causes the nausea. One, the former, causes actual vomiting. The other, the latter, just causes discomfort and is caused by my insistence on thinking about "things." If only I could not think for a while!

I had a long ago broken tooth capped today. At least the process began. I have a temporary cap which will be replaced in three weeks. It is so different not having those jagged edges in my mouth! What a relief!

I also set an appointment for the bit of surgery I am going to have to correct a problem that has bothered me for three years. If all goes well I will be having that surgery December 1st. It's a Monday and I am thinking I will be out of commission mostly that week, but pretty much fine afterward. I probably won't be lifting much for a few weeks, but that is ok. That's pretty good placement, after Thanksgiving and before Christmas.

For some reason, I am retaining water today. It started yesterday and has continued all day. I can tell by the way my rings fit. It is the strangest thing, but it seems to happen to me monthly. I never had ovaries or a uterus so it's not that. I would be post menopause anyway. It's just strange. Tomorrow or the day after I will loose the fluid and the rings will fit looser.

While it is on my mind, Good-By Paul Newman, God Bless you and keep you. He seemed to live life with grace and dignity, making the lives of others a bit more pleasant and better.

You have a nice evening.

Love,
Shel

Shades of gray

I have been up and down in the past two days. Yesterday was a very affirming day. It was a very full day and it was full of very positive experiences. This morning I did two services and I think I preached quite well. I am exhausted now though since I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I got in late and had to be up very early.

For some reason, I am a bit down now. Nothing new specifically has happened so I am a bit at a loss to understand it. I guess the emotions I have been experiencing kind of caught up to me today. I really don't know. Possibly it is the constant rain this weekend. One thing I do know that many things in life are in shades of gray. They are not black or white, yes or no, true or false. I think I would really like some things to be clear that really are not right now.

The good thing about yesterday is that I am working on making things different. Things will be slow, but I believe I will be a new and better person and possibly happier. I can't say I am happy now, in fact, I feel that a good cry would be appropriate. I am not really unhappy with myself, but with circumstances. I would like for something to work in my favor!

I know it sounds like poor me. I am sorry, but that is how I feel. Tomorrow will be a new and better day.

Love,
Shel

Nausea

Ah, nausea has set in. It's not acute nausea like I get with eating something I shouldn't. It is a long and pervasive nausea, a turning of my soul as much as my stomach. What has happened? Not much really. I guess you could say life has happened and I really am feeling unable to handle things well anymore. I feel like curling up into a little ball on the sofa. The dog does that soo well, me not so good. When did life get so out of focus and how did it get that way? These are questions I need to answer, hopefully, soon.

I now have the finances to do that bit of surgery I need. The surgery hasn't been scheduled yet so I don't know timing. It will mean a couple of weeks of being sore and a few more of restricted movement, but on the scale of things it shouldn't be too bad. This I guess figures to be another surgery year.

This isn't exactly surgery, but Monday I am having one of my molars capped. A number of years ago the tooth broke ans a huge filling came out. It has been a huge hole with jagged edges in my mouth ever since. I have never had a tooth capped before so I don't know exactly what to expect. I do hope that it will mean that in the future I will have to do less picking and flossing to remove food from the area (sorry for the image there.)

This is a dreary and rainy day here in Connecticut. We are on the fringe of a large Atlantic storm which will give us weather all weekend. These kinds of storms are called nor'easters. You can't fight the weather! Weather and nausea, ugh!

Keep dry!
Love,
Shel

Politics

"If you re black in this country, if you re a woman in this country, if you are any minority in this country at all, what could possibly possess you to vote Republican?" Cher

I have been so self consumed recently that I have ignored many of the things that I feel are important. I am and long have been a political Liberal. I am proud of being a liberal. The politics of confusion that the Republicans are trying to dispense just scares me silly. The extreme right politicians scare me and the extreme religious contingent scare me. Did I mention that the economy scares me, also? I have young adult children and a granddaughter. I want a free and viable United States of America for them. I don't want them to live in a bigoted repressive land. I fear that things could go that way.

So much bothers me that I am almost overwhelmed. The latest item of concern is everything about the Republican Vice Presidential candidate! I must say I am just amazed. I really don't agree with McCain, but his running mate really scares me!

Needless to say Barach Obama is my candidate of choice for soooo many reasons. I just wanted to stand up and be counted.

God's Peace and my Love,
Shel