I am sooo tired! I literally have tired myself out and practically driven myself crazy. It has been to absolutely no purpose. Whatever has been bothering me can't be changed in the slightest by my doing. I really don't think I want to try to change things. Some things either are or they are not. Trying to change them just drives one mad. Oh, yes I am driving myself mad! I am really don't want to try to force anything in my life right now. I just want to adjust and stabilize. Once that is done I will think about what I am to do. Tomorrow I am off to see my therapist for the first time in over three years. I think it is time for some intervention of the professional kind. If continue as I am I will have everyone hating me. I am afraid I already have the people I care about doing that.
I visited my father who has just turned 97 and my aunt who turned 93 two months ago today. These are two people who are so dear to me and I am so aware how old they are. My aunt is recovering from a cold and it is clear that a simple cold is a major deal for her. My father is in great shape and I pray he remains that way a while longer. It has been a long day with a long drive there and back. With such a long drive I had far too much time to think. Remember, I think too much. Really, I do!
I am too tired to write more. Have a great evening.
Love,
Shel
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
Being sick
As if it weren't enough that I am undergoing some kind of emotional meltdown, it seems that my body insists on tormenting me! It seems that on a rather regular (but not predictable) basis my stomach rejects it's contents. There seems to be no consistent pattern to this. I have tried to seriously limit portions and to chew as well as possible. Still, today's lunch, a very small piece of chicken, has given me close to an hour's worth of grief.
I will not describe the process in detail because it is very gross. It happened today at home and it has happened when I was out to lunch with friend(s). [Excuse me a second! You guessed it. Once again! yech!] It is driving me nuts. I really appreciate the loss of weight and I look forward to more, but it happened to me yesterday when I was out to a baby shower and now today. I want to screeeeeeeeem! [Excuse me!]
There can't be much left in my stomach now so the end is in sight- I hope. What they don't tell you about the Lap-Band surgery before hand!
Peace,
Shel
I will not describe the process in detail because it is very gross. It happened today at home and it has happened when I was out to lunch with friend(s). [Excuse me a second! You guessed it. Once again! yech!] It is driving me nuts. I really appreciate the loss of weight and I look forward to more, but it happened to me yesterday when I was out to a baby shower and now today. I want to screeeeeeeeem! [Excuse me!]
There can't be much left in my stomach now so the end is in sight- I hope. What they don't tell you about the Lap-Band surgery before hand!
Peace,
Shel
Friday, September 05, 2008
Ruminations
The longer I live the more apparent it becomes that I understand myself almost not at all. I have been in a state (emotional) for several weeks now. Though I do know what it is about I really don't understand why it has hit me so hard. I have written some things here, but really feel constrained not to talk here fully. I know it is hard to understand if you don't know the full story and I am sorry for that. It must be this way though.
Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.
I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.
I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)
I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.
Love,
Shel
ruminate
Verb
[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj
Let me just say that I am trying to deal with my emotions and to pull myself up and live my life. It is a struggle though, I must admit. I guess this is just another difficult time in my life. I am really tempted to wonder if my life is just going to be like this from now on. I have some close friends (mostly women born women) whose lives seem almost as difficult as mine. I feel somehow very empty and I am amazed that they don't seem that way. It is hard to broach the subject with some of them to help get some perspective, but I do have a very good friend who was able to share. Yes, she at least, has found her life difficult at times and felt empty. I think she lives like a hermit (that's only in comparison to me.) Se does find it hard but has learned to find rewards in her own life.
I come from such a different place. Until a few years ago I was surrounded by family, three sons and a partner. I literally almost had no time alone. I shopped with family, watched TV with family, went places with family, ate with family, and slept with family. I had meaningful employment and at least the illusion of health (the cancer of course was growing inside me for quite some time. I find it rather ironic that as I am beginning to become truly healthier once again I am having this crisis.) Even there I was surrounded with people all the time. I had no time to feel lonely and I think I felt fulfilled.
I felt fulfilled, but broken and wrong. I had to fix the brokenness and the wrongness and the fix has lead to my current life. To fix what was wrong I had to walk away from my old life (thought leaving all of that life wasn't exactly voluntary.)
I am rambling I fear. I have errands to do. Possibly it is in the simple things I will find relief from the pain I feel. You all be well.
Love,
Shel
ruminate
Verb
[-nating, -nated]
1. (of ruminants) to chew (the cud)
2. to meditate or ponder [Latin ruminare to chew the cud]
rumination n
ruminative adj
Thursday, September 04, 2008
More on Change
Some days changes come quick. I have been struggling with eating since last night. Dinner, a small piece of chicken, just didn't set well. I had difficulties all evening. Breakfast today had a similar effect. Who could think that one egg would cause hours of distress? It's lunch time now and I still feel like there is a knot in my throat. I guess that lunch will need to wait.
Some other things haven't gone exactly well. I am kind of trying to sit back and evaluate. It is a situation in which I really have no options and no control. If one could bleed over such things I would be bleeding. In stead, I am just trying to keep my breakfast down. That has become an all too frequent problem.(It's not an emotional thing, it is a learning to live with the Lap-Band thing.) I am not sure what to think. With no options and no control I just need to let go and let things be. That's not a thing I do well, but I will try.
There are times when life can be tough.
Love,
Shel
PS - I honestly have been able to take most anything life has thrown at me. I will take recent events as well. I hope I can take them gracefully. I pretty much move through life without much difficulty and I have recently filled in at congregations without causing difficulty or controversy. It has become so seamless that I had almost forgotten that there might be a problem. I got called yesterday for a Sunday fill-in and agreed to do the service. Fifteen minutes later the Priest called me back and backed out. ("This congregation is too conservative. I don't have a problem, but they might.") Guess what friend, YOU have a problem. I will brush the dust from my sandals and move on. It's just the sort of thing I really didn't need at this moment, though. It can be a cruel world.
Some other things haven't gone exactly well. I am kind of trying to sit back and evaluate. It is a situation in which I really have no options and no control. If one could bleed over such things I would be bleeding. In stead, I am just trying to keep my breakfast down. That has become an all too frequent problem.(It's not an emotional thing, it is a learning to live with the Lap-Band thing.) I am not sure what to think. With no options and no control I just need to let go and let things be. That's not a thing I do well, but I will try.
There are times when life can be tough.
Love,
Shel
PS - I honestly have been able to take most anything life has thrown at me. I will take recent events as well. I hope I can take them gracefully. I pretty much move through life without much difficulty and I have recently filled in at congregations without causing difficulty or controversy. It has become so seamless that I had almost forgotten that there might be a problem. I got called yesterday for a Sunday fill-in and agreed to do the service. Fifteen minutes later the Priest called me back and backed out. ("This congregation is too conservative. I don't have a problem, but they might.") Guess what friend, YOU have a problem. I will brush the dust from my sandals and move on. It's just the sort of thing I really didn't need at this moment, though. It can be a cruel world.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Change
I changed my photo again. I think I said that I really don't like photos of me very much. At least I am smiling in this one! I am also wearing my new glasses. They are similar to the old ones, but I can see better with these ones. I guess that is the real point. When looking at frames I was really distressed at the current styles. There were so many that I just didn't like at all! I managed to find one that was similar to the old ones and went with that. The color is a little different, that's all.
I have been concentrating on the mundane things of life recently, seeking a bit of grounding. I have been doing some research on Doctors and yesterday spent a really nice afternoon with my middle son and my granddaughter. It was a simple and enjoyable day. Today? I guess there are dishes to do and some long neglected tasks in my bedroom. I have cloths that are far too big to store or deal with some how and I need to organize some of the summer things for next year. I really doubt that there will be much of an opportunity to wear the bathing suit again this year. Maybe next year I will be so much smaller that I will need a new one!
Not much has really changed for me. I am living day to day and doing ok. I hope you are doing ok and maybe doing great!.
Love,
Shel
I have been concentrating on the mundane things of life recently, seeking a bit of grounding. I have been doing some research on Doctors and yesterday spent a really nice afternoon with my middle son and my granddaughter. It was a simple and enjoyable day. Today? I guess there are dishes to do and some long neglected tasks in my bedroom. I have cloths that are far too big to store or deal with some how and I need to organize some of the summer things for next year. I really doubt that there will be much of an opportunity to wear the bathing suit again this year. Maybe next year I will be so much smaller that I will need a new one!
Not much has really changed for me. I am living day to day and doing ok. I hope you are doing ok and maybe doing great!.
Love,
Shel
Monday, September 01, 2008
Yesterday
Yesterday I did services in a church in the Northwestern corner of Connecticut. I therefore went for an early morning ride through the countryside. It is so beautiful! Though I did have a camera with me I really didn't take any time to take pictures and I am so sorry I didn't. I could have shared them with you. Connecticut at this time of year is so green. There is just the beginning of leaves turning so every once in a while there is unexpected color. It is clearly still Summer but it is certain Fall is just around the corner.
The services went well and my sermons seemed well received. The morning was a pretty sharp contrast to the confusion which has been part of my recent life. I have chronicled some of my current feelings recently, but clearly not all. Little moments of escape and clarity are so special. I really hope that you all have the opportunity for such refreshing moments.
Love,
Shel
The services went well and my sermons seemed well received. The morning was a pretty sharp contrast to the confusion which has been part of my recent life. I have chronicled some of my current feelings recently, but clearly not all. Little moments of escape and clarity are so special. I really hope that you all have the opportunity for such refreshing moments.
Love,
Shel
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