Rudolph

I feel like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer!  My nose is red and sore and I have been sneezing like a fool.  I woke up with a sore throat that has thankfully improved.  If this sounds familiar then you too have been afflicted with the seasonal cold.  I am thankful that it isn't worse, but I really feel crappy!  I guess I am in for another week of this if it follows the normal course.  What is it? ... fluids, Vitamin C and aspirin or Tylenol.  There is a cough but not too bad yet.  Oh, yes!  The other thing, plenty of sleep!  Now if my nose would stop running I might get some sleep.  Any one got some chicken soup? Oh, the picture isn't really me.  It IS how I feel!


Love,
Shel

Quickie

This will be quick.  I hab a cood in my nood.  Yes I have been afflicted.  It is annoying and little more.  I have been making sure Christmas presents get to  Arizona to my granddaughter and the rest of the family.  I'll worry about the folks here when that is all done.  I am actually in good shape in the shopping thing.  I should be able to avoid the stores after this week!  It's amazing if I do day so my self.  Shopping is somewhat simplified this year.  My kids get money, my granddaughter is done, I need something for friends, that's all.  All will be good if the cold doesn't get worse.

I have been having strange dreams and a very bad night's sleep.  I think the bad night's sleep was the beginning of the cold, though I did wake up and start crying.  What can I say I am an emotional woman!  The other night I watched "Marley and Me" and ended up bawling.  Tears were streaming down my face.  Unrelated, I broke a tooth.  The dentist fixed it today along with two other small problems.  Dental insurance is a good thing!  I had a strange thing where one of my front teeth looked like it was getting longer than the other one.  After x-rays showed everything was normal the Dentist did some grinding.  My teeth are now more balanced and she will do some more in the next appointment.  I think what might have happened was that one of the teeth got worn down more than the other.  It looked like one was growing longer, but in reality the other one was getting shorter.  The next thing will be building that shorter tooth up a bit.  The wonders of modern dentistry!

I am going to check out now.  I just started sneezing again so I am going to put the computer away and get some sleep.  Peace to you all!

Love,
Shel

A Bit Better Today

I am feeling a bit better Today.  I managed to sleep until 11:30 am which is practically unheard of in my current life (unfortunately it was all too common 5 years ago while I was undergoing chemo.)  Fortunately, also my jury duty for today was canceled.  I think I must have really needed the sleep.  The down side is that it is now 4:45 pm and already mostly dark outside.  I had thought of doing things today and this evening but I'm still in my jammies.  I really do need to get dressed though.  I need to buy some food some time, though I may wait until tomorrow now.

You will not believe how long a brick of cheese or package of thin sliced ham lasts me!  I can take a Quiche Lorraine and cut it into 8 pieces and have breakfast for 8 days!  A brick of cheese lasts about the same amount of time.  A dozen eggs lasts 12 days if I have one egg a day.  One egg is a meal.  I break a head of cauliflower into florettes and a florette broken into pieces is a meal.  I am almost out of everything just now.  I haven't had a Quiche in quite a while.  I ate all my protein bars for breakfast and am now having an egg for breakfast.  The cheese is almost totally gone.  I usually have olives on hand, but they are finished.  I finished the cauliflower two days ago.  What am I eating?  I had a cup of  Bean soup for lunch and a quarter cup of oatmeal for breakfast.  I am rapidly running out of stocked food!

More seriously, I have been greatly troubled by the death of Mike Penner/Christine Daniels.  I never knew the person, but I have known people who have committed suicide.  A little over 5 years ago I sat with a friend in the emergency room over the whole memorial day weekend after she attempted suicide.  Thank God she was not successful and had called for help.  Sadley Mike Penner did not do the same.  What drives people to such extremes?  The fact is that when anyone is anything but the "norm" they can and often do experience extreme social condemnation and sometimes persecution.  We like to think that we live in a free society, a free country, but who is that freedom for?  Ask people of color, people different religions,  cultural backgrounds, sexual orientations, gender identies how free we actually are.  I am a Lesbian woman of peculiar origins (some would say) and I live in New England.  Things are quite tolerant and free here, but I know that isn't necessarily so everywhere in the US and certainly not everywhere in the world.  They want to put people like me to death in places like Uganda! What is especially alarming to me is that much of this intolerance is done in the name of christianity!

Let me be quite clear.  Jesus, also known as Christ or Messiah, never advocated hate in any form.  He never advocated discrimination or hurting any one in any way.  Any kind of hate, discrimination, violence or intolerance is decidedly not Christian and actually goes against the religious precepts of most organized religions. I guess that Mike Penner was the victim of sociatal violence and hate which he turned inward.  I believe this because I have seen this.  I have seen it in my own life and in the lives and stories of others.  I am not sure that there is anything I personally could have done for Mike Penner, I never met him.  His story does pull at my heart and I pray for all like him whose lives are in torment and turmoil.

You have a wonderful evening in the Peace of God.
Love,
Shel

Update

I did get some more sleep as it works out. Part of that was that my therapist called to postpone the appointment due to illness, hers not mine. I on the other hand have now some kind of stomach problem. This is not the usual I ate wrong thing. This had not been one of my better days so far. I hope that this isn't the prelude to some more serious problem (the flu or something like that.) That would be something. Wake up obsessing because of the Flu?

In any case I sit here feeling pretty bad, but actually somewhat rested. What I am now obsessing over is what to get my family in Arizona for Christmas. My son's partner also has a near Christmas birthday. This must have been hard her whole life so I want to get her something nice. What do I get the mother of my granddaughter who is in a new home in Arizona? If I was closer I might actually have a clue.

I have sent off things for my Granddaughter already. That was easy. What to do, what to do?

Love,
Shel

Why, You might Ask?

The First why?  Why am I up at this early hour writing this?  Answer.  I woke up at 4:30 am and couldn't get back to sleep.  And yes, something is bothering me.  I am not sure why things are bothering me this morning, but they are.  And, yes I am feeling emotional.  I am writing this just to get something out for now.  I have a therapy appointment later today so I will talk it out then.

The second why?  In short Mike Penner, AKA Christine Daniels.  Being Trans, being Gay, being just a little different is very hard.  Unless you have walked in those shoes you have no idea how hard it is or can be.  The Mike Penner situation is so sad and disturbing.  It is disturbing to know that such social violence was done to that sad person that he felt the need to do violence to himself.  Yes, I know that he was conflicted about his gender and it is far too late to do anything for him.  There are others to be saved.

The third why?  Why is the first why bothering me?  I like to think of myself as an adult and a capable one at that.  This only proves that no matter how old one gets and how mature one thinks of oneself underneath we are still children looking to be loved.  Aren't we having fun?

Observation 1:  Television stinks this time of the morning!  Even on cable.
Observation 2:   We are in for another windy day.
Observation 3:   I will feel like crap later today for lack of sleep.

Tomorrow I have Jury Duty.  The first 50 years of my life I was never once called for Jury Duty. Since then I have been called almost yearly.  One year I received three notices!  WTF!  This is certainly not random!  There is nothing to do but go and serve.  It probably will be a very dull day.  Being chosen for a jury would be some excitement at least.  Every other time I have just sat all day and haven't been on a jury. Note to self: bring reading material!

It's amazing, I have been up for two hours already!  You have a nice day and I will do the best I can.

Love,
Shel

Anaheim

Ok, am getting a little excited. I am traveling to the General Convention of the Episcopal Church in Anaheim, California. I have most everything prepared,though I am not yet packed. I did my laundry (an essential first step) and have set aside the things I will need. I have dug out every piece of clergy wear I have, actually finding clergy shirts I forgot I had. I will be wearing clergy attire for 10 days in a row. I usually only wear clergy stuff occasionally. I am retired after all!

So most everything is ready and I am getting excited. I am also hoping and praying that this will be a successful effort. I am not going on a vacation, but on an effort to promote greater understanding and acceptance in my church. I will be bringing this computer with me and hope that there will be occasions to blog from Anaheim.

Wish me well.

Love,
Shel

The Suck

I have decided that life kind of sucks. I have a friend (I haven't lost them all) who perpetually says that people suck. It's worse than that, life itself sucks. I have lived long enough to feel entitled to proclaim this. I am not sure what would lead me to believe that life didn't suck. Fortunately life doesn't suck universally or uniformly. I guess life is kind of like the universe in that. Matter and energy seems to clump in the universe because of imperfections. Life sucks I am sure because of imperfections. Now nothing special has happened to cause this observation. I am just reflecting on the way my life has been going in general.

I guess I could be very and painfully specific about what sucked, but I will spare you all the details. I am sure there are others who will agree with this decision.

I am preparing to go on a trip to Anaheim California next week. I will be across the street (literally) from Disney Land and down the street from Knotts Berry Farm and probably won't visit either of them. I am going to the General Convention of the Episcopal Church. I have in fact been to Disney Land and Knotts Berry Farm twice. In fact I lived practically around the corner and down the street in Garden Grove for a year when I was a teenager. This time I am going to attend my Forth General Convention. It probably will be my last, but one never knows. The last time I went to one was in 1976 (shortly after my oldest son was born.) At that Convention Women Priests were authorized. That is a good thing for me.

This all will be very expensive and I really can't afford it. I have been the beneficiary of the gift of a free flight there and back and some financial support for other expenses. I very much, therefore, am going for business and not pleasure. There was a time that I had family in California, but most of that family has died. In fact an Aunt in San Diego died at the beginning of the month. She was 102. Her daughter still lives in San Diego, but I have never in my memory met her and she is 20 years older.

I'll try to remember to blog from Anaheim. I am going to try to show the church that I an people like me are human beings and Children of God and deserve to be treated as such. As I said life sucks. Some people are still treated as less equal than others. You would think that churches would automatically be filled with love and charity for all. We all know different.

This only part of why life sucks, the rest will have to wait for another time. Just another suck, I have to take a friend for medical tests. She has been catheterized for most of a month now and the Doctors still don't know exactly why it's necessary.

My life may suck, but I hope yours is great.

Love,
Shel

Pride

10 Clams or so

I'll get to the title in a bit. First I have been very busy. I haven't been making money, but I have been busy. I will be going to Anaheim next month to attend the General Convention of the Episcopal Church. I am going with a contingent of people who are advocating the full rights of LGBT people in the Episcopal Church. I am a priest in that church and believe very much that all people are equal in the sight of God and should be equal in the Church. I am sure there will be more on that as time moves on. I will be taking my computer and plan to blog some from my home state of California. Yes, I was born in California and lived my younger years there.

Now to the clams. Actually there is a restaurant in Mystic, CT called Ten Clams. I used to stop there occasionally when returning home from a visit to my Father in Rhode Island. I stopped there because they have Clam Fritters. They are a delicacy that is sort of hard to find any place other than Rhode Island. I would have a cup of Clam Chowder ((pronounced chowda) and a half dozen fritters with Ice Tea. It doesn't sound like much, but it was heaven! It turns out that Clam Fritters are among those foods that are difficult to eat post Lap-Band. Anything bready or caky is almost a sure visit to the toilet. Sooo, I didn't stop at Ten Clams. I did think about it though. Instead I went to a Fish and Chips place I know and had one piece of Cod.

That was all part of a visit to my father and my aunt, 98 and 94 respectively. That was part of a very busy week. The first part of the week involved resolving issues created when one of my front tires shredded. I ended up not only needing two new tires, but a new lug stud (don't ask - I didn't know either) and new brakes. Yikes!
That was not only costly of time, but of money.

I also did a great deal of work for a company I am consulting with, for no money at this time ( I am a soft touch and I did as much of the project as I could do.) I also worked on a brochure for the Church effort. I had to take elements that others had created and structure it into a tri-fold brochure (project completed!) Tomorrow I go to Therapy (surprise, I have life issues) and later to T'ai Chi.

I think we are caught up. I have some thoughts on certain current issues that will have to wait for another post. It has been very soggy here in Connecticut. The mosquitoes are out and I had a bite that blew my arm up. I guess I am allergic to mosquito bites. Stay dry and safe.

Love,
Shel

Pow!

Pow! That's how you might imagine a tire would blow out and I suppose some do go like that. Mine blew out late Saturday night on I-84 as I was driving 65 MPH in the pouring rain. There was no great sound. It was more like I was hydroplaning for a while and then there was a rumbling sound. I pulled over and as I crossed the rumble strip the tire must have totally disintegrated. As I stopped there was the smell of burned rubber. There was almost no tire left. Amazing!

I called the road emergency service and an hour later I drove home on the donut spare. The whole thing cost me $250 so far. I day so far because the emergency road service stripped one of my lug nuts and I still need to have that fixed. I can only imagine what that entails and what the expense will be. My finances are marginal at best so this is not good. So early Sunday morning after my nerves settled I went to bed.

Yesterday seems like a lost day. Because I went to sleep very late I slept late. Before I was fully awake it was already afternoon. Before I could get my coffee and breakfast I had a phone call which turned into a two hour call. My day just seemed to go that way. I went to bed at a somewhat reasonable time all things considered, but woke up about an hour later. My mind was racing and full of thoughts and concerns appropriate for my therapist. None of these things were appropriate for the day and I don't know why last night was the night for them. In any case, I didn't get back to sleep until the sun was up. This was all not great since I needed to get a tire today sometime early. Please reference sections on the tire. By the way, one tire leveraged itself into two, one shredded and the other legally bald.

This was much of my day. The rest has been a brief nap and then a Film Festival meeting. Let me throw in there a bout of visiting the porcelain goddess because I tried to rush eating. I don't know what to make of my sleep problems last night. I don't see my therapist until next week. I still have all that unresolved stuff and today let's add a very stressful phone call from one of my children. It was stressful since I really can't help much and the stress level and frustration on the other end was very great.

Will I sleep tonight?

Love,
Shel

Not to speak

I have been laid up for the past several days with a wicked cold. There have been many of the usual symptoms so I won't bore with the whole list. Part of it has been a very bad sore throat and also loss of the ability to speak. I can manage a kind of whisper or possibly croak put a word or two, but nothing more. It is very frustrating. I missed Connecticut Pride yesterday (I was near death all day!) I had not had anything solid to eat in days. My diet was chicken soup, quiche (which is much like custard), yogurt and various other liquids (hot or cold depending on what felt best on the throat.) The throat soreness is subsiding, but I still can't speak. If things aren't much better tomorrow I'll cal the Doctor.

It is good though that I feel well enough to write this. I think that mostly I slept since Thursday. I know I Twittered at least once. The irony here is that every one under the son wanted to talk with me over the phone. It's very frustrating. You either don't answer or do some kind of miserable croak. Believe me my croak doesn't sound anything like me by the reaction of people on the phone!

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some voice of some sort. I appear to be living in the house of illness. Only one of the people living here is relatively well. One had to go to the Emergency room and her partner is there with her. I still don't know for sure what's going on there. I can't call and be understood. Tomorrow's got to be a better day!

Love,
Shel

Clarity

It is clear now! I am coming down with a cold. I haven't reached the really bad spot with the cold, but I do have goopy sinuses and the back of my throat is scratchy. Additionally I am occasionally getting hoarse. I hope I don't scare people away on the phone. When I get hoarse I sound rather deep.

I was up last night until 3 am working. I was on a conference call working on a project. Hopefully this will bring in some money at some time in my life. I did more work on the project during the day today and it looks like I will be doing a PowerPoint presentation. I'll have to pull out PowerPoint skills once again. This is all call back on old skills, web server administration, DNS and PowerPoint.

Sniffle,sniffle. I think it's time for bed. Nothing better for a cold than fluids, Vitamin C, chicken soup and sleep. My colds at this time of the year have their origins in spring pollen allergies. I am allergic to all of the common grasses and some of the common weeds, alas.

Be well. Love,
Shel

Malaise

I am suffering from a kind of malaise (In everyday usage, malaise tends to mean feeling vaguely unwell, not having the energy to get up and do anything, or even just being lazy.) I am not really sure what it is all about, but there are several possibilities. The biggest suspect is sudden inactivity. I have been extremely busy since February with various projects. Last week the Gay and Lesbian Film Film Festival finished. Suddenly I don't have much left to do. The reality though is that I really don't have many structured things to do. I have things that need doing, but they require me to be self motivated and organized. This takes more effort. I guess I am like a lot of people and move toward things that require less effort. There are other reasons that are suspect, but I am unwilling to talk about them here.

So what am I doing? Simple things like doing the dishes and writing this. I have watched Movies for the past two days. Today I need to break the pattern and to move beyond the malaise. I my case I think that malaise tends more toward the lazy than to the sick. Though I may actually be a kind of sick but that's not for here.

The weather is grand so I think I need to walk, after I finish the dishes I think.

Love,
Shel

Blog?

Blog,blog,blog. I haven't been too busy. I have been too fried! I'll write more tomorrow. It's too late tonight to do more.

Love,
Shel

Chica Busca ......

I'm watching Jay Lenno. It's his next to last show on the Tonight show. I just came home from working at the CT Gay and Lesbian Film Festival held in Hartford. Tonight was a Lesbian night with Chica Busca Chica (Girl seeks Girl.) There are two more nights of the Festival. It's been an interesting process this year, selecting the films and doing the Festival. I am a very small part of the whole process and I have learned a lot.

The Film Festival is just one of the things I have done to make my life feel fuller or more meaningful. Film is an old love. I made films in graduate school a long time ago. Half of my Master's Thesis was a film. There were two copies of that film, but I think they both have been lost, alas. These are things you probably didn't know about me.

Oh, Billy Crystal is on Lenno. The weather has really been crappy. It's been damp and drizzly for several days. It has blended with my mood which has been damp and drizzly so the distraction of the Film Festival has been real good.

Keep warm and dry.

Love,
Shel

Stumbling

I have tried to write a post several times today and this is all I can come up with. The first thing is that I have made a mistake eating today and feel really bad. I have already made a trip to the bathroom. I hope it will only be the one. I also feel kind of depressed and I really don't know how to write about it. I know what the problem is but I really don't know how to approach it. A part of my life has taken a bad turn and I really wish it hadn't gone that way. There may be no remedy and I am really sad about that. How's that for vague?

What isn't vague is the knot in my stomach! So much for eating anything more today. I'll be lucky to keep some tea down now. Oh, gosh!

I can't be intelligent feeling like this, sorry. Have a good day.

Love,
Shel

Too Much.....

There is just too much to be said and I feel as if I can't get it all down. Thoughts run through my head and feelings course through me and I seem not to be able to get it all down here. On top of that when I come to writing I seem to forget half of what I want to write. Though this is a challenge for me I think that not being able to get it all down has saved me from saying far too much at times. This is a problem, because at times I want to treat this as if it were a private journal, but of course it is quite public. I have I am afraid forgotten this at times.

I have been kind of subdued and resting the past few days. I didn't feel well Friday and Saturday I went to a meeting, but did little else. Yesterday we had a house full of people for Memorial day. The severe Thunder Storms came through so everyone was inside most of the time. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and that was nice. There was clean-up to do today and some of it is still yet to be done. Incredibly some of the people who snubbed us a while ago were invited and attended. I was gracious and polite, but nothing was said in the way of apology or explanation. I find that amazing. I guess I shouldn't. My former partner for so many years did something to me far worse and she never apologized. Though I was able to continue with her, I could never fully forgive her. She never admitted her part in things. I kind of feel similar feelings here. This was less severe than what my ex did, but without some recognition of wrongness I am afraid I can't find it in my heart to forget. This is so hard for me. I am such a normally gentle person and I cannot get rid of these awful feelings.

I just at times want to go away and hide sometimes. I so much want to eat! This is a time for comfort food. I won't of course, partially because I can't and partially because I know my need to eat isn't physical, but emotional. Whenever life takes a turn like it seems to have, I feel so empty and alone. It's not all real, but certainly in my feelings it is all too real.

Tomorrow I go to the Dentist and have the temporary crown removed and the permanent one put in. I can't believe that three weeks has passed!

I feel I must put in the thought that Memorial Day isn't all about picnics. Many people gave their lives so that we might live in relative safety and freedom. I have not always agreed with our country's military policy, but the soldiers who have given so much and the families who have lost so much are worthy of remembrance. I am pretty much a pacifist and wish everyone could resolve differences without war and conflict. The reality is that I can't even do that in my own life. We are imperfect. God forgive us our imperfections!

Love,
Shel

Bug?

This is just a quick post. I have a busy day ahead and hopefully I'll feel ok. Yesterday was a lost day. I got up early and had breakfast with my oldest son and then took him to work. Following that I went walking with a friend on some nearby walking trails.When I went home I began to just feel awful. I rarely get headaches, but yesterday I had one. I slept most of the day and missed the rest of what I had planned to do. I am not sure what was going on with me. The walk was warm, but I drank the whole time so I don't think I got dehydrated. The walk wasn't particularly strenuous. It may have been just a string of me being too busy or maybe I has some kind of bug. I still feel a small bit of head ache and this isn't usual.

As I look forward to today and the next week I may have planned too much, but I really think that I had a bug. There are other things rumbling around in my mind, but I will limit myself to this for now. Have a great day and a great weekend.

Love,
Shel

P-Town Summary

I'm back from Provencetown. It was a very nice time. Thursday's weather was not so good, but things got better Friday and Saturday was wonderful! Things didn't quite work out like I thought they might. I spent more time walking about and shopping than I had expected, though I was very good at watching the pennies. New rule: "Don't buy it unless I am going to wear it!" This saved me a great deal. It was fun shopping though and I did buy a few things. I went with a friend and she didn't feel comfortable hanging where I had planned to go.

We went to the shows and enjoyed those, but went to the Governor Bradford Inn and watched the wildness there. They have Drag Karaoke there and it can be entertaining. The crowd was a bit young Saturday though.

Every time I visit there I leave with this great desire to move there. I don't know what I would do there or where I would live, property is so expensive and so are the rents. Also, I wouldn't make a good shop keeper. Sigh, maybe that's a dream I can hold onto.

I am having purse melt-down. I had been using a purse that I loved, but the strap began to break. I like purses with pockets. I then switched to a purse I bought last year but hadn't used. It has pockets, but not quite like the other one. I was getting to like the new one, but tonight the stitching on the new purse came unraveled and the strap came loose. I am switching purses again! It's interesting, because I bought this purse with a friend and the friendship went to pieces. Now the purse has gone to pieces. Such is life!

I am visiting a different friend from Massachusetts tomorrow for lunch. We are meeting half way, out in the middle of nowhere; at least it seems like nowhere. We haven't has an opportunity to get together in quite a while. She is an Episcopal priest also. I am looking forward to seeing her.

P-town

Here I am blogging live from the John Randall House in Provencetown. I have of course had too much to drink. So much the better! ugh, I really haven't had anything to drink in over a year. I am out of shape. I only had a few wines and I am really shot. The good side of things, I don't have to drive any where. The weather is crummy and there is really nothing happening tonight.

I wish I had something profound to say, but it is late and I am blitzed. I am very profoundly going to say g'nite!

Love.
Shel

Vanity

I have been thinking a lot about all kinds of things recently. One of the things that strikes me is how unimportant certain things really are. Let me rephrase that; how unimportant many things are that people think are so important. I include myself in the group of people who have thought certain things important so I am not pointing my finger at someone outside. I am looking at myself here. One of the things I think is probably overvalued is looks, how one appears. I confess to being rather shallow in this way. A person's looks should mean less than it appears to. I clearly don't pretend to be a great beauty myself, but looks is somewhat important at least at first. I guess I am a bit shallow in that way and I really wish I wasn't. I do know though that looks isn't the final word to me and that other qualities means more to me.

I don't know why this came up, but I was looking at my hands the other day. I looked at them and decided, "These can't be my hands! There so ugly!" My hands now have age spots on the backs. I am told that this is from years of sun. Also, there are wrinkles on the backs of my hands. These wrinkles look like the wrinkles of an old person, again from the sun, I am told. Where did these hands come from? Who do they belong to? Certainly they aren't mine!

It's really strange what a person will think about, isn't it?

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. Thus spake Qoheleth.

Love,
Shel

Treckie

It's been a very domestic day for the most part. I did dishes and I did laundry. See, very domestic. I did also go to the Movies with three friends. It was a kind of interlude between my chores. We saw the new Star Trek movie. This was actually my second viewing of this movie, the first was with my oldest son on Sunday. I kind of like the movie. It took me a while to adjust to the new cast, but I think they did a good job. I am glad I saw it twice. There were things I missed the first time because the movie moves quite fast.

You must understand that I am a Treckie from way back. I once stayed up for a 24 hour Star Trek marathon. I taped the whole marathon. I guess my son caught the Treckie bug from me. Is it Treckie or Trecker? I can never keep it straight. The movie was a nice diversion from the necessities of life.

Ugh, I did loads and loads of laundry and there is still more to do. I can survive now, though, and I have cloths for my weekend trip to Provencetown. I'll leave the rest of the laundry for when I get back. Tomorrow I have a hair appointment and I have my T'ai Chi class.

My finger nails have gone to hell! I don't know what's going on with them. Certain nails have cracked and split. The only thing I can think of is that it is related to weight loss. I am loosing weight again. I notice that I was loosing some hair again in the shower this morning. I have been loosing 5 or 6 lbs a month since my last Lap-Band fill. I take all kinds of vitamin and mineral supplements. Life is truly interesting. Have a nice evening.

Love,
Shel

Commentary

This is a commentary on my life. I have been in great personal turmoil for the past seven years, possibly more. I live among other people who are in similar turmoil. I am trying to find my way out of turmoil into just life. I don't really know if there is such a thing as life without turmoil, but I am trying to at least find equilibrium. If I can find some amount of satisfaction from life then that will be a bonus. It has taken me a long time to become this person.

The reason for this post is that I realize that there are those around me who are in turmoil and change. They may be in the kind of turmoil that I was in a few years ago and with the questions I had a few years ago. I feel for them, but I am no longer where they are. I have new challenges and a new life to live. I have a life to live .... What a wonderful statement! I have a life to live and I won't allow anyone to diminish that life. Those that want to contribute, those who want to be positive can come along.

Pensively,
Shel

Yes, but.......

The one thing you certainly don't want to hear from any one is "You are a good person." That phrase sounds innocent enough, but it is loaded with all kinds of badness. What is almost never stated along with it is the "but." It is the "but" part of things that is the operative part, the biting and vicious part. "You are a good person, but ......." Let's fill in some of the possibilities here: "I don't like you, you are not my kind of person, f___ off, etc, etc." Do you get the idea?

No one's really a Good person. This is really the attempt by someone to brush you off by making you feel superior. It's killing you with kindness. Any time that is said to me these days, I am gone. I get the message! I know who I am and I know I am a mixture of nice and not so nice, I am far from Good. In fact, Jesus says it very well, "Only God is good." In any case, I only want to associate with people who want to associate with me and that's real.

Love,
Shel

Jittery

I am doing a new thing for me. I am blogging from the Jitters Coffee house in Southington, CT. The blogging is taking place as the musician Rupert Wates is singing. This is made possible by my little Netbook computer and the wireless network at Jitters. I obviously have had too much coffee by this time, but that is really better than having had too much alcohol. Alcohol is a pleasure I don't do any more for all practical purposes. With the Lap-Band surgery, alcohol just hits me too hard and I have to drive home from here. Shirley, the owner, doesn't serve alcohol any way.

Try Jitters some time.Rupert Wates won't be here again for a while, but there will be musicians here every weekend.

Good night from Jitters Coffee house!

Love,
Shel

Nice Evening

It was a really nice meeting tonight. There was no drama and I really enjoyed myself. I was even able to eat something (small amount.) They had some stuffed sole rolls and I was able to eat one. It was very small. I also was able to have some of the vegetable mixture and a little of the pene. It was nice. I also had some nice conversations. There was no stress.

Driving home I had a good chance to think on some things. The fact is that I really only want and need to associate with people who like me. I think that I am not so bad as a person. I'm not perfect, but then who is? In spite of some not so good experiences this week, there have been some very good experiences. I mentioned that my food therapy group ended Monday, but I didn't mention that I got some really nice compliments at that meeting. I find it hard to hear compliments and accept them. Surprisingly, the speaker this evening spoke to that very trait. I have much to think about.

Tomorrow I hope to be able to go out and relax a bit with some friends in the evening. We do some simple things, talk, play darts (I'm fairly good), play pool(I suck at that) and talk some more. The main problem is the long drive. It makes for a late night, but it is pleasant (and I think I need that.)

Oh, before relaxing I have work to do. I have a business consulting job to do. It involves making an assessment of a web site proposal for a company I am consulting for. Yes, Shel is doing some computer consulting! This is for a Boston based company. Interesting stuff. I also need to work out my schedule for next week. It's one of those weeks with too much to do and not enough time.

Well it's getting late so good night.

Love,
Shel

What to write?

I am still down from the weekend's happenings. I really don't feel much like rehashing any of it. There are really too many difficult things that happened that involved too many people. I am backing off and trying to focus on new things that are more positive and people who are more positive. I will try not to hold onto the hurt and let it all go. Possibly time will heal some raw sensibilities.

I will miss my T'ai Chi class tonight to attend a woman's networking event. I am hoping to get some computer clients from this. In any case it is an enjoyable event and there are no "Gay" politics involved. I am so new to the group that I would have no way of knowing about a snub and no expectations of friendly greetings. Everyone is pretty new at this group and generally friendly. It is generally a refreshing change.

Oh, yesterday I had a temporary crown put on one of my molars. The permanent one will be put in in three weeks. Until then I have a "gold" molar. I am sure it is only gold colored and really is some kind of alloy. While it is in there I do have to be a bit careful when chewing, brushing and flossing. They apparently use a temporary glue that requires some care.

Today I had a blood test in the morning. This is a prelude to a Doctor's appointment next week. These things seem to come in clusters. Timing next week may be tricky. I may be visiting a friend in Massachusetts part of the week and then I will be in Provincetown for the single women's weekend. I went last year, but didn't meet anyone of long term interest, but you never know. The question is can I get everything in next week?

Speaking of getting everything in, I had better get changed for this event tonight. I have to drive a bit so need to be ready early. Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Shel

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors

I had a Doctor appointment first thing this morning. I was barely awake. Ironically, it was with my sleep Doctor. I am doing well with the CPAP. This is good, but truthfully I have used one of these devices for approximately 20 years. It has become a regular part of my life and sleep. Before I started using a CPAP I was walking through life as a sleep deprived zombie. The little machine literally gave me back my life 20 years ago. The reason for the ongoing visits to the sleep Doctor have to do with my constant weight loss (by design and the help of a Lap-Band). Sleep Apnea is often a weight sensitive condition. My Apnea has gotten less intense, but hasn't gone away. It may never go away since isn't always weight dependent. When I first started using the CPAP I wasn't real heavy.

The fun to come today is another kind of Doctor, Doctor of Dentistry. I am going to have a tooth crowned. I have a tooth that is mostly filling and is a great problem catching food. It will be crowned today to make the contours of the tooth more normal and to reduce the gaps between the teeth. This will be my second crown. I had one put in last year on a tooth that had broken years ago (now that REALLY caught food!) The procedure shouldn't be painful, but they will put a temporary cap in place and I will have to go back later for the permanent one. They will deaden my mouth with Novocaine or whatever they use. My last appointment I spent half a day feeling like I had a hole in my lower lip, distressing when you try to drink something.

I guess that is only two Doctors. The title should be "Doctor, Doctor" I guess. (chuckling to myself)

I'm loosing it, I think. Have a great day!

Love,
Shel

Short Post

My food therapy group ended tonight. It is a sad thing for me. That group had become a part of my life. We shared a lot and it was all meaningful. Most of all I managed to learn a great deal about myself. Am I cured of solving my emotions by eating? Only time will tell that. I think that I know more about my reasons for eating now and that along with the Lap-Band I now have a chance. Thanks Ladies for being there for the past twelve weeks!

Love,
Shel

Follow-UP

I have done my crying (see previous post for reasons.) I will try to move on. [section removed by author for personal reasons] I guess that that is the way of life and relationships. Here today and gone tomorrow.

Enough of that. I have really fallen in love with my Netbook. It's an Asus eeePC with a 10" screen and a 160 Gb hard drive. It came with Windows XP, but I have put the new Windows 7 on it. I had the Beta edition on it. but I now just changed to the Release Candidate version. You might say that the RC of Windows 7 isn't out yet, but it is if you have a Technet Plus subscription. I get a few day's jump on using it. I like it and it runs well on this small netbook. Why am I using the netbook? It is simple, it is small enough to go with me easily and large enough to be functional. Most things are built into it. It doesn't have a cd/dvd player but I have found many ways around that. I am using my desktop machine as a kind of file and print server. It is running Windows XP but I do network access to it. I get access to most things that way. If I need a CD/DVD I attach a stock dvd with a USB adapter cable to it. I burned a bunch of cd for the conference that way. I used the netbook and my regular laptop to burn cd's and I printed the cd labels from the desktop/server. I had a real production line going. I used a free burner software called Image Burn to do the cd burning. I burned 200 cd's and only one of them was a dud. That's pretty good.

I need to get up. The bathroom calls. Peace!

Love,
Shel

La,De,Da,De,Dee

And the pain goes on, La....... It's a variation on a theme of my current life and a partial paraphrase of a song. My emotional pain is quite visceral. I really don't know why I am not in my room crying my eyes out. I also am aware that this is something like screaming at a brick wall, but the other options are writing this all in a private journal for my kids to read after I die. It may be a bit better to get things out while I am alive and kicking. Today looked to be a reasonably nice day. I was off to the Pride celebration in Northampton, MA. The weather didn't look great so I brought a rain jacket and umbrella. The weather just got better and better all day. This was a definite plus. As it turned out we were a bit late so we only caught the very end of the parade. We parked in the garage and I went to the film festival booth.

I have been working on the Out Film festival for Hartford and I volunteered to help at the booth. I arrived at the booth and it was busy. The Festival Director was the only other person there and we passed out many brochures. The festival is later in the month and the brochure has the film line-up. We were very busy. Quite few friends came by the table and I was able to chat a bit. Some of them wanted me to go to the Tea Dance after the festival, but I was riding with friends, so that didn't happen. AS the afternoon came to a close, my friends and I met up with other friends for dinner. The plan was to get a table for 12 at the outdoor dining area. The problem was that the area was jammed and a large table would be a very long wait. An indoor table was secured quite quickly and we were seated - except for one person who went to the bar. We ordered drinks and food. The person who had been at the bar came back and said something to one end of the table and one half of the group got up and went upstairs. We sat there speechless. No one said boo to us or excused themselves or anything. Then one of the group that went upstairs came down and asked the person sitting next to me to come upstairs (he didn't go.)

I have no idea what happened, but I do know that some of the people who left to go upstairs I counted as friends, one in particular. She didn't say a word to me or even acknowledge my existence, not a hi or goodbye. I guess I am shy of a couple of friends now - for reasons unknown. WTF!

I will cry later -that's for sure! Some things really stink in life. Just because you get older doesn't mean that you understand your life. I clearly don't understand mine. Thus ends a day that started reasonably well, progressed nicely and turned to crap!

"The beat goes on, the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain
La de da de de, la de da de da"

Love,
Shel

Random Thoughts

The last few days have been very warm and beautiful. Actually, it has been kind of hot! It seems that we just got out of Winter and it is now Summer. My life has been kind of like the weather, it's either hot or cold. The weather is hot and my life is cold. I constantly look for patterns to my life but I am afraid all is random. I have been reading a book about randomness and probability so forgive me. I am quite like most other people and I tend to draw conclusions from very small amounts of data. I am guessing that I make some very bad conclusions and therefor bad decisions. In fact I know I have made some bad decisions.

How does one move forward if one just is at the whims of total randomness? It is enough to put one into a catatonic state. In spite of this I will attempt to move forward and live my life - as imperfect as it is bound to be.

I think I had something to write, but for the life of me it alludes me now. I am coming to the close of my weight group therapy. I am going to miss this group very much. These people have become part of my life. I hope I am now prepared to handle living and eating. I now understand that my weight issues are from deep issues that are quite complex. They involve my dependence on my mother and my deep need to be loved. My mother is dead and those who I thought might love me appear not to, maybe they never did. How do I continue with this very basic need unfulfilled? I feel like I have an open sore with salt on it. It is hard not to seek consolation in something like food or alcohol. I am trying to endure though. I don;t drink and I fight the urges to eat. The Lap-band helps. If I do eat, I can only eat small amounts (trust me on this!)

Enough for tonight. Tomorrow I am off to the dentist and then later I have T'ai Chi.
You be well.

Love,
Shel

I must be Boring!

I am kidding, I know I am boring. I was just looking at the stats on this blog and the readership has been going steadily downward. I guess that when I go through more emotional grief and pain I more interesting. It's not that I am having less pain, it's that I am too busy to notice the pain (and to write.) Things are slowing down so I will write more. Slowing down is only a relative thing though. There are things I should do and have put off, like my laundry and my taxes (yes I filed for an extension.) It seems that when I went to do my taxes, at the last minute of course, I couldn't find my statements! What I thought was this year's statements were actually for last year's taxes. I know I have the material, but I need to look through stacks of stuff to find it. I filed for an extension! Laundry is a lost cause. I will run out of clean underwear and other cloths soon so is essential that I get to it! Exciting stuff!

I went to my therapist last week. I have been doing intensive therapy with individual sessions and the group therapy. I don't know if I am getting any better, but I am trying. I want to keep the weight off and I would like to meet a new woman love interest. We are entering "Pride" season. Maybe I can meet a nice dyke at a pride celebration, sigh! Northampton, MA pride is in two weeks. After having the same partner for thirty one years I am trying to reorient myself to being a bachelorette again and dating. There is nothing more formidable than one's own mind.

I went for a walk with a friend today. There are walking and bike riding paths near here that were once rail road tracks. Before that there was a canal that ran between New Haven and Farmington Connecticut. It's interesting because I lived right beside the rail/canal when I was at Yale for graduate school. I live right beside it again when I lived in the Mildale section of Southington. My address was on canal street. We walked on the Cheshire section of the old canal rail line. It's all paved now and there is even a restored lock of the old canal. It was a beautiful day. My only problem was that I was having stomach problems. My lunch wasn't agreeing with me. I felt like throwing up the whole time (I even did it twice.) The Lap-Band has been a great aid in loosing weight, but occasionally I have problems with certain foods.

Oh, I got a "Magic Jack" internet phone connection. I am surprised, but it works. I have made due with a cell phone for the past six years. I now have a land line. I bought a magic Jack and a cheep cordless phone and I am in business. My cell phone often gets poor reception at home. I can now call out with this phone and it even has voice mail. Not bad for $19.95 a year. The device cost $20.00 and I had to buy a phone. Actually I could make and receive calls with the computer if I wanted.

I had to change purses today. I have a bunch of them so that wasn't a problem, but I loved the purse I was using. The strap began to seriously fray. The rest of the purse was in good shape. I am buying a new strap to put on it. I'll use this other one for a while. I bought the current purse with a friend. We went to dinner and then did some shopping afterward. The sad thing is that she doesn't talk with me any more. I don't know what happened she just didn't answer my call and didn't return my call. It's kind of hard to maintain a friendship with someone who won't talk with you.

Sorry about that. Tomorrow my day begins with T'ai Chi and stays busy. You have a good day!

Love,
Shel

Busy, Busy

I have so busy that I haven't blogged in a while. I am not really sure what to say, but I helped organize and run a conference that was held last Saturday. I lead one workshop and lead a panel discussion. Both were well received and the conference went very well. It was an awful lot of work, though. I came home Saturday and fell asleep in the chair. The following day I had a smaller speaking engagement to a church group. This also went well. It was a fulfilling weekend.

Yesterday was my food group therapy. This group is growing to a close soon. Though the material we have been dealing with in the group is painful at times I will be sad to see it end. We have shared a lot together. Am I cured of overeating? This is yet to be seen. I have learned a bit about my own reasons for eating and knowing is a big part of the solution. I am still loosing weight, but I know I still feel the urge to eat food for emotional reasons. Right now the Lap Band restricts me, but there are ways around that and I don't want to do that. Comfort food I am done with you!

Enough for now. I hope to share some of my feelings about what has been happening in my life soon. Have a good evening.

Love,
Shel

Σoφíα

For those of you that never took Greek, the title is the word Σoφíα (Sophia) which means wisdom. I used this title because I seem to have very little of this quality these days. I thought I knew what wisdom was, but I was just a little bit off. You see I thought it has something to do with being smart. It doesn't, it has to do with happiness. "Wisdom is an ideal that has been celebrated since antiquity as the knowledge needed to live a good life." Wisdom and happiness in life are something that continues to allude me. In analyzing just about everything about me I find that I am busy and active, but I really don't think I am really happy. I could look around to find someone to blame for this, but I really can't do this. If I could learn to be totally sufficient in myself maybe I could feel satisfied, but I am a social person. If I wasn't that way I would have long ago become a chemist. Yes, there was a time I was on my way to a Ph.D. in chemistry. I was kind of a chemistry prodigy, but I couldn't stand the very long isolated hours in the chemistry labs. Though I was getting straight "A's" I switched to an uncertain but more social future in Philosophy and eventually Theology(I still got "A's". I know it's disgusting.)

This all is just a lead up to the realization that I am unhappy. The reasons for this unhappiness are complicated, probably too complicated for here, but they are real. My realization of this unhappiness has been developing for a while. I thought that making myself busier would help. Well, I am busy as anything right now and the business just distracts me. It hasn't solved the problem. There is a quality of live issue. It is a bit beyond business or even meaningfulness.

I am not sure what to do about this. I started therapy a half a year ago and I am now only beginning to open up the problem. I am discovering the problem and I am no where near solving it. I very much at this point would like for things to be simple. I would like something to hang everything on, but I seems to not be any of the obvious things. Let me be clear the problem is clear to me but the cause is what is hard to know. For example, I feel so alone in spite of the fact that I am continually surrounded with people. I am also sad in spite of many reasons to be happy.

If I only had some wisdom!

Love,
Shel

Chilled

I am sitting here writing on my computer and I am feeling chilled. The widget on my desktop says it is 43 degrees outside and that isn't really that cold. It is damp though. I just had a bad encounter with a meatball and a daub of spaghetti, yes, about 3 oz of food. I just made it to the porcelain goddess. Things usually aren't that quick. The agony just lingers. Spaghetti sometimes affects me that way now. I can't eat rice at all. You would think that spaghetti being soft that it would be easy to eat, not so.

My father is back from his travels to Georgia. He seems to be quite well. We both visited my Aunt. My father is 97 and my aunt is 93. My aunt was having difficulty. She just had two teeth out and was still in pain and swollen. Otherwise she was well though. She has had her problems since the strokes, but is still herself. If I make it to 90 anything I hope I am as good as she is. My father is remarkable for any age.

I think that I have remarked before on the brilliant Blog posts I have never actually posted. I write these posts in my head when I am away from my computer and by the time I get to a computer they are gone, puff! I just need to carry my computer with me everywhere, I guess.

I am now twittering. I am doing it more to see what it is all about. If you want to twitter me, or whatever it is called, there is a link on the blog page.

I have lost some more weight. I had leveled off for a while, but I went to my oncologist Friday and I have lost four pounds since the Lap-Band fill. That is about a pound a week or more and that is good. It is also probably the reason I had to rush to the bathroom a while ago. I went to the oncologist to get the report from my last CAT scan. EVERYTHING is good! There is no sign of cancer and the aneurysm grew only slightly. This is good. The CAT scan itself would be nothing except that they give me contrast solution that gives hot flashes later in the day and use an intravenous dye that I am allergic to. After the cat scan I was flushed all day into the evening. The good news here is that CAT scans in the future will mostly be for the aneurysm. My Doctor was truly pleased with my results!

Well this is it for tonight. Stay warm and be well.

Love,
Shel

All Kinds of Stuff

Therapy is getting quite exhausting. In the group we are going through very intense sessions and I am drained. I also had a session with my individual therapist last Wednesday. What did people do before psychotherapy? When did we start needing to pay people to listen to us?

I have been installing Windows 7 on my new Netbook. It works like a charm! In fact, I am composing this from the newly configured Netbook (which is an Asus eee PC 1000 HE.) I am impressed that the Beta of Windows 7 works so well. To be honest, though Windows 7 is very much like Vista. I am sure that Microsoft is trying to avoid the association, but it is true. Actually, I find Vista after service pack 1 quite easy to use. There are anoyances, but there were annoyances with XP. I am now spoiled by the better graphics in Vista and Windows 7!

I went out to a dinner Saturday and needed to dress up a bit. I thought I might wear some sort of pants outfit and did a day of shopping. Though there were many sales and i bought something, I wasn't real happy with what I bought. I covered the large nearby mall. Even Macy's didn't have much. Now my size has changed drastically and I don't shop the Plus Sizes any more, but I am still not in the smaller sizes. There were nice things in size 10 and below, but I am not quite there yet. In desperation I made a quick trip to a Kohl's where I found this darling black cocktail dress. It was so nice I just had to buy it! I am truly seldom in a dress of any sort, but I wore this gladly. I am sorry, but I don;t have any pictures. I honestly didn't think of it.

I am back to reading Theoretical Physics again, black holes, quanta, strings and all. I don't know what fascinates me about this stuff. It has no practical application to my life I am sure. I am reading Stephen Hawking again.

I need to eat!! It is almost 12:30 and I haven't eaten yet. I am going to leave this and get myself a ridiculously small piece of quiche Lorraine which will totally fill me up. Have a nice day!

Love,
Shel

Quite a week

It's been quite a week. Last Wednesday I went to my Lap-Band Doctor and he added 1cc of saline to the band system. What a change! I have spent several day in Hell trying to relearn how to eat again. I am back to 2oz portions of mostly soft foods. If I try to vary or forget I PAY! Let's add to that a very tough couple of sessions in group therapy and it has made for tough times. I have also been so busy I can't think. Everything has been happening at once. I was supposed to go to a meeting tonight and I just decided I needed to stay home for a change. I will be out tomorrow evening through Saturday and it looks kind of like I be out Sunday; busy, busy me!

I had a CAT scan today. These would not be a big deal except for the fact that I am allergic to the dye they use. For that reason I have to be pre medicated for the test. This means that I have to take a pill in the absolute middle of the night (when I should be asleep.) I also had to wake up at 6 AM just to take my normal meds and have two oz of breakfast. The rest of the morning was taking pills and contrast solution at odd intervals. I was wondering why I felt so tired so now I think I know.

My Father is back from his wintering in the South of Georgia. He says he weathered the whole thing well. I'll probably visit him next week, if there is any time for it. Sid I mention that my car was fixed? I once again have heat and an intact panel and all my windows. I still have to have the radio installed, but I have everything for that. It is so nice to have heat in the car once again!

Enough for tonight. I am really tired.

Love,
Shel

OMG!

I was driving on Interstate 84 today and I am totally amazed! I was driving about 20 miles over the speed limit and I was apparently going slow. Cars were passing me on the right and on the left and I wasn't passing anyone. When did such levels of speeding become so routine? Where were the State Police? They should have been stopping everyone on that highway, including me! I drove slower riding home. Seventy and above is just too fast. I am not old and poky, I just want to survive the journey.

When driving at reasonable speeds I often use the time to think. Even if I had a radio (remember it was stolen a week ago) I wouldn't turn it on. The only disturbance is the occasional comment from the GPS (I replaced it.) I started to lament the loss of a friend and I fear I was on the verge of tears. I have a number of friends, but few I would call really close and trusted. I thought she was close and trusted and we talked frequently; alas, no more. She isn't returning my calls and not calling me on her own. I really don't know why either. I thought things were better between us, I guess not. I can't think of what I might of done.

I have done some shopping to replace the stolen items. I now have a new GPS Garmin Nuvi 760, a new cd/FM radio (still not installed, and a chest of tools (most of which I am sure I will never use.) I also got some new computer equipment (not involved in the theft) that will be useful. I now have three computers. One (the one I am using now) with Vista Ultimate, one with Windows XP Professional, and one with Windows XP Home. The one with XP Home on it now I am considering putting Linux Ubuntu on. I want to get back into Linux. I have also thinking about putting Windows Server 2008 on the system with XP Professional. I need to ponder this a bit and do some experimenting.

I have been helping my youngest son with a computer project. It is nice to be able to work with him on something. Our relationship has been so difficult over the past few years.

I am on fluids today. I went to the Doctor who did the Lap-Band surgery and he did a fill. The fill just narrows the opening between the upper pouch of my stomach (made by the Lap=Band) and the lower stomach. This should help me restrict my food intake. My weight loss had slowed down and I want to loose at least another 50 lbs (yes, that much!) Even though I am a lot thinner, I was very overweight before. If I didn't have occasional back pain, I think I would feel great (and look great too.)

Today was a pretty good day as day's go. My visit to the Doctor was good; by the way, he is a charming man. If I were interested in men, he would be the sort I would like. I also went to T'ai Chi; it gives me such a feeling of calm and being centered. I hope you had a great day!

Love,
Shel

Some Random Thoughts

Sometime a person can be their own worst enemy and engage in very self-defeating behavior. I know this from all too personal experience. I think of all the time I wasted in futile attempts to not really live my life and I cringe. The problem is that I can see this behavior in others, but no one listens. I guess we are all destined to make all of our own mistakes. I certainly made plenty of them, but I clearly didn't have all the facts at my disposal earlier in my life. I think that I took the hard path, but In fact I took what was likely the only path at the time. Things are different today, I think, considerably different.

Life is up and down with my children, especially with my youngest son. He has always seemed to want to chart his own path, rocky as it might be. For the past two month he has hardly spoke to me, mostly a grunted "Hi." Suddenly he wants me to help him with a computer project and is all chatty. I am tickled pink, but it's so strange.

I am back to doing T'ai Chi. My back is in reasonable, though not perfect, shape. I feel so much better after doing just a little of the T'ai Chi and Chigong exercises.

The weather has been great the past two days! It has been warm and mostly sunny. I don't even mind the strange new time-change date. By the way I got a full night's sleep last night. Aside from the T'ai Chi and a bit of grocery shopping I haven't been doing too much outside of the house. I have been on the computer a lot; make that too much. I have been doing a little too much browsing and not enough writing.

This is running on so I will conclude. I am looking for more warm weather and hopefully some new spring experiences, and friends. This looks to be a busier week. Have a good evening.

Love,

Shel

Blog Posts never Written

Last night I had all of two hour's sleep. I really don't know what the matter was. I went to bed about 4:30 in the morning and I must have fallen asleep about 5 AM. I had to get up at 7:30 this morning. Surprisingly, I don't feel all that tired. I really haven't done that much today, except some grocery shopping. Along the way today it occurred to me that I have been constantly writing Blog Posts in my mind. Most of these never made it up here. In some cases that is a good thing, but in some other cases they are ideas lost. It is sort of the way I deal with sermon preparation, my mind continually works on the ideas.

Some of the things I have been pondering recently have been my future, what I will be doing and where I will do it. I think I mentioned a while back that some interesting possibilities have opened up recently. I have also been considering my relationships. Some of that has to do with the group therapy I have been doing and also the individual therapy sessions. I am beginning to understand a bit about my own needs. I also am becoming convinced that the best friend is one who really wants to be a friend. I am guessing that not all my friends have really wanted to be friends. I am getting over things I guess.

I have been extraordinarily busy at times with as many as three overlapping activities at time. I wish that all these different things could be spread out a bit. If only life could be organized, what a thought!

I have been dealing with the damage to my car. It won't be fixed until next week and then I will need to shop for a new radio /cd player. The car originally came with a cassette player. Who uses cassettes anymore? I don't even have any. The who;e thing is quite disturbing.

Wish me a good night's sleep!

Love,
Shel

Harvey Fierstein

I generally write everything or most everything in this blog. The following is an exception. I think it is important.

A LETTER TO OUR PRESIDENT
By Harvey Fierstein
Read at the DEFYING INEQUALITY benefit on Monday, February 23, 2009.


Dear President Obama.

While fighting for the abolition of slavery, one politician qualified
his stance, "I have never been in favor of making voters or jurors of
Negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with
white people."That politician was Abraham Lincoln.

Obviously time and experience brought Mr Lincoln to what would have been
called the extremist view; that freedom cannot be compromised just to
appease the majority.

And so he made a grander gesture reminding us of "...a new nation
conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created equal". Passing a law would change the course of slavery, but
those words changed the course of the history.

Mr Obama, I have heard you speak eloquently in favor of inclusion for
gays and lesbians. But then you sternly state your opposition to
marriage rights. It leaves me wondering if you are straining to be
politic or, if like Lincoln, your views still need maturing.

Days after your historic election an aide of yours told me that you plan
to do away with the military's DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL. I applaud the
gesture. But don't kid yourself. Redefining that policy will do little
to end discrimination against us.

With or without the Pentagon's permission gays and lesbians have been
serving in the military since the birth of this nation.

We may have served in silence.

We may have fought in secret.

But a complete ban of gays did not stop us from fighting and dying for
our country.

Abolishing DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL won't bring us into the military or end
discrimination against us.

Legalizing gay adoption won't end discrimination against our children in
the playground.

Even legalizing gay marriage won't bring about the whole cloth change
our nation needs.

When you, leader of the free world, accept, tolerate and even invite
bigots into your fold changing a policy is not enough.

In any case, we don't need you to fight our small battles for us.

We will eventually win these on our own. Property matters, adoption
rights, and even gay marriage will be won in courts of law as they are
now being won in courts of public opinion.

Given time, our constitution, and the American values of fair play and
justice, will prevail. We will win equal rights.

But what only you can give us is the grand gesture.

Mr President, we need you to be more than another reasonable voice.

We need you to raise yourself up out of the mire of majority opinion.

We need you to rise above the daily politics of compromise.

We need you to mount that bully pulpit our blood, sweat and tears have
erected, and speak to the greater ideal.

America needs to hear you say, "We will no longer tolerate the
oppression of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, mothers and
fathers, aunts and uncles. They are our family. They are we and we are
they."

The nation needs to hear you say, "We must prove ourselves worthy of the
title Americans; protectors of the weak, standard bearers of freedom,
and guarantors of equal rights for all."

Mr President, history will record the day you say, "From this day
forward no amendment, statute or law that seeks to deny full rights of
citizenship on the basis of sexual preference will be tolerated. Hatred
and bigotry are here forth banished to the dark recesses of small minds."

Let the Pledge of Allegiance light our way to tomorrow as "...one
nation, indivisible, with freedom and justice for all.'"

That, dear son of Lincoln, is the grand gesture we need from you.

We need a hero, and you have been elected.

Sincerely,
Harvey Fierstein

Peace to you all. Love, Shel

Perspective

I am sorry for the uncontrolled pessimism yesterday. I hope you all can appreciate my bad humor following the vandalizing of my car. I still am quite upset by it, but I have gained some perspective on the whole thing. To be more correct my bad feelings are no longer flowing over to everyone and everything that might be a slight annoyance to me. Worse things could have happened and what did happen only effects material things and my rather meager resources. I guess this is the way that life is structured.

I am staying home today since the center console is kind of hanging from the dash and the heating controls are on that console. The heating knob is actually missing. What use is that knob to anyone else? Taking that just is purely mean. I am getting over it though. Once I get estimates for insurance I should know more about how bad this will be financially. I suspect that insurance will not replace absolutely everything. I'm over it now. Life goes on.

I am now on to moving the monster of a piece of furniture I just put together into place. It is a kind of hutch. I need to make room for it first and then get some help moving it. When it is in place I can finish putting the doors and shelves in it. I will give me more storage. I am a pack rat. The real trick here will be to move the furniture into place without new injury to my back.

I am done for now. We are expecting more snow tonight and tomorrow. We had a little this morning. Have a good day.

Love, Shel

Things that suck!

Pardon my abrupt language, but several things are increasingly hard for me to take. The pain in my back is one of those things. It comes and goes now. Whenever I try to do something strenuous I pay with some pretty good (severe) pain. This clearly sucks!

A friend and I had had some misunderstandings a while ago and I thought we had settled things. She isn't returning phone calls, so I guess things aren't so good. I am so tired!

Today I was at a meeting in Hartford ( I have meetings at this place a lot) and when I came out I discovered that my car had been vandalized. A window was broken, my center dash console was pulled apart, my cd/stereo player was stolen and my GPS unit was stolen. There were other items stolen also but I am not going to itemize here. This clearly sucks big time!

The fact is that I really don't have much. I have a car with 175,000 miles on it and a very few personal possessions. I am on a pension and SS disability. I can't afford this kind of thing. I sure hope insurance pays something. I can drive without the radio and do without the GPS but The center console needs to be repaired as does the window! The console controls the heat in the car.

Oh well!

Love, Shel

Relief at Last

Relief from back pain that is! Yes I am getting better. I have been out of the house and I have been doing house chores, etc. It is such a relief. The pain isn't completely gone, but it is quite clearly improving. The group therapy for weight loss and maintenance continues to be intense and quite revealing. Ironically as it progresses some new life possibilities seem to be opening to me. Many of my attitudes are changing and I am beginning to understand that I need to move on in my life. I have been thinking things I haven't thought in a while.

I have been trying to encourage a dear friend to explore weight loss surgery. She seems quite ambivalent and I know that the extra weight protects us from something in our lives. It is hard to give up that protection because there is a fear of being vulnerable. I hope for her health she takes the risk, at least to explore.

I need to go off to bed. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and I plan to go to an early service in a local Parish. I get to be in the congregation, an unusual pleasure.

G'Nite.

Love,
Shel

Ouch!

Yesterday the pain in my back grew to monumental proportions. I made the mistake of horsing several heavy objects around. The muscles in my lower back absolutely seized up and I was on the verge of tears. I literally could not move out of my chair without help. I could not go to a dinner meeting. I consumed ibuprofen tablets and did practically nothing. Many ibuprofen tabs later and only moving when necessary I began to feel a bit better. I was able to go to bed unaided and I slept all night. I am somewhat better today.

I can move about without much pain and I have only taken two Ibuprofen tabs. One of the things I was horsing about was a bureau. It needed assembly and obviously it didn't get done yesterday. I started to do it today and shortly into the project I discovered that one of the major pieces had been severely damaged. I called the company immediately and they assured a replacement would be FedEx'ed to me A.S.A.P.
We'll see! The project is on hold for the moment. This is a real disappointment.

I still have another piece of furniture to assemble (the second and heaviest piece.) It is so heavy I am not sure how I will be able to handle it. I clearly do not want to revisit the pain of yesterday (it was quite severe. I tolerate pain rather well, but this was incredible!) Well I am off to figure out how to assemble the next piece. Peace.

Love,
Shel

Sleepless in Connecticut

I almost always get a good night's sleep. There have been times I haven't gotten enough sleep because I went to bed too late and got up too early, but I usually don't suffer from insomnia. Two weeks ago I had a very bad night's sleep (basically none). There was nothing really bothering me then. Last night was a repeat, only my mind was clearly working over time. I am really beat now.

Part of the problem is that my back has been really bothering me quite bad. I know I have arthritis in my lower back and it acts up occasionally. Friday my back was starting to feel better, but yesterday morning I stepped on a shoe in my room and pulled the muscles in my lower back. I have been in pain ever since. So I had back pain last night. The bigger problem I think is that I have been going through group therapy for weight issues. I really want to continue to loose weight and to keep it off. I think I got in touch with some basic issues in my life. It is clear to me that these issues have been with me a very long time and they are solely my issues. I really can't blame any one else for them and there wasn't really anything that happened to bother me (other than what I have discovered about myself.)

I have come this far in my life and I find I don't really have a clue about how to make my life work out. I have been quite successful in keeping myself busy, but I don't know how to satisfy my most basic life needs. Instead of doing what I really need to do I fill myself with food to compensate. The problem is that knowing is only a part of deal, changing is the real problem. Today was a loss. My back hurt and I have been exhausted. I felt so bad I missed a meeting I had planed on attending. I didn't leave the house. My oldest son's birthday is today and I called him and will have to deliver his card and present another day. This whole weight loss thing is going to be much harder than I thought. I need to do it though for myself.

I also had a birthday last week which I spent with some great friends; dinners out the evening before and the evening of. It was very nice. Valentines day passed yesterday. It hasn't been a personally significant holiday for me in a while, but I do think it's nice to acknowledge friendships. So friends, Happy Valentines Day....a little late! Please remember I am a bit sleep deprived.

I really need to process many things. I am sure you'll hear more. I'm going to bed soon so good night.

Love,
Shel

Dear Diary

I seem to have emotional difficulties at rather odd time and at times when there has been nothing in particular to trigger the difficulty.My emotional difficulty these days is pretty much feeling down in the dumps. I go far enough down to feel like crying at times. Though my life in general has been getting better some things haven't improved much at all. I still feel a great lack inside. I have been so busy that I don't often think about this, but strangely it comes up while I am driving from place to place. I guess that while driving I am alone with time to think. This is somewhat true but I tend to think of a great deal of things while driving plus I listen to audio books. I guess that in a very deep level I am lonely, lonely in a way that superficial socialization doesn't solve. I am it seems always busy or surrounded by people and driving is one of the few times I am truly alone.

I think that this is all a consequence of spending 31 years of my life committed to a relationship with a person who was less committed to me than I was to her. I look back and I can see that my own insecurities lead me ignore problems and to settle for a relationship that wasn't stable. I still seem to be more committed to that relationship that I should be. I always respond to her need for money even when I really don't have the money to give. I get nothing back from her. It is a pattern in my life. I give and give and often without any thought of receiving, but eventually that becomes draining. I think that I am becoming drained emotionally. I guess that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of things. I know this sounds a bit like I am feeling sorry for myself but I really am trying to analyze my current mood. I after all have no expectation that my ex will ever be different than she is, nor do I really want to be deeply involved with her again. I would like very much to avoid repeating my previous mistakes. I don't know if I have another 30 years to waste.

I never was very much into the diary thing or journaling. This Blog has been the closest thing to a diary I have maintained for a sustained period of time. I am though starting a therapy group to deal with the reasons behind my eating (that is eating in excess of what is needed for sustenance.) It is clear that I will be doing a great deal of journaling for the group. It will be hard work, but nothing that is worthwhile is really easy. Right now the group consists of the leader who is a man and 10 women. That's a large therapy group. I am impressed that the leader is willing to take on this group with me in it. I after all bring a very peculiar set of life experiences to the mix. I am sure that my gender history is closely related to my eating problems and that everything will be known to the group. Unfortunately, I will not be able to say to much about the group because we all have agreed to confidentiality. I can say things about myself as long as I don't reveal anything about anyone else in the group.

It's late and I am getting tired and I can't really remember everything I wanted to mention. I'll need to end now. Keep warm and be well.
Love,
Shel

Strings and things

Just as I think I might have a grasp on Quantum Physics it begins to look like theoretical physics is moving toward a form of string theory. My head is swimming! Quantum theory introduced a kind of craziness to understanding the universe. String theory is just hard to grasp. As I am getting it the most current theory is now being called "M" theory. It is a form of super string theory with 11 dimensions. That is 10 spacial dimensions and one time dimension. A string is the fundamental substance of the universe and everything is differentiated by string vibrations. This is where I thought I understood things. Now they seem to have added membranes and folded spacial dimensions to the theory and I am quite lost. It's going to take me a while. I haven't quite finished the first book and I have a second book to read. Maybe with two perspectives I might get a glimmer.

An interesting thing happened just before Christmas. I was contacted via email by someone I knew in High School. I of course have made quite a transition in my life since then, but we still have exchanged a few more emails. It is quite interesting to learn how her life has been. It is quite unexpected and pleasant.

I actually have a consulting customer. This is a good thing. It is an individual that wants some help with a backup strategy and help organizing her system. there a few other things she wants done. I am looking forward to doing the work.

Sunday is my last scheduled church job. I have greatly enjoyed preaching every Sunday for a while. I know that sounds a little strange, but I enjoy preaching. I look at it as a form of dialogue and an opportunity to teach. The more I enjoy preaching the better the response is from the congregation.

We have had a break in the weather. It has been a little warmer, but the cold is coming back this week. The snow has stopped though. I think I will have had my fill of Winter for a while when Spring comes.

I watched Barach Obama become President Tuesday. We had a kind of party at the house for the Inauguration. I look to his administration with great hope. It disgusts me that there are some who are looking for him to fail. I think if he fails we all fail and those who want him to fail also want America to fail.

I know that this is all disjointed and fragmented. I hope it has made some sense. I wish you Peace and as always my Love,
Shel

Catch Up

Wow! I am sorry I haven't been posting. I have been busy, mostly doing nothing. It's not much of an excuse. Actually it seems that everything has been catching up on me. There are nights that I have three places to be at exactly the same time.

I have also been fretting over my father. He is in Georgia for three months and I now find out that he had to go to the hospital this past week. He was dehydrated. He is an old man at 97, but he has been independent. His friends he is visiting took car of him, but he is now a long way away from me. I worry. I am an only child. My mother died twenty years ago and my father has been great to me.

It has been cold! So cold! I have been walking around with multiple layers of clothing on. I bought new heavy gloves, the kind skiers use. What was once snow is now packed and icy. It's time for some warmth!

This past week I had two Doctor appointments. My family Doctor is checking my blood chemistry for my cholesterol and sugar. Both things have been extremely good. That appointment went well. I also saw my oncologist (cancer Doctor). It has been 4.5 years since my cancer was discovered and removed. I will have a CAT scan again in March and if everything is OK I guess I will be see him only yearly after that. This is all good. I was not expecting anything different, but confirmation is a good thing.

Everything that was done in December is healing well. The surgery has healed and there is no pain and the tooth has healed over. There is kind of a hole where the tooth was that occasionally catches food, but it is easy to clean. All is good there.

My personal life has been sort of uneventful. My friend and I have made up and are talking once again and that is good. The son who moved to Arizona has now bought a video camera for his computer. We can now do video conferencing. The Internet is a marvelous thing! I remember the early days of the Internet and I thought it was great to be able to exchange email. So much more is done now!

Peace for now,
Love,
Shel